9 ) The Obama Administration deals with a triple crown of controversies. Fox execs pass out from giddiness at having something legitimate to complain about.

8 ) Angelina Jolie undergoes a voluntary double mastectomy to ward off breast cancer, fans react with revulsion that someone would put her looks behind her health. Yeah, how dare she?

7 ) Bahbawa Walters wetires fwom journawism.

6 ) The Powerball jackpot increases, along with people’s delusions that they’ll actually win it.

5 ) Dr. Joyce Brothers dies. Tell me, how do you feel about that?

4 ) Rumors abound that the entire panel of American Idol judges will be canned after this season. It would be more efficient just to cancel the show.

3 ) The Office ends its nine-year run. Great, more middle-class workers out of a job.

2 ) A portrait of a topless Bea Arthur fetches $1.9 million. I’d pay twice as much to never see that painting.

1 ) Arnold Schwarzenegger enters talks to star in a remake of The Toxic Avenger. Luckily, at his age he won’t need the elaborate make-up.

Sorry, readers, but I can’t brain this week due to a crushing series of night meetings. I’ll be funny next week.

9 ) Former Boston Celtic Jason Collins becomes the first active major league sports star to come out of the closet. His move emboldened more than a few homophobes to reveal themselves as well. Win-win.

8 ) Two guys we don’t care much about win a primary special election and launch right into the standard general election campaign white noise. Could we maybe just have these guys duke it out in the octagon?

7 ) A New Hampshire legislator claims that footage of a seriously injured man showing no signs of pain is proof that the Boston Marathon bombing was trumped up by the government. You know, isn’t it funny that this woman was NOWHERE NEAR the bombing at the time? Almost as if she were trying to put as much distance as possible between herself and the event? As if to cover her involvement? That’s right: State Representative Stella Tremblay (R – Auburn) is one of the masterminds behind the Marathon bombing! And since you just read it on the Internet, and she can’t prove she WASN’T involved, it must be true!

6 ) A Connecticut man is arrested after allegedly joking about having a bomb while boarding a Steamship Authority ferry. Hey, good one, doofus. We’ll be laughing all the way to the trial.

5 ) Miley Cyrus poses for a racy magazine photo shoot to prove what an adult she is. Because acting in a responsible and mature manner is SO last year.

4 ) Mike Tyson takes to the stage to tell his life story in a new one-man show. I’m all ears, Iron Mike. Uh, I mean…

3 ) A critically panned Spice Girls musical will close next month. The musical lasted almost as long as their careers.

2 ) A member of flash-in-the-pan rap duo Kriss Kross dies. It’s going to be hard to find a good funeral suit he can wear backwards.

1 ) A musical based on the film Rocky is in the works. People with clear diction and singing ability are ineligible for the title role.

9 ) The special primary election to fill John Kerry’s US Senate seat is Tuesday, and then it’s only another two months or so of caustic political ads. Oh, joy.

8 ) Fox News talking heads rationalize denying the Boston bomber suspect every possible right under the Constitution. I wonder how they would have reacted if he’d just shot up the Marathon?

7 ) The media demands the state release the bombing suspect’s state assistance records. I sense partisan agenda-driven pseudo-logical saber-rattling on the horizon!

6 ) Ratings and credibility continue to dwindle for American Idol. This is serious business, people. I think half of our economy is tied up in that show.

5 ) Swedish authorities find drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. If I had to listen to that kid sing for a living, I’d want to be stoned out of my mind too.

4 ) Gwyneth Paltrow is named the most beautiful woman in the world by People magazine. Say, have you ever notice that People’s most beautiful women and sexiest men alive are always actors with a major movie coming out? Ah, I’m sure that’s just coincidence.

3 ) Comedy Central announces Futurama will end its second run this September. Great, another way Futurama will make me cry (the first being the “Jurassic Bark” episode).

2 ) A Buddhist monk takes five people to court for allegedly distributing a private sex tape. A Buddhist sex tape? I’ve heard Buddhists like to become one with things, but come on…

1 ) A North Dakota news anchor blows his big debut by dropping an F-bomb on his first day on the air. That’s the great thing about working in print media: we can swear all we want, repercussion-free.

9 ) ..and two days later, the authorities have nabbed a suspect. Or have they? Yes, they have! Wait, no, they haven’t. I think.

8 ) No, wait they have taken down a suspect and are actively hunting for the second one. Stay safe, Watertown.

7 ) A Texas fertilizer plants explodes. Can we please stop with all the blowing up?

6 ) A West Virginia teen protests an abstinence rally, defying threats by her principal to scuttle her acceptance to Wellesley College. Wellesley’s response: “Yeah, that’s nice, dude. Welcome aboard, young lady!” I get the feeling she won’t be going back home once she graduates.

5 ) The Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe launches a TV ad campaign promoting themselves as having made the most progress on bringing a casino to Massachusetts. Sure, they’ve courted and rejected more communities than any other developer. That’s progress, right?

4 ) Fox pulls an episode of Family Guy that eerily foreshadows the events of Monday. Could they maybe pull the rest of the episodes for not being funny?

3 ) Ozzy Osbourne denies divorce rumors, stating, “Hemmuh frem dinna dum ho bibba Sharon wuzza mehf dom.”

2 ) Friends co-creator denies that a cast reunion show will ever happen. Yes, let’s not tear David Schwimmer away from recording the vocals for Madagascar 4.

1 ) Justin Bieber raises hackles when, during visit to Anne Frank’s house, he tweets that he imagined Anne would be a fan of his.

9 ) The Brad Paisley/LL Cool J mash-up Accidental Racist stirs controversy by forcing people to think about their attitudes towards other races. The monsters!

8 ) Margaret Thatcher and Annette Funicello die within hours of each other. Hm. Come to think of it, I never did see them both in the same room together…

7 ) Falmouth passes a new turbine bylaw and shoots down a proposal to fund the town-owner turbines’ removal. “Bill Carson” will be complaining about this in three…two…

6 ) Boston Marathon Monday is upon us. My prediction: A Kenyan will win. I know, it sounds crazy!

5 ) A Point Break remake?! Why? In the name of all that is good in life, WHY??!?!!?!?!

4 ) A 42-year-old actress loses a lawsuit against the Internet Movie Database, which she said cost her roles because the website revealed her age. I’m betting her loss of good roles has more to do with the fact her talent level relegates her to gems like Gingerbread Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver.

3 ) Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr is allegedly fired for diva-like behavior. Hey, the woman gads about in underwear for a living. Let her think it’s something special.

2 ) Former Teen Mom star is criticized for exploiting herself in a porn video. Sure, because that’s worse than appearing on an MTV reality show.

1 ) David Letterman grills Lindsay Lohan on her new career as a waste of space. If only the courts had been as tough on her as David…

9 ) North Carolina Republicans are pushing a measure to establish an official state religion, in defiance of the Constitution. Keep working on that big tent, guys, it’s still looking pretty lopsided.

8 ) Kim Jong Un moves his country’s missiles into position for a possible strike against US targets. The video footage has already earned Industrial Light and Magic an Emmy nomination.

7 ) Magic Johnson expresses “a million percent” support for his recently out-of-the-closet son. He’s making up for all the heartless jackass parents who don’t support their gay children.

6 ) Chris Brown assures fans he “absolutely” won’t ever physically abuse Rihanna again, failing to recognize that allowing any woman to date him is in and of itself abusive.

5 ) Catholics are irked after Google posts a doodle honoring Cesar Chavez instead of Easter. Look, Catholics, you already have a formal holiday with several lead-in days, I think you can be big about this and let Cesar have his one-shot portrait on a search engine’s home page.

4 ) Target catches flack for describing the color of a plus-size dress as “Manatee Gray.” Other controversial size-based descriptions include #2 Ticonderoga Yellow, Orange You A Tall One, and Peter Pinklage.

3 ) Arrested Development returns next month thanks to Netflix. Firefly fans’ misplaced optimism is rekindled.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan tweets a pregnancy announcement for April Fool’s Day. The only joke there would have been on her poor kid.

1 ) Glee‘s Cory Monteith checks into rehab after first saying no no no (if you don’t get it, ask a Gleek).

9 ) A man on the lam following a rape conviction 35 years ago is captured in Maine. All right media, time to start heaping sympathy on the guy for not having a stable home life for more than three decades.

8 ) People raise hell over the “secret” passage of the Monsanto Protection Act and blame the “distraction” of the same-sex marriage debate for letting it slip past everyone. Aha! The gay agenda revealed at last! Homosexuals are in cahoots with Big Genetically Altered Agriculture! It makes so much sense! Oh, wait…no it doesn’t.

7 ) The Pope inflames the ire of Catholic traditionalists for washing the feet of two girls. Look, I’m not Catholic, but it seems ridiculous that such a goofy-sounding ritual is going to be the thing that serves as the final straw for people who think the church is getting too progressive.

6 ) No snow this weekend! No snow this weekend!

5 ) Tom Menino announces he is not going to run for re-election. At least, that’s what the best translations indicate. Either he’s retiring or he was trying to order a pizza.

4 ) Actress Tilda Swinton sleeps in a glass case as part of a Museum of Modern Art display. That means more people will see her in one day than who saw Moonrise Kingdom during its entire theatrical run.

3 ) Harrison Ford plays coy about whether he’s on-board with the next Star Wars movie. Maybe he’s worried he’ll be forced to ride out a Death Star explosion hidden inside a refrigerator.

2 ) Kirsten Dunst admits to Us Magazine that kissing Brad Pitt in Interview With the Vampire was “disgusting.” Look on the bright side: if you’d kissed Tom Cruise he might have proposed to you.

1 ) Justin Bieber’s neighbor claimed the singer assaulted him. He plans to sue for damages and the mental suffering that comes from admitting in public Justin Bieber beat him up.

9 ) The Vatican installs a new Pope. Well, not new new, more like a refurbished old model.

8 ) County officials finally start some serious work restructuring county government through a charter review. Damn, I was really hoping for a Thunderdome-type deathmatch.

7 ) The Plymouth County sheriff catches hell for his politically tinged Obama assassination joke. Well, you know the old saying: comedy is easy; dealing with the fallout of a poorly chosen joke is hard.

6 ) Jimmy Fallon is chosen to replace Jay Leno on the Tonight Show after Leno’s contract ends in 2014…and then starts back up in 2018 after Leno’s next lame attempt at a new TV show falls flat.

5 ) Miley Cyrus tweets a video of herself dancing in a unicorn costume. This is one of those self-telling jokes, I don’t need to say anything else on this one.

4 ) Kate Upton becomes the latest celebrity to be asked out by a regular person via an Internet video. I should really finish up that video invitation to Jessica Alba.

3 ) Tiger Woods starts dating skier Lindsey Vonn…for starters.

2 ) Emma Watson refutes rumors she’s up for the lead role in 50 Shades of Grey, says she’d rather portray characters from good books.

1 ) Selena Gomez admits to David Lettermen she made her ex Justin Bieber cry. She must have screened Justin Bieber: Never Say Never for him.

5 ) North Korea announces plans to launch a nuclear strike against the U.S., severs ties with South Korea, declares the armistice ending the Korean War nullified, stomps its feet, waves its arms wildly, and screeches hysterically. This is what you get for putting a tantrum-prone kid in charge.

4 ) The Catholic conclave begins. The Boston media seems to think Cardinal Sean O’Malley is a top contender, but my money is on Reverend Jim from Taxi.

3 ) Don’t panic, but Douglas Adams would have been 61 this week.

2 ) E.L. James, author of Fifty Shades of Grey, announces plans to put out a how-to book for aspiring writers. It’s called How to Succeed in the Publishing Business Without Really Trying to Have Talent.

1 ) Justin Timberlake joins the “Five Timers Club” on Saturday Night Live, gets to ask former five-time hosts what the show was like when it was funny.