10 ) Newt Gingrich has a great week in South Carolina, winning that state’s primary after making everyone forget about his craptacular morals by blaming his own weak will on the media at last Thursday’s debate.
9 ) Gabrielle Giffords announces she plans to retire from Congress to focus on recovering from a near-fatal gunshot wound to the head. What does it say about Congress when a member with a severe head injury has more integrity than most of her colleagues?
8 ) Mitt Romney releases his tax returns, which reveal a 15 percent tax rate on more than $42 million he earned over the course of two years. Hmmm…do I go with the “I guess corporations ARE people” joke or mock Mitt’s insistence that he’s a regular guy? Either way, I’ve still got more good choices than the entire field of Republican candidates.
7 ) Joe Paterno dies with the Penn State sex scandal unresolved. I thought he didn’t like quitters…
6 ) The Republican primary heads to Florida and the candidates get to work trying to stand out from all the other old white men…in the state, I mean, not the race.
5 ) Michele Bachmann predicts that safe, legal abortion in the US will end following the November election. Don’t worry, pro-choicers; she also predicted she’d win the presidency.
4 ) Pat Sajak admits he has hosted Wheel of Fortune while drunk. He says he drank in an effort to bring his intellect down to the level of the average Wheel of Fortune contestant.
3 ) A boat that sank off the coast of Nantucket three years ago washes up in Spain. The Spanish are now holding the ship hostage until we return at least one of its many sunken galleons.
2 ) For the first time, a Pixar release fails to earn a spot in the Oscar’s Best Animated Feature category. I’d say Steve Jobs is spinning in his grave, but I don’t feel like getting lambasted by a bunch of rabid Apple loyalists for daring to besmirch the great Jobs (seriously, Apple Zombies be crazy!).
1 ) Thousands of New Englanders find a new source of self-worth and personal achievement after some guy muffs a field goal kick. Estimated duration of this illusion: one more week. Two, if the Patriots win the Super Bowl.
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.