I’m going to completely forgo the traditional year-end Best Of/Worst Of list and, to a degree, the annual New Year’s resolutions list — by which I mean, these aren’t my resolutions, these are resolutions I’m hoping other people adopt. Feel free to take a few.
IN THE YEAR 2010 I RESOLVE…
…to not hog the counter at Starbucks. When I add sugar to my coffee, I will not stand in the middle of the counter, blocking access to the people behind me, but to one side.
…to park within the clearly painted lines in the parking lot. My car isn’t so special it needs two spaces.
…not to seek fame and fortune by doing something stupid, deceptive, and/or outright illegal — like, say, crashing a White House party or claiming my dumb kid is floating away in my homemade UFO balloon.
…stop to let every car out of every side street if there is a line of cars behind me.
…not to leave digital cameras, laptops, iPods, and other expensive electronics sitting on the seat in my unlocked car overnight.
…to support good cinema, or at the very least, avoid spending my movie money on anything directed by Michael Bay.
…to vote in every local and state election.
…not to complain about how poorly the town/state/country is being run if I don’t follow through on the preceding resolution.
…to present my arguments in a normal speaking voice, free of profanity, baseless accusations, and “facts” I got through a chain e-mail; and to listen when someone presenting an opposing point of view speaks rather than shouting him down.
…not to boldly proclaim myself a professional writer if A) I publish a book through a vanity press rather than a real publisher, B) write a blog riddled with spelling, grammatical, and punctuation errors.
…not to waste money buying the Boston Herald until they at least put a stop to slapping jokey New York Post-esque front pages on the paper.
…to avoid trendy self-help books written by pseudo-experts, divisive screeds by extremist political pundits, and anything recommended by Oprah.
…to turn my nose up at gimmicky reality TV shows, especially if they feature C-list celebrities desperately clinging to their dubious fame or unusual families.
…post something that actually contributes to an exchange of ideas when responding to newspaper stories online, rather than make feeble attempts at wit or engage in juvenile name-calling.
…to, for one week out of every month, lock up my kids’ video game consoles, thus forcing them to find something to do that isn’t sitting in front of the TV. And, should they prove lacking in inspiration, I will plan something for them and do it with them.
…not to become emotionally invested in any celebrity couple, no matter how swimmingly or how horribly they’re doing.
…to celebrate victories by my favorite sports teams in a calm, quiet and dignified manner that does not involve climbing light poles, burning others’ personal property, or overturning cars.
…excuse or overlook rude, immoral, and/or illegal behavior by celebrities simply because they’re famous and/or good at what they do (known as “Manny Being Manny Syndrome”).
…not to even attempt using a self-serve scanner at a supermarket if I have no idea how to use it, and if I do and something goes awry, I will not turn to the person stuck behind me in line and blame my incompetence on “this stupid machine.”
…not to use my right to free speech as an excuse to act like a jerk or force someone to listen when they clearly don’t want to.
…to refrain from using Nazis as a point of comparison against anyone (unless they have actually masterminded a genocidal act, in which case it might be appropriate).
…learn what “socialism” is before I accuse anyone of promoting it.
…to buy an ashtray for my car so I no longer have an excuse to pitch my cigarette butts out the car window.
…to seek out and watch anything featuring the Muppets, because Muppets are still awesome.
…to lose weight by watching what I eat and exercising instead of resorting to untested drugs and supplements.
…to age gracefully, because letting a doctor inject my face with botulism is just insane.
…to not buy an obscenely large gas-guzzling vehicle if I don’t actually need it. Nor will I buy a vehicle that boasts a DVD player. I mean, c’mon, whatever happened to license plate bingo to distract the kids?
…to let people freely exercise their faith as they see fit, because until they start trying to shove it down my throat, their beliefs are their own business.
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.
