Archive for the ‘Importometer’ Category

10 ) President Obama finally voices his full support for same-sex marriage. This almost — almost makes up for…

9 ) North Carolina takes another step back into the stone age by defining marriage as a union of one man and one woman in its constitution. Fun fact: first cousins can marry in North Carolina — but not double first cousins, meaning cousins born of two sets of siblings in two different families…because, you know, that’d be just gross.

8 ) The federal Secure Communities program will activate in Massachusetts next week, making it tougher for illegal immigrants to stay under the radar and easier for politicians to whip up anti-immigrant rhetoric.

7 ) The Legislature reverses course on a measure that would have banned school bake sales. Parents across the state secretly fume, because now they have no excuse to avoid cranking out eight dozen cupcakes by tomorrow to help out the Boosters Club.

6 ) The chairman of the state gaming commission resigns after old allegations of sexual abuse surface. Well, at least we know now he was familiar with one kind of vice.

5 ) The Parents Television Council (their motto: “If we can’t have fun, no one can!”) rails against the addition of Howard Stern to the judging panel of America’s Got Talent. Before a single episode has aired, which already makes them a worse judge than Howard.

4 ) The Avengers demolishes box office records, taking in $200 million in its first weekend. As a side-effect, it managed to boost the box office take for the floundering John Carter, which was paired with The Avengers in several double-bills. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes indeed.

3 ) Tim Burton “re-imagines” the cult classic soap Dark Shadows as a comedy, unleashing another movie in a career that could itself use a little re-imagining.

2 ) Two masseurs claim they were sexually harassed by John Travolta. Bad move, guys…you caught John during a career downswing. Should have waited for his next comeback film.

1 ) Britney Spears joins the judging panel of The X-Factor. Considering the state of her career, she’d be better off as a contestant.

10 ) Rick Santorum wins another Deep South state primary but remains behind in the delegate count. The candidates now head to Wisconsin, which will prove as utterly indecisive in anyone’s campaign as any of the other states have.

9 ) Geraldo Rivera’s remark about a hoodie playing a role in Trayvon Martin’s murder sparks a nationwide backlash. People! Don’t you know that Geraldo is right? All kinds of dangerous people wear hoodies! Convenience store robbers, the Unabomber, D.B. Cooper…and just look at how menacing this dude is:

8 ) The MBTA announces a 23 percent rate hike that is expected to reduce ridership by 5.5 percent…which will reduce revenue, which will force another rate hike, which will reduce ridership…oh hell, just shut the trains down now.

7 ) Newt Gingrich fires a third of his campaign staff. I guess he’s so confident of winning the nomination, he decided he doesn’t need superfluous people like a campaign manager.

6 ) Rick Santorum declares that if Romney wins the GOP nomination, people might as well vote for Obama. At last! Rick Santorum says something sensible!

5 ) Dick Cheney undergoes a heart transplant procedure, prompting every liberal pundit and comedian in the world to make the exact same joke.

4 ) Rob Gronkowski surprises customers of a Foxboro Dunkin Donuts by serving them at the drive-through, proving that the economy is hitting all of us hard.

3 ) “The Hunger Games” smashes box office records. Who knew a movie about kids fighting to the death would be so popular? Oh, right: the Japanese, when they released “Battle Royale” 12 years ago.

2 ) A teaser trailer for the trailer for the second “Twilight: Breaking Dawn” movie hits the ‘net. And, amazingly, contains more story than the actual movie.

1 ) A nearly destitute Nadya “Octomom” Suleman posses nearly nude for a British men’s magazine, bragging about her body and her parenting skills. Apparently, though, not about her firm grasp on reality.