So, you want to get involved in the debate over government-run health care. Good for you! This country needs more citizens like you who will stand up and speak out!
But what is this best way to do this? you might ask. Well, we here at Snark-Infested Waters have carefully studied the techniques used at recent town hall-style meetings and have collated the results into this handy guide.
Don’t do your research
Research is hard and takes a lot of time, so don’t spend too much energy on it. Above all, don’t attempt to actually read the bill itself; it’s hundreds of pages long and uses lots of big words, so you’d just give up after the index anyway. Besides, annoying things like facts get in the way of your right to speak your mind, even if you have no idea what you’re talking about.
Warm up your voice
There are several useful theater exercizes you can do to warm up your voice for a long night of yelling. These exercizes will not only keep you from shouting yourself hoarse, they will aid your projection so that you can be heard over anyone who tries to shout you down.
Prepare your sound bite in advance
What’s more embarrassing than yelling “The government wants to institute euthanasia programs!” at a Congressman? Tripping over your tongue on-camera and looking like an inarticulate doofus. Pick the points you want to hammer on (you can get ideas from watching footage of other meetings on the six o’clock news or by watching any given Fox News pundit) and come up with a series of short, punchy phrases that deliver your point. Try to keep it under 10 words. You know: high-concept.
Remember the key buzzwords
Certain words, peppered throughout your rant, will catch people’s attention and drive home just how bad you think the health care plan is. “Socialism,” “fascism,” and “liberal” are the most potent options. Avoid using passe terms like “commie” and “pinko,” because then you’ll just look foolish.
Don’t listen to contrary opinions or facts
Town hall meetings are not about conducting civilized, articulate, and informed dialogues; they’re about scaring the bejesus out of everyone, so it’s important to immediately rebut conflicting remarks with any of your prepared sound bites. It is also appropriate to say things like, “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”, “That kind of liberal crap is ruining the country!”, and, “You’re just one of Obama’s mindless puppets!”
Don’t mention Mitt Romney
Seriously, if you try to throw a choice Republican name out, avoid Mitt. Remember, he’s the guy who championed a law that forced Massachusetts residents to get health insurance and provide taxpayer-funded, state-subsidized care to anyone who couldn’t afford it, and that’s kind of socialist/fascist, which is what you’re trying to fight, remember?
Don’t lose your resolve
If you ever find yourself thinking, “Say, that’s a reasonable point he makes,” stop and take a breath. Then tell yourself that the health care plan is just an attempt to turn us into a dictatorship. Seriously, think about it: the health care plan advocates euthanasia for the elderly. Who are the country’s most active voters? The elderly. Get rid of them and what do you have left? Young people who don’t vote. If no one votes, Obama stays in office forever to enact his Muslim-based socialist/fascist agenda unchecked and, in time, turn us into the United States of the Arab Emirates. And you don’t want that, do you? Of course not.
Best of luck to you, and always remember: The best way to get people to listen to you is to be the loudest guy in the room.
Tags: health care debate
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.