Archive for the ‘Importometer’ Category

10 ) Lawyers defending Prop. 8 and the Defense of Marriage Act in California argue that marriage is for straights only, because only a straight couple can “produce unplanned and unintended offspring” while same-sex couples have to engage in “substantial advance planning.” Wait what HUH?!

9 ) The Boy Scouts of America contemplates ending its ban on gay members. Next on the chopping block: those neckerchiefs that went out of fashion in the seventies. Unless you were Mr. Furley on Three’s Company.

8 ) Arizona lawmakers introduce a bill that would require teens to recite a loyalty oath as a condition of receiving their diplomas. Sure, because loyalty oaths worked so well at rooting out Commies during the Red Scare.

6 ) Barnes & Noble announces the pending closure of one-third of its stores. And thus does my contempt for e-readers grow.

5 ) Rappers Chris Brown and Frank Ocean fight at a club. Rihanna feels strangely slighted.

4 ) Jennifer Lawrence receives the approval of her peers at the SAG awards, and the entertainment media focuses on rumors that she ripped her dress at the ceremony. But she was SO CONVINCING in how she ripped her dress!

3 ) Jim Nabors marries his partner in Seattle. Wait, hold on. Jim Nabors is still alive?!

2 ) Barbara Walters announces she has chicken pox. Her exclusive interview with the virus will air before the Oscars.

1 ) Adult film star Ron Jeremy is hospitalized following a heart aneurism. E-mail me if you want to hear any of the many tasteless jokes I’m refraining from posting here.

10 ) Barack Obama is sworn in for his second term of office. Let the Muslim Socialist regime begin!

9 ) Happy anniversary, Roe V. Wade! To celebrate I am taking up a collection to buy you a new Supreme Court justice. That Scalia guy is looking old and worn and, well, like a raging douchebag. I’m thinking about picking up something more progressive and open-minded, someone more along the lines of a Thomas or a Bader Ginsburg.

8 ) Rand Paul tells Hilary Clinton that if he’d been President during the Benghazi incident, he’d have fired her. She responded with hysterical laughter, because really, “President Rand Paul”? Yeah, right!

7 ) New Mexico considers a law that would make aborting a baby conceived by rape the crime of “evidence tampering.” If passed, the New Mexico Legislature would also have to register as sex offenders because they too will be rapists.

6 ) Yes, it IS cold enough for me. Stop asking such a stupid-ass question.

5 ) JJ Abrams is tapped to direct the next Star Wars movie and the Internet braces for three years of flame wars among fanboys bickering over how awesome/sucktacular it will be.

4 ) Chris Brown becomes a victim of “swatting,” which involves someone calling in a fake crime report to mobilize the police to a celebrity’s home. To be fair, it’s Chris Brown. He was probably doing something worthy of arrest.

3 ) Beyonce catches hell for lip-synching the National Anthem at Obama’s inauguration. Hey, hey, ease up on her. It was only a second term inauguration.

2 ) A former child actor who voiced Charlie Brown in several cartoons is arrested for stalking. Man, he really does have it bad for that little red-haired girl.

1 ) Wiccans call Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters offensive to their faith. I call it offensive to the entertainment industry.

10 ) The Obama Administration unveils its package of proposals to stem gun violence, none of which are a suggestion to repeal the Second Amendment and take away a citizen’s right to possess a gun. The NRA responds with, “OH MY GOD THEY’RE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY OUR GUNS!!!”

9 ) Lance Armstrong confesses to Oprah that he used performance enhancing drugs to become a record Tour de France winner. How low can one man sink? Talking to a has-been like Oprah?!

8 ) Governor Deval Patrick proposes several new taxes increases to fund transportation projects. But hey, sales tax might go down, so that’s going to save us money, right? Right?

7 ) Cape Cod receives state money to fund wastewater projects. And now, the translation for the conspiracy-minded minority: The state supports your future subjugation to Big Bureaucracy! You will be crushed under the heel of the all-powerful Cape Cod Wastewater Authority! Tremble before its tax-revenue-fueled might!

6 ) Jodie Foster alludes to her homosexuality in her Golden Globes acceptance speech. Why is she being so coy? I mean, does she honestly want to leave the door open to working with Mel Gibson again?

5 ) Ben Affleck gets pre-Oscar snub revenge by taking home Best Director honors at the Golden Globes. Hoe do you like them apples, Oscar?! (Oh, wait, that was Matt Damon’s line…)

4 ) Arnold Schwarzeneggar makes his return to the cinema in The Last Stand. I love the scene where he converts his walker into a four-barrel 50 caliber machine gun.

3 ) New judges Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj make their debut on American Catfight. I mean, American Idol.

2 ) Conrad Bain died? Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout?!

1 ) Lindsay Lohan takes to Twitter to chastise Jennifer Lawrence for her “I beat Meryl Streep!” comment at the Golden Globes. Listen well, Jennifer. If Lindsay knows anything, its how to comport one’s self in a public setting.

The Back From Vacation Edition!

10 ) Beloved Boston TV icon Rex Trailer dies. Happy trails to you, good sir (and yes, I am old enough to remember Rex and Sgt. Billy).

9 ) Alex Jones shows what a fine spokesman he is for the pro-gun movement by completely losing his mind during an interview with Piers Morgan. If the dude feared Brits any more, he’d be a LaRouchie.

8 ) Neil Patrick Harris irks a conservative Christian group for allegedly “promoting the gay agenda” in a Super Bowl ad…in which he appears wearing eyeblack emblazoned with the date of the big game. Sorry, haters, even NPH can’t make eyeblack fabulous.

7 ) Barnstable County officials really really truly honestly swear-to-God promise they’re not going to create a Cape Cod Wastewater Authority and put it in writing. You know who tries that hard to convince people they’re being honest. DIRTY ROTTEN LIARS, that’s who! At least, that’s what the conspiracy goofs are saying, and they’re credible, right?

6 ) The Barnstable Enterprise folds after three years. Farewell and good luck, my comrades.

5 ) Ben Affleck gets snubbed for a Best Director nomination. Hollywood, for how long will you punish Ben for Gigli? And Daredevil? And Jersey Girl? And…okay, maybe he deserved it.

4 ) A new reality series, Southie Rules, prepares to debut and forever ruin what little decent reputation Southie residents have.

3 ) The NHL ends its player lockout and plans a shortened season. Hooray! Condensed boredom!

2 ) Justin Bieber is photographed apparently smoking a joint. He must have finally listened to his own music.

1 ) Octomom Nadya Suleman goes back onto welfare. Who’d have guessed stripping and softcore porn would be unsustainable careers?