Hello, American!
So, you want to get involved in the debate over government-run health care. Good for you! This country needs more citizens like you who will stand up and speak out!
But what is this best way to do this? you might ask. Well, we here at Snark-Infested Waters have carefully studied the techniques used at recent town hall-style meetings and have collated the results into this handy guide.
Don’t do your research
Research is hard and takes a lot of time, so don’t spend too much energy on it. Above all, don’t attempt to actually read the bill itself; it’s hundreds of pages long and uses lots of big words, so you’d just give up after the index anyway. Besides, annoying things like facts get in the way of your right to speak your mind, even if you have no idea what you’re talking about.
Warm up your voice
There are several useful theater exercizes you can do to warm up your voice for a long night of yelling. These exercizes will not only keep you from shouting yourself hoarse, they will aid your projection so that you can be heard over anyone who tries to shout you down.
Prepare your sound bite in advance
What’s more embarrassing than yelling “The government wants to institute euthanasia programs!” at a Congressman? Tripping over your tongue on-camera and looking like an inarticulate doofus. Pick the points you want to hammer on (you can get ideas from watching footage of other meetings on the six o’clock news or by watching any given Fox News pundit) and come up with a series of short, punchy phrases that deliver your point. Try to keep it under 10 words. You know: high-concept.
Remember the key buzzwords
Certain words, peppered throughout your rant, will catch people’s attention and drive home just how bad you think the health care plan is. “Socialism,” “fascism,” and “liberal” are the most potent options. Avoid using passe terms like “commie” and “pinko,” because then you’ll just look foolish.
Don’t listen to contrary opinions or facts
Town hall meetings are not about conducting civilized, articulate, and informed dialogues; they’re about scaring the bejesus out of everyone, so it’s important to immediately rebut conflicting remarks with any of your prepared sound bites. It is also appropriate to say things like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”, “That kind of liberal crap is ruining the country!”, and, “You’re just one of Obama’s mindless puppets!”
Don’t mention Mitt Romney
Seriously, if you try to throw a choice Republican name out, avoid Mitt. Remember, he’s the guy who championed a law that forced Massachusetts residents to get health insurance and provide taxpayer-funded, state-subsidized care to anyone who couldn’t afford it, and that’s kind of socialist/fascist, which is what you’re trying to fight, remember?
Don’t lose your resolve
If you ever find yourself thinking, “Say, that’s a reasonable point he makes,” stop and take a breath. Then tell yourself that the health care plan is just an attempt to turn us into a dictatorship. Seriously, think about it: the health care plan advocates euthanasia for the elderly. Who are the country’s most active voters? The elderly. Get rid of them and what do you have left? Young people who don’t vote. If no one votes, Obama stays in office forever to enact his Muslim-based socialist/fascist agenda unchecked and, in time, turn us into the United States of the Arab Emirates. And you don’t want that, do you? Of course not.
Best of luck to you, and always remember: The best way to get people to listen to you is to be the loudest guy in the room.
Tags: health care debate
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.
Just keep drinking that Kool Aid, Bud.
That’s the spirit! Keep the empty rhetoric a’flowin’!
are you kiddin’ me ?? you are an obama tool.. what a joke
I’m just so tickled that my condemnation of people who simply toss out meaningless antagonistic slogans without ever addressing the topic at hand through intelligent counter-arguments are doing exactly that with this post.
C’mon, “Dick,” give me something here. How does my mockery of people who show up just to make noise without ever engaging in a meaningful debate equate to Obama toadyism? Hm? Don’t just dazzle me with your rapier wit, dude, let’s see the razor-sharp mind behind it.
Are the people who have already responded serious (Mike B. in exception)?! It would be funny if it weren’t so sad.
Watching the health care shout down (some of these folks could give pro-wrestlers lessons on working the microphone) has been especially painful. As someone who would be considered either a more conservative democrat, or a moderate republican, I’d actually like to hear both the pros and cons, of this issue.
Instead I have learned that:
*People are afraid of Obama
*He is either: foriegn, a communist, or (my personal fave) a liberal nazi.
*Jesus is against health care reform
*People will do anything to get on TV. Monty Hall dealt with less crazier people, on Let’s Make a Deal.
So, BostonDee and Dick, I’d really like to hear your actual thoughts on health care reform. What do you want to see happen? Tell us what you think is wrong with the debate,not just a knee-jerk reaction to the president. If we want thoughtless jargon, we have Rush Limbaugh and James Carville covering both sides for us. That’s why they make the big bucks.
LOL! “dick”, unfortunately, can’t respond yet. He needs to check in with Rush first, to see which rant has been approved for today.
Nothin’ like not-so-thinly veiled racism to liven up a crowd.
Great instructions. Did you get them from the people that shouted down the Minutemen representative at Columbia or from those that shout down other conservatives that are invited to speak on campuses and elsewhere? Or perhaps Cindy Shehan (sorry about the spelling) and the other anti-Bush people explained the civility rules to you.
So, Frank, are you saying it’s wrong no matter who does it? Because I agree. Yelling and screaming like a maniac doesn’t make one right, it just makes one strident and obnoxious, and that standard applies to all regardless of their political affiliations.
But what this latest edition of Shout Fest shows me is that the people who choose to disrupt a potentially productive conversation on health care with vitriol and volume are unwilling (or unable) to seize the moral high ground, and would rather sink to the level of the people whose behavior you clearly don’t approve of.
If these people want to truly reveal the flaws they believe exist in the health care reform plan, they could do far more damage by researching the issue and posing incisive questions…the recipient of said question would either reveal that yes, there is a dire flaw in the plan, or at least reveal himself as an under-prepared and under-informed doofus. Screaming baseless and sensational accusations just makes the opposition look like a bunch of panicky idiots.