10 ) Mitt Romney wins the Iowa Caucus by a mere eight votes over Rick Santorum. Look, people, get it through your head: “Santorum” is not a good name for a president. Now, if he were running for the position of an evil wizard-king in Skyrim…
9 ) Obama signs the National Defense Authorization Act despite having “serious reservations” about the provisions allowing indefinite detention of terrorism suspects. What a coincidence: I’m having serious reservations about voting for Obama again.
8 ) Michele Bachmann finishes dead last in Iowa and ends her presidential campaign, thus restoring Sarah Palin to her rightful place as the GOP’s First Lady of Insanity.
7 ) The MBTA once again examines fare hikes and service cutbacks as a way to plug a growing deficit. Hey, who wants to go to Boston on a weekend anyway? It’s not like there’s anything to do there.
6 ) After initially clearing Lt. Gov. Tim Murray of any fault and refusing to release the details of his November accident, the state police backpedal at 10 MPH — the estimated speed at which the state’s second-in-command was traveling when he wiped out. Who claims the bigger oopsie: Murray or the staties?
5 ) Tempers flare out of control at a meeting of the county committee reviewing the Cape and Vineyard Electric Cooperative, culminating in Brewster Selectman Ed Lewis calling Connecticut-based activist Eric Bibler an a–hole. And you thought national politics was ugly and rude.
4 ) Roger Ebert theorizes Hollywood can reverse its 16-year-low 2011 performance by doing crazy stuff like lowering ticket and concession prices and focusing more on making good movies. Aw, what does he know about the film industry?
3 ) Katy Perry and Russell Brand file for divorce. Sad. I thought those two well-grounded, down-to-earth, boring-as-a-beige-room kids would go the distance.
2 ) Cee-Lo Green catches flack for changing the lyrics to John Lennon’s “Imagine” from “…and no religion too” to “…and all religion’s true.” THE MONSTER! I bet if John Lennon were still alive he’d curb-stomp* Cee-Lo for his audacity.
1 ) Demi Moore is tapped to play Gloria Steinem in the upcoming biopic about porn star Linda L0velace. The bad news: Demi is playing 2012 Gloria, not 1970s Gloria.
* Watch “American History X” to understand that reference. Just don’t blame me if you’re forever stuck with that horrific image in your head, you went and rented the damn movie.
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.