Home > Blogs > Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey > Importometer

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Archive for the ‘Importometer’ Category

The Importometer Reading For December 14, 2012

Friday, December 14th, 2012

10 ) Tim Cahill’s corruption trial ends with a deadlocked jury. The odds of that happening were 20-to-one.

9 ) State Treasurer Steve Grossman wants Lottery players to be able to buy scratch tickets using their credit cards. Oh, what could POSSIBLY go wrong there?

8 ) Two Australian radio DJs, pretending to be Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles, lose their jobs after their prank call to a London nurse sparks her suicide. Can we all finally admit that prank phone calls simply aren’t funny?

7 ) Amazon.com agrees to start collecting Massachusetts state sales tax on purchases beginning next November. Don’t suppose we could get the tax rolled back to five percent, could we? No? Didn’t think so.

6 ) The Falmouth Board of Selectmen choose the chairman’s son to fill a vacancy on the Cape Cod Commission over a much more experienced candidate. Hey, what’s a little nepotism in the name of getting the boss’s kid out of the mail room?

5 ) A convicted killer is caught before he could carry out a bizarre plot to murder Justin Bieber. Mark David Chapman this guy ain’t.

4 ) The Golden Globes nominees are announced. I’m already apathetic about the Oscars!

3 ) Paul McCartney steps in to take Kurt Cobain’s place as Nirvana reunites for the Hurricane Sandy benefit concert. Wait, what? No, that can’t possibly be right. That’s like saying The Doors are replacing Jim Morrison with Paul Anka.

2 ) Peter Jackson insists the J.R.R. Tolkien would have wanted The Hobbit presented as three movies. Sure, and I bet he would have wanted the huge royalty check, too.

1 ) Adam Sandler sings at the 12-12-12 benefit concert. By which I mean he mumbled some of the lyrics, screamed others, and recited the lyrics in a babyish man-child voice.

Posted in Importometer, Local issues, National issues | 1 Comment »

The Importometer Reading For December 7, 2012

Friday, December 7th, 2012

10 ) Congress finds itself at an impasse over the solution to the looming fiscal cliff and filibuster reform. Going to be a long two years until mid-term elections…

9 ) Senate Republicans reject a UN-backed non-binding set of recommended standards for handicapped access based on the US’s own Americans With Disabilities Act. One more group brought under the GOP’s big umbrella!

8 ) Japan gets hits with a major earthquake on Pearl Harbor Day. This is the sort of coincidence Pat Robertson dreams about.

7 ) Fox News ramps up its annual “war on Christmas” coverage. The first casualty: credibility. Oh, wait, it’s Fox. Never mind.

6 ) The trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness drops, wowing fans while failing to name Benedict Cumberbatch’s villain. Hopefully, the character will have a more ominous name than “Benedict Cumberbatch.”

5 ) A Cape Cod-area reporter is caught fabricating sources. Editors found out from a tipster named Amanda Hugginkiss.

4 ) Gossip rag TMZ catches Mitt Romney shopping at Costco. Also known as the company run by the guy who wants higher taxes on the rich and pays employees a living wage. But hey, Romney and cognitive dissonance have always been on good terms.

3 ) Fleetwood Mac reunites for a global tour. They say they’re really going to focus on the music, which should be easy now that they’ve gotten old and doughy and don’t want to sleep with each other constantly.

2 ) Lord of the Rings geeks hit a new low in obsession by criticizing the frame rate of the new Hobbit film. Could you please go back to debating whether omitting Tom Bombadil from The Fellowship of the Ring was necessary?

1 ) Kate Middleton is pregnant. And let’s be clear, unless you are her husband, relative, or close friend, this news is NOT IMPORTANT TO ANYONE.

Posted in Importometer, Local issues, National issues, Politics | 1 Comment »

The Importometer Reading For November 30, 2012

Friday, November 30th, 2012

10 ) SNOW! SNOW! DEAR SWEET JESUS IT SNOWED THIS WEEK AND IT WAS A NIGHTMARE! Actually, it was nothing big, but man, you go eight months without it and everyone forgets how to drive in it.

9 ) Home sales in Massachusetts increase, along with home prices. In your face, recession! Or depression. Or whatever the hell our economy’s in.

8 ) Congressional Republicans are considering breaking the “no taxes” pledge they signed in order to address the “fiscal cliff.” Whoa, hey, let’s not throw that purely symbolic pledge based on Republican dogma out the window so fast there. I mean sure, you could actually help people and solve a major problem, but is it worth your honor?

7 ) Ironically named casino mogul Steve Wynn eyeballs a new site in Everett for a casino. Please! Everyone knows that Lynn is the shady, low-rent city of choice for a casino.

6 ) Lt. Gov. Tim Murray drops hints he might run for governor. Hey, we just got out of an election cycle! Slow down! Oh, uh, I mean…no, I mean slow down, leadfoot.

5 ) Larry Hagman dies, but we won’t find out what killed him until next fall.

4 ) Chris Brown deletes his Twitter account following a vulgar exchange with a female comedian. What? Chris Brown treating women badly? I’m shocked…SHOCKED, I say!

3 ) Korean rapper’s Psy’s Gangnam Style video surpasses Justin Bieber’s Baby as the most-watched music video on YouTube. Lesson learned: a song with lyrics you don’t understand can be superior to a song with lyrics that you do understand but suck.

2 ) Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men, finds religion and in a YouTube video exhorts people to stop watching his show because it’s “filth.” And God says, the truth shall set you free (of your contract with CBS).

1 ) Lindsay Lohan gets roasted by critics for her portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor in a TV movie. Her reward? Charlie Sheen pays off $100,000 she owes in back taxes.

Posted in Importometer, National issues, Politics | No Comments »

The Importometer Reading For October 26, 2012

Friday, October 26th, 2012

10 ) Obama and Romney hold their last debate. Hooray! Now we’ll never have to deal with another head-to-head competition between them every again! Ever!

9 ) Hurricane Sandy is coming! Or not. Or maybe. I dunno. Maybe this helpful map will –

Ugh. Never mind.

8 ) Obama catches flack for referring, offhandedly, to Romney as a “bullsh*tter” in a Rolling Stone interview. I think what he meant to call Romney is a pandering, self-serving, two-faced bullsh*tter.”

7 ) The trailer for Iron Man 3 drops. Nerdgasm!

6 ) Meteorologists can in a preemptive tizzy over Hurricane Sandy, predicting it could whomp New England next week. Hey, whatever, man, I’m on vacation. Let ‘er rip!

5 ) Items belonging to Curt Schilling hit the auction block to pay off his 38 Studios debt. Among the items, his business plan, which reads, “1) Start company using state funds; 2) Make a game; 3) Profit.”

4 ) The Wachowski siblings’ new three-hour epic Cloud Atlas gets middling reviews, continuing the duo’s career plummet. I think they’re in a support group now with M. Night Shyamalan.

3 ) Aging rocker Meat Loaf offers up an incoherent, weather-analogy-laden endorsement of Mitt Romney, making this his worst decision since agreeing to star in Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne.

2 ) Taylor Swift calls it quits with Conor Kennedy. Not because they were having problems, but Taylor needed new material for her next album.

1 ) Donald Trump promises a bombshell announcement that would cripple Obama’s campaign…and then offers to donate $5 million to charity if the president releases all his college and passport data. How about this: Obama will release those documents as soon as Romney releases his tax returns.

Posted in Importometer, National issues, Politics | Comments Off

The Importometer Reading For October 19, 2012

Friday, October 19th, 2012

10 ) Barack Obama debates Mitt Romney. By which I mean, Obama actually debated Romney, which in and of itself is a marked improvement over the previous debate.

9 ) Ann Romney announces on The View that if Mitt loses the race, he’s retiring from politics. C’mon, people, how many more reasons to vote for Obama do you need?!

8 ) The Boy Scouts of America release long-secret “perversion files” detailing a history of sexual abuse within the organization. But yes, let’s keep gay scouts out, because they might lower the tone.

7 ) A Hyannis man with two jobs, who recently got dumped, wins $32 million. Sometimes the right people do win these things.

6 ) Thanks to Romney, a group of women is now referred to as “a binder.” You’re welcome, ladies.

5 ) TV offers up some primo Halloween programming with the returns of The Walking Dead and American Horror Story…although neither show is as scary as some of the political ads I’ve been seeing.

4 ) Joaquin Phoenix calls the Oscars “stupid.” Hey, man, they’re not stupid! Just boring as hell.

3 ) Director Michael Bay blasts actor Hugo Weaving after he says he only did voice work on the Transformers films for the money rather than artistic satisfaction. Bay then looked up the phrase “artistic satisfaction” because it was such an utterly unfamiliar term.

2 ) Hulk Hogan fights the release of a sex tape so the public can’t discover that the only 24-inch python he has is his right biceps. (If you don’t get this joke, go ask a wrestling fan.)

1 ) Ashton Kutcher displaces Charlie Sheen as the highest-paid TV star. Now who’s winning, Charlie?

Posted in Importometer, Local issues, National issues, Politics | Comments Off

The Importometer Reading For October 5, 2012

Friday, October 5th, 2012

Sorry, folks, I had a busy week last week and couldn’t get to the Importometer, but we’re back and ready to sass.

10 ) Barack Obama and Mitt Romney throw down for the first time. Could someone kindly remind the president to get a nap in BEFORE the debate so he doesn’t nod off DURING the debate.

9 ) US Senator Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren get snippy with each other during their most recent debate. Guess that promise of theirs not to run negative only applies to their ad campaigns. Oh, wait…

8 ) Convicted and suspected criminals start returning to the streets in the wake of the state crime lab scandal. Man, this never happens on CSI.

7 ) Neil Degrasse Tyson refutes the effectiveness of Romney’s proposal to slash PBS funding, comparing it to deleting a few text files from 500 GB hard drive. Say, Neil, you may need to dumb that down a little more so Mitt can understand it…so he can later reverse his position on it.

6 ) Baltimore Ravens center Matt Birk, in an op-ed piece decrying same-sex marriage, remarks: “People who are simply acknowledging the basic reality of marriage between one man and one woman are being labeled as “bigots” and “homophobic.” Aren’t we past that as a society?” Apparently not…nor are we past trying to pass off homophobia as a religious right as a society.

5 ) Bristol Palin declares that her mom Sarah is “way hotter” than Julianne Moore, who portrayed the former Alaska governor in an HBO movie. That’s debatable, but Moore is definitely smarter than Palin. I mean, she knows the nonsense she’s spewing is total B.S. and doesn’t believe a word of it.

4 ) Nicki Minaj threatens to shoot Mariah Carey following a disagreement on American Idol. Where was Nicki when Simon was still on the show?

3 ) The Barnstable County commissioners unveil their master plan to raze Cape Cod by fire, construct a region-wide sewer made of yellow-cake uranium pipes, and force residents to pay for it all through mandatory donations of blood, redundant organs, and first-born children. Or so the wackadoo rumor mill might have one believe — and hey, it’s not like anonymous e-mails have ever presented false information as fact! Amirite?

2 ) Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane is tapped to host the Oscars. Expect him to come armed with an unfunny joke referencing a 1980s-era pop culture icon that he’ll repeat a dozen times after it stops being funny.

1 ) Anne Hathaway marries. Nuts, another one I let slip through my fingers.

Posted in County, Importometer, Local issues, National issues, Politics | Comments Off

The Importometer Reading For August 31, 2012

Friday, August 31st, 2012

10 ) Hurricane Isaac disrupts the GOP National Convention. Pat Robertson remarks, “Eh, it’s just a coincidence.”

9 ) Mitt Romney, in typical fashion, flip-flops and decides he doesn’t really want his party’s formal nomination.

8 ) Neil Armstrong dies. Confused Green Day fans take to Facebook and Twitter to mourn the loss of the band’s frontman (and dear god, I wish I was joking about that).

7 ) Fox News calls out Paul Ryan about the many falsehoods in his GOP convention speech. Yes, you read that right: Fox News outed a lying Republican. I know, doesn’t make sense to me either.

6 ) A Texas court throws out a voter ID law. Texas! Where the men are men, the women are women, and the Republicans are suddenly a lot more nervous!

5 ) Famous-for-nothing-but-being-on-the-Internet Courtney Stodden turns 18 and immediate starts receiving offers to do porn…much to the dismay of her husband of two years, 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchinson. Yes, you read all of that correctly. Come back when you’re done crying.

4 ) MTV announces it will end production on The Jersey Shore after its sixth season. Fans of good taste rejoice.

3 ) Superman starts dating Wonder Woman in the new issue of Justice League. Brangelina is demoted to number two most beautiful power couple in the world.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan, a suspect in a major jewelry theft, claims she is being framed. Despite her many problems, she’s still a great actress; I totally believed her when she claimed she was innocent.

1 ) Snooki has a panic moment when her baby is born with a natural skin tone.

Posted in Importometer, National issues, Politics | 1 Comment »

Importometer Reading For August 24, 2012

Friday, August 24th, 2012

10 ) Republican Congressman Todd Akin reveals his shocking lack of knowledge of the female reproductive system by declaring that victims of “legitimate rape” rarely got pregnant because their bodies would block embryo implantation. Akin got this information from several reputable doctors, including Victor von Doom, Douglas Evil, Anton Phibes, and Lester Verde Bong.

9 ) On a related note: after several prominent Republicans condemn Akin and pull both support and funding from his US Senate campaign, the GOP unveils a harshly anti-abortion platform for the election. Wow, they just do not pay attention to themselves, do they?

8 ) A New Hampshire GOP candidate for county sheriff backpedals furiously after advocating the use of deadly force to stop someone from getting an abortion. Cognitive dissonance is apparently as much a part of the Republican platform as crushing women’s rights.

7 ) Cape Wind announces it will base its operations and maintenance facility in Falmouth the same week the Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound announces it is yet again appealing a positive finding by the FAA. That’s kind of like a bridesmaid showing up to her friend’s wedding in the same dress.

6 ) Lance Armstrong refuses to fight accusations of doping, a move that costs him his seven Tour de France titles and earns him a lifetime ban from professional cycling. Cancer? Easy fight. Allegedly false accusations? Eh, screw it.

5) Director Tony Scott commits suicide by jumping off a bridge. Phyllis Diller dies of a heart attack. Dammit, Betty White, stay alive!

4 ) Curt Schilling, still smarting over the failure of his video game company, calls R.I. Governor Lincoln Chafee a “dunce of epic proportions.” I agree. Chafee should haven never given Schilling money in the first place.

3 ) Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer, is once again denied parole. Paul and Ringo breathe a sigh of relief.

2 ) Turns out rumors of Taylor Swift buying a home in Hyannis were just that. She’s actually buying Hyannis.

1 ) Prince Harry is photographed au naturale in Las Vegas. Let’s just assume I made a joke about the Crown Jewels and move on.

Posted in County, Importometer, Local issues, National issues, Politics | Comments Off

The Importometer Reading For August 17, 2012

Friday, August 17th, 2012

10 ) Mitt Romney chooses Ryan Paul as his running mate. Ryan Paul! The man who loves Ayn Rand…who was, unlike Ryan, pro-choice…a fact that endears him to the Catholic church…which disapproves of his shoddy treatment of the poor. Oh man, this is going to be fun!

9 ) Miley Cyrus gets a new haircut. Wait a minute, that shouldn’t be this high up. Hold on…

8 ) Joe Biden tells a mostly African-American group that Romney’s economic policy would put them back in chains. Man, grandpa says the craziest things in his old age…

7 ) Democratic and GOP candidates for the Ninth Congressional District square off in back-to-back debates, and the Republicans prove much more cordial to one another than their Democratic contemporaries. Don’t suppose we could just pick between the two nice Republicans, huh?

6 ) Aly Raisman returns to Massachusetts, medals in hand. Young girls are amazed that they can so admire a woman with a definable talent who has actually done something to earn her fame (*coughKardashianFamilycough*).

5 ) Taylor Swift buys a home in Hyannis near the Kennedy compound. No offense to Ms. Swift, but it was much cooler seeing Arnold walking down Main Street.

4 ) Whitney Houston’s last film “Sparkle” receives tepid early reviews. You know what they say: dying is easy; theater is hard.

3 ) Former porn star Jenna Jameson pleads guilty to DWI. If you want to hear the many many off-color jokes I cannot use here, e-mail me.

2 ) Robert Pattinson makes first media appearance since his split with Kristen Stewart, who lashes out at the same media for painting her as a cheater but not the man she cheated with. Looks like R-Patz isn’t the only one who needs a publicist.

1 ) Miley Cyrus gets a new haircut. Yeah, that’s where this belongs MAINSTREAM ENTERTAINMENT MEDIA. Jeez. I know it’s your job to peddle trivial B.S. to brainless twits, but come on…

Posted in Importometer, Local issues, National issues, Politics | Comments Off

The Importometer Reading For July 27, 2012

Friday, July 27th, 2012

10 ) A crazed gunman kills a dozen people at a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises, prompting politicians to engage in the delicate balancing act of not politicizing the issue while trying to find a convenient scapegoat to blame for the violence (y’know, because blaming the man who pulled the trigger is just silly).

9 ) A recent poll shows that many Americans don’t really care for Barack Obama or Mitt Romney. I’m sure three more months’ worth of caustic negative TV ads will turn that around.

8 ) Chick-fil-a launches a spectacular PR implosion initiative that includes debating Facebook members through a fake account and losing an account with the Jim Henson Company. Lesson here: Chick-fil-a should leave both homosexuals and fictional character alone.

7 ) The Massachusetts SJC ruled that civil unions conducted in Vermont are for all intents and purposes marriages, and therefore must be nullified before someone in a Vermont civil union may be married in Massachusetts. Wait, is this good or bad? I’m confused.

6 ) The Jackson Family becomes embroiled in a feud over Michael Jackson’s estate. The First Rule of Jackson Fight Club is: don’t hit noses. They shatter.

5 ) Former state rep Marie Parente calls local state rep candidate Brian Mannal to the carpet for his rebuttal to her endorsement of State Rep. Demetrius Atsalis. Wait, did this race just get interesting? Wasn’t expecting that!

4 ) Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong joins The Voice. Rgh…Green Day’s credibility falling…but music is so good…

3 ) A 21-pound lobster gets a new home at the New England Aquarium. On a totally unrelated note, the aquarium cafeteria is now selling dirt-cheap lobster rolls.

2 ) Kristen Stewart issues a public apology to her boyfriend, Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson, for her “fling” with her married Snow White and the Huntsman director. Stewart was reportedly so upset and embarrassed her face registered an expression.

1 ) Mariah Carey will make a reported $17 million to serve as a new judge on American Idol. Great! That should be enough to reimburse 20th Century Fox and Columbia Pictures for the bath they took on Glitter ($22 million box office, $5.2 million worldwide gross).