10 ) Mississippi rejects a proposal to legally declare fertilized human ova as “people.” You blew it, Mississippi! Once you declare them people, the sooner you can deny them access to federal safety net programs on the basis that they’re just a bunch of freeloaders taking advantage of taxpayer-funded “entitlement” programs. See? It’s part of the right’s plan to reduce federal spending! Brilliant in its way.
9 ) The Republican-controlled Michigan state senate passes an anti-bullying bill that gives bullies a loophole out if their behavior is grounded in “a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Someone please remember this the next time a Republican complains that any Christian being “persecuted” by the “godless left.”
8 ) Penn State students riot in protest over Joe Paterno’s ouster, which came after it was revealed he knew that an assistant coach was molesting young boys — proving that it’s not just Penn State’s jocks that are dumb.
7 ) Herman Cain employs a curious strategy to deflect questions about his sexual harassment allegations: he refuses to answer questions. What a brilliant ploy! I mean, everyone knows that the media won’t push hard on a topic if someone simply refuses to speak about it (please note that this joke has many, many layers of satire and irony. See if you can find them all!)
6 ) Dr. Conrad Murray is found guilt of involuntary manslaughter in the Michael Jackson case. Now, can we go after the plastic surgeons who worked on Michael? Surely they’re also guilty of some kind of crime — against aesthetics if nothing else.
5 ) The GOP is demanding state police release further details surrounding Lt. Gov. Tim Murray’s car crash last week, ostensibly to “clear up a lot of the questions surrounding the destruction of this state-owned vehicle.” Like: isn’t there ANYTHING the GOP could use to give the Patrick Administration a hard time? I mean, it’s not like they have real concerns to attend to.
4 ) The Parents Television Council (their motto: “We like our Americans the old-fashioned way: boring as hell”) shake their fists at this week’s episode of “Glee,” in which three of the characters lose their virginity. The PTC says the episode glorifies teen sex. My question is: where were they two seasons ago, when several characters were depicted as sexually active as sophomores?
3 ) Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob announced that their 20th child is on the way. TLC announces that the name of their reality show will change from “Nineteen Kids & Counting” to “Child Hoarders.”
2 ) Brett Ratner drops out as producer of the 2012 Academy Awards show after he remarks that rehearsing is “for fags.” Oscars host Eddie Murphy then quits as a show of support. I would say this would be a big setback in Murphy’s career, but really, it’s not like he really has a career anymore.
1 ) Justin Bieber agrees to a DNA test to debunk rumors he fathered a love child while simultaneously dodging Maury Povich’s phone calls like Neo dodges Agent Smith’s bullets.
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.