This week’s talked-about topics, ranked by importance (10 = extremely important, 1 = completely trivial fluff)
10 ) The tragedy in Japan. It’s been extremely sobering to wake up each morning and feel a profound sense of relief to know that Japan is still around.
9 ) Fidelity announces plans to ship 1,000 jobs to neighboring states because Massachusetts is not business-friendly. The Patrick Administration expresses “disappointment.” Isn’t it a little early to be acting like a lame duck governor?
8 ) Renewed scrutiny of nuclear power plant safety in the US. To hear the “experts” talk about how impervious to harm our more modern facilities are is chilling; I’m betting Japanese experts thought their plants were indestructible too, but remember: whatever mankind can create, nature can wipe off the face of the Earth with terrifying ease.
7 ) News outlets pick up on panic-inducing stories about the dangers of allowing your pets in bed and toxic chemicals in the heat-sensitive receipt paper used by some stores. You know what else is dangerous? Selling minor risks as some kind of pending crisis.
6 ) Governor Deval Patrick is scheduled to appear in The Daily Show on April 12 to promote his book. Hey, Daily Show! Any chance you need someone to help you write some guest-specific material?
5 ) Microsoft announces it will discontinue the Zune MP3 player. iPod users gloated until Zune owners pointed out that the first version of the iPod had an irreplaceable battery and took its files with it to the grave when the battery died out. iPod owners, who have no immunity to criticism of Apple products, then went into anaphylactic shock.
4 ) Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann confuses New Hampshire with Massachusetts as Ground Zero for the Revolutionary War. If you think this is a sign she’s not a viable candidate for higher office, I have two words for you: Dan Quayle.
3 ) “Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark” gets a new director after Julie Taymor gets the hell out of dodge. That’s kind of like swapping out captains after the Titanic has already hit the iceberg.
2 ) Charlie Sheen will appear in a series of already sold-out live stage performances, at which he will reveal “the truth” about what has been going on. People have actually paid good money to listen to a privileged, self-destructive celebrity whine and rant about how unfair the world has been to him, so the question now is: who here is more insane, Charlie or his idiot disciples?
1 ) Author James Frey — who concocted a fake life in his pseudo-memoir A Million Little Pieces, tried to screw young new talent with his controversial Full Fathom Five fiction factory, and has yet to write a good fiction novel — is now preparing a new story depicting Jesus resurrected in the modern day as a drunken whoremonger. With this, Frey has completed his journey to become the literary equivalent of Marilyn Manson: a marginally talented hack who must resort to cheap shock tactics to generate even a shred of interest from the public. Kudos, sir, and we’ve reserved a spot for you in Has-Been Land.
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.