Archive for the ‘Importometer’ Category

10 ) The case builds against the surviving Boston Marathon bomber. So do the insane conspiracy theories, which makes one wonder, who is the real lunatic here?

9 ) The special primary election to fill John Kerry’s US Senate seat is Tuesday, and then it’s only another two months or so of caustic political ads. Oh, joy.

8 ) Fox News talking heads rationalize denying the Boston bomber suspect every possible right under the Constitution. I wonder how they would have reacted if he’d just shot up the Marathon?

7 ) The media demands the state release the bombing suspect’s state assistance records. I sense partisan agenda-driven pseudo-logical saber-rattling on the horizon!

6 ) Ratings and credibility continue to dwindle for American Idol. This is serious business, people. I think half of our economy is tied up in that show.

5 ) Swedish authorities find drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. If I had to listen to that kid sing for a living, I’d want to be stoned out of my mind too.

4 ) Gwyneth Paltrow is named the most beautiful woman in the world by People magazine. Say, have you ever notice that People’s most beautiful women and sexiest men alive are always actors with a major movie coming out? Ah, I’m sure that’s just coincidence.

3 ) Comedy Central announces Futurama will end its second run this September. Great, another way Futurama will make me cry (the first being the “Jurassic Bark” episode).

2 ) A Buddhist monk takes five people to court for allegedly distributing a private sex tape. A Buddhist sex tape? I’ve heard Buddhists like to become one with things, but come on…

1 ) A North Dakota news anchor blows his big debut by dropping an F-bomb on his first day on the air. That’s the great thing about working in print media: we can swear all we want, repercussion-free.

10 ) The US Supreme Court hears arguments on same-sex marriage, expects to deliver decisions in June. Just in time for wedding season! I think that bodes well.

9 ) A man on the lam following a rape conviction 35 years ago is captured in Maine. All right media, time to start heaping sympathy on the guy for not having a stable home life for more than three decades.

8 ) People raise hell over the “secret” passage of the Monsanto Protection Act and blame the “distraction” of the same-sex marriage debate for letting it slip past everyone. Aha! The gay agenda revealed at last! Homosexuals are in cahoots with Big Genetically Altered Agriculture! It makes so much sense! Oh, wait…no it doesn’t.

7 ) The Pope inflames the ire of Catholic traditionalists for washing the feet of two girls. Look, I’m not Catholic, but it seems ridiculous that such a goofy-sounding ritual is going to be the thing that serves as the final straw for people who think the church is getting too progressive.

6 ) No snow this weekend! No snow this weekend!

5 ) Tom Menino announces he is not going to run for re-election. At least, that’s what the best translations indicate. Either he’s retiring or he was trying to order a pizza.

4 ) Actress Tilda Swinton sleeps in a glass case as part of a Museum of Modern Art display. That means more people will see her in one day than who saw Moonrise Kingdom during its entire theatrical run.

3 ) Harrison Ford plays coy about whether he’s on-board with the next Star Wars movie. Maybe he’s worried he’ll be forced to ride out a Death Star explosion hidden inside a refrigerator.

2 ) Kirsten Dunst admits to Us Magazine that kissing Brad Pitt in Interview With the Vampire was “disgusting.” Look on the bright side: if you’d kissed Tom Cruise he might have proposed to you.

1 ) Justin Bieber’s neighbor claimed the singer assaulted him. He plans to sue for damages and the mental suffering that comes from admitting in public Justin Bieber beat him up.

Abbreviated edition, because I’m down in Virginia for my sister-in-law’s wedding.

5 ) North Korea announces plans to launch a nuclear strike against the U.S., severs ties with South Korea, declares the armistice ending the Korean War nullified, stomps its feet, waves its arms wildly, and screeches hysterically. This is what you get for putting a tantrum-prone kid in charge.

4 ) The Catholic conclave begins. The Boston media seems to think Cardinal Sean O’Malley is a top contender, but my money is on Reverend Jim from Taxi.

3 ) Don’t panic, but Douglas Adams would have been 61 this week.

2 ) E.L. James, author of Fifty Shades of Grey, announces plans to put out a how-to book for aspiring writers. It’s called How to Succeed in the Publishing Business Without Really Trying to Have Talent.

1 ) Justin Timberlake joins the “Five Timers Club” on Saturday Night Live, gets to ask former five-time hosts what the show was like when it was funny.