10 ) Lawyers defending Prop. 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act in California argue that marriage is for straights only, because only a straight couple can “produce unplanned and unintended offspring” while same-sex couples have to engage in “substantial advance planning.” Wait what HUH?!
9 ) The Boy Scouts of America contemplates ending its ban on gay members. Next on the chopping block: those neckerchiefs that went out of fashion in the seventies. Unless you were Mr. Furley on Three’s Company.
8 ) Arizona lawmakers introduce a bill that would require teens to recite a loyalty oath as a condition of receiving their diplomas. Sure, because loyalty oaths worked so well at rooting out Commies during the Red Scare.
6 ) Barnes & Noble announces the pending closure of one-third of its stores. And thus does my contempt for e-readers grow.
5 ) Rappers Chris Brown and Frank Ocean fight at a club. Rihanna feels strangely slighted.
4 ) Jennifer Lawrence receives the approval of her peers at the SAG awards, and the entertainment media focuses on rumors that she ripped her dress at the ceremony. But she was SO CONVINCING in how she ripped her dress!
3 ) Jim Nabors marries his partner in Seattle. Wait, hold on. Jim Nabors is still alive?!
2 ) Barbara Walters announces she has chicken pox. Her exclusive interview with the virus will air before the Oscars.
1 ) Adult film star Ron Jeremy is hospitalized following a heart aneurism. E-mail me if you want to hear any of the many tasteless jokes I’m refraining from posting here.
The views and opinions in the Enterprise blogs are those of the author and are not neccessarily shared by Falmouth Publishing.