Someone To Hang Out With
I’ve decided that I need a sidekick. But I just don’t want any sidekick, I want someone else’s sidekick.
A sidekick is a specialist; always there at the right time, capable, funny, smart and just good company. The term, I believe is a 19th century American word, but the act of being a sidekick goes way back in history. Sidekicks then didn’t know what they were.
Some of the earliest side kicks were Archilles and Patroclus from the Iliad and Moses and Aaron from the Bible. There were Enkidi and Gilgamesh from the Epic of Gilgamesh too, but I don’t think I’d want any of these guys as sidekicks.
Lewis and Clark were possibly the first famous pair of American sidekicks, but while I wouldn’t have minded taking the trip across the country with them, I think they’d be a little too stiff to be my sidekick.
We imported Don Quixote and his sidekick Sancho Panza, and Sherlock Holmes and his sidekick Dr. Watson, but it wasn’t until the late 19th and early 20th century that we started to see the typical sidekick in this country.
Sancho would be good if I wanted to fight windmills, but I don’t think so.
Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy were a couple of fun sidekicks, but I’d always have to be slapping Laurel to get him to smarten up. I need a smarter sidekick.
The sidekick thing really got going in the mid 20th century as Hollywood grabbed the idea. Jackie Gleason’s Ralph Kramden had his Ed Norton on the Honeymooners and Sky King had his niece Penny. That was always a little bit weird. Today Sky King would probably have to register as a sex offender just for taking Penny flying.
There was Timmy and Lassie. While I like dogs, I wouldn’t want one for a sidekick. In today’s world I’d have to carry a doggie-do bag and a poop-scoop everywhere we went.
Lewis and Martin were a couple of fun guys. The whiskey and women flowed 24-7 when they were together. We’d sing and tell jokes all day and night, never sleeping. I still like women, but I don’t like whiskey and I need my sleep, so that wouldn’t work.
I like Marshal Matt Dillon’s side kick Festus on Gunsmoke, but the limp? Otherwise I might consider Festus. I like the name.
How about Sheriff Andy and his sidekick Barney Fife from the Andy Griffith Show? I could be Andy, but that Barney was as dumb as a stump. I need a sidekick with a little more upstairs.
Here’s a definite contender to be my sidekick – Tonto. The Lone Ranger could always rely on Tonto to get him out of a jam. Like magic Tonto was always there. He was smart, unlike that boob Fife, and crafty. And he was an Indian. How cool would that be to have an Indian as a sidekick? I’m putting Tonto on my sidekick fantasy team list for now.
Batman had the Boy Wonder, Robin, but hanging around with boys and making them dress in tights would probably land me in jail. The Green Hornet had Kato, but I’m really not a big crime fighter and Kato would probably want to go out and chase bad guys all the time; the same with Starsky and Hutch.
Captain Kirk had Spock, but all that time away from home. How many times were Mrs. Kirk and Mrs. Spock on Star Trek? Not many. As a matter of fact I don’t think they were ever on. Maybe Kirk and Spock were driven into outer space by nagging wives.
Another possible for the fantasy team keeper list is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Either one of these guys would be a good sidekick. Oh, wait, I think they might have died in the end.
How about Major Tony Nelson and Major Roger Healey from I Dream of Jeannie? These guys landed sitcom roles with Barbara Eden back in time when displaying one’s belly button was scandalous. You have to respect a guy who spent his time with a scantily clad Barbara Eden staring at her navel all day. Still, not sidekick material.
Here’s a sidekick that’s right up there with Tonto. Remember F Troop? Sergeant O’Rourke and Corporeal Agarn. That Agarn would be neat sidekick. What fun we’d have. He’s on the list too.
I suppose I could have a female sidekick. Adam had Eve, Fred had Ginger, but not in the biblical sense, I don’t think. Bonnie had Clyde, probably several times. What else is there to do when hiding out from the law? Tarzan had Jane (for sure). Living in a tree house with a half naked woman does sound appealing. I’d have to get rid of that monkey. I think I’ll put Jane on the fantasy team possible list.
Mork had Mindy (Nanu Nanu). Mindy was hot. Everyone knows Anthony had Cleopatra and even as kids we all knew there was a certain chemistry between Popeye and Olive Oyl.
You know, I don’t think I want a female sidekick; too many hassles. I’d rather join Kirk and Spock and spend my time in deep space.
The Odd Couple, Oscar Madison and Felix Unger were sidekicks and roommates. I’d probably end up shooting Felix in our first month together. Tim Allen and Al Boreland were sidekicks on the show Home Improvement. Al was a nice guy and he put up with a lot of crap from Tim; but, too much plaid.
Hawkeye and Trapper on MASH were a couple of cool guys, but I wouldn’t want one as a sidekick. The practical jokes would get old after a while.
I know a sidekick for the list. How about Mini-Me, Dr. Evils miniature twin. A Mini-Me sidekick would be very cool. He’s on the list with Tonto, Agarn and Jane.
Cheech and Chong were a couple of crazy sidekicks, but what fun would either one be today with states de-criminalizing marijuana? Let’s see – Johnny Carson had Ed McMahon and Dave Letterman has Paul Schaffer. But they aren’t real sidekicks. They go home separately after work. It’s just business.
I’m not a movie person or I consider one of those Siskel and Ebert guys, probably the living one. Harry Potter’s sidekick Ron Weasley was a little slow. However, the witchcraft thing would be interesting.
Let’s see: Bert and Ernie, Fred and Barney, Yogi and Boo-Boo, Woodstock and Snoopy, Calvin and Hobbs, Daffy Duck and Porky Pig, Quick Draw McGraw and Baba Looey, Sponge Bob Square Pants and Patrick, and Bevis and Butthead; no none of them. But I do like the idea of Gumby and Pokey. What’s wrong with Pokey? He’s a pony and everyone loves a pony. We could ride off into the sunset. Pokey is on the list.
It’s time to choose between Tonto, Corporeal Agarn, Jane, Mini-Me and Pokey.
It’s tough picking a new best friend and sidekick this way. It has to be someone that I can hang out with and do things with, have some fun. Okay, Jane’s out. It would get boring in that tree house after a few months and beside, there is that monkey. Beside that she’d probably nag me to death and want to spend time together swinging on vines. Mini-Me would be a boy-toy, show-off sidekick. While he’d be cool, what could we do? I’d probably step on him.
Okay, down to Tonto, Corporeal Agarn and Pokey.
All three have a lot going for them.
Well, Pokey is a horse. True, he can talk, but I can’t bring a horse into the house, my wife wouldn’t buy it. Pokey is out, no animals. But notice he lasted on the list longer than Jane.
Down to Tonto or Corporeal Agarn.
I have to go with Tonto. He’s steady, loyal, brave and true. He would stand beside me no matter what. And he knows all that Indian stuff which is pretty cool. We could ride horses across the high chaparral, rescue damsels in distress, capture bad guys and do good. He’d probably be happy to get away from the Lone Ranger. What was with that mask anyway? Who was he fooling? I could begin going by the name, Kemo Sabe.
Tonto: Sp-Eng Trans, n. fool, dummy, stupid, idiot, adj. foolish, silly, idiotic, soft headed.
Kemo Sabe: There are several translations to this name. It probably means, trusty scout, one who is white, white shirt, friend to the Apache.
I think every once in a while when the Lone Ranger called his sidekick Tonto (stupid in Spanish), if you listen carefully, the Indian responded “qui no sabe” which in Spanish means clueless, or he who knows nothing. How disillusioning to know, that as I watched this show as a kid the Lone Ranger and Tonto were name-calling as they dodged a hail of bullets.
Anyway, if Tonto and I are going to be sidekicks I’d better brush up on my Spanish.
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