In this election year, you will hear words and phrases used repeatedly to describe the individuals running for elected office, and sometimes the euphemisms can get pretty confusing. To help you out, we here at Snark-Infested Waters would like to offer this collection of common terms and what they mean.
First of all, it helps to know that “Democrat” is synonymous with “liberal” (and in some cases, “progressive“), while “Republican” is interchangeable with “conservative.” Anyone who tells you that one title applies strictly to a school of political thought while the other applies only to a set of moral values is sadly mistaken. I mean, really, a “liberal Republican”? A “conservative Democrat”? That’s crazy talk. Might as well tell people you’re supporting a unicorn for governor.
So, what is a Democrat/Liberal? That is someone who hates America soooooooooo much it burns. They hate America, God, Jesus, mom, baseball, apple pie, Budweiser, SUVs, pork rinds, “Hee-Haw” — all the things that define this great nation. But they love taxes. Love love love them. They want to create new taxes on same-sex inter-species incestuous marriages, which of course will be strictly regulated by the Office of Sinful Practices, which operates within the Division of Taxable Activities, which is overseen by the US Internal Revenue Service, which gets its marching orders from President Barack Hussein Hitler Mussolini Vader Obama von Frankenstein.
Democrats/Liberals love abortion, marijuana, illegal immigrants, communist China, terrorists, fancy kinds of lettuce with names most people can’t spell, destroying capitalism, apologizing to foreign powers for real or imagined offenses, whatever music is now popular with the kids but grating to adults (I think it’s Justin Bieber now), and enabling people to become human sloths who do nothing but sit around the house watching MSNBC and fantasizing about Rachel Maddow while collecting their big, fat unemployment checks and their food stamps — you know, that stuff that hard-working real Americans (see “Republican/Conservative” below) actually pay for!
Fun fact: No member of the Democratic Party has ever, ever, EVER read either the Declaration of Independence or the US Constitution. In fact, just seeing either of these documents would cause them to recoil in terror. Kind of like Christopher Lee in those old Hammer “Dracula” movies. And man, you wouldn’t believe what happens when they get within a country mile of a Bible. I mean, it’s like, WHOOMP! Like a gas fume explosion. It’s crazy, man. Take your eyebrows right off.
And what is a Republican/Conservative? They are the ulta-patriotic heroes of all that is good and just — as long as they are heterosexual white male Christians who can claim an annual personal income of more than $750,000 a year (after all the tax breaks have been accounted for). They exist off a diet of crude oil (sometimes served over a raw pelican) and FoxNews. They would love to see Sarah Palin in “Playboy,” except that might make them want to have boring premarital sex while using contraception, and that’s not about to happen. They believe the government should be run by one guy, preferably the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan, who would turn every synagogue, temple, and mosque into a nice, normal church — like our American God intended! — where people can go to be scared of God (He has a habit of punishing via catastrophic natural disasters large groups of people — New Orleanians, Haitians, Indonesians, etc. — for sins they may not have actually committed themselves, so better suck up to the guy, just to be safe).
They think taxes are something rich people shouldn’t pay more on, because everyone knows rich people are better and should be treated nicely. After all, if rich people didn’t buy useless crap, poor people wouldn’t have jobs. Health care is something that should be readily available for anyone who can pay cash for it — except abortions, because no one should have those…hey, if Sally didn’t want to risk bleeding out after giving birth to the child fathered against her will be creepy Uncle Albert, she should have just said “no.”
Fun fact: None of the criminal activity in America is or ever has been the fault of a Republican; the second a Republican commits a criminal act, no matter how minor, he is automatically stripped of his status and forevermore must live as a Democrat. It’s kind of like when a Paladin does something against his Lawful Good alignment and becomes a normal Fighter class. Oh, wait — Republicans don’t play “Dungeons & Dragons.” Never mind.
PS: Torture is not a crime. Yeah, technically by even lax Christian standards it’s totally contrary to Christ’s belief that you should do unto others as you would have them to unto you, but since the recipients of this treatment are Godless monsters hellbent on dropping the country into the ocean as one great heap of smoldering wreckage, Jesus is totally cool with waterboarding. Pat Robertson checked and Rush Limbaugh verified the research.
Check back for our next installment, when we’ll explain what it means when candidates for office issue vague, seemingly meaningless sound bites like, “the country is going in the wrong direction” and, “it’s just business as usual.”
(Note from the management: if while reading this you at any point said, sincerely and maybe a little smugly, “Yep, that’s right,” please seek professional help. You may be sick.)
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.