Archive for the ‘Importometer’ Category

10 ) In the wake of last week’s Supreme Court decision on Obamacare, Senator Rand Paul declares, “Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be Constitutional does not make it so.” Someone needs to remind Sen. Paul what “a couple,” “Supreme Court,” and “Constitutional” mean.

9 ) A Florida lifeguard is fired for saving a swimmer who was outside his designated patrol area. He deserves it, frankly. Who puts a person’s welfare ahead of corporate loyalty anyway? America-haters, that’s who!

8 ) Mitt Romney flip-flops again, calling the health care mandate fee a tax after he previously insisted it wasn’t. At the rate he’s going, I’m expecting Mitt will have morphed into a black lesbian by the end of the campaign.

7 ) Occupy Boston is encouraging T riders to protest the recent fare hikes and service cuts by fare-jumping. What better way to protest increased fares by robbing the MBTA of more revenue — which could prompt them to increase the security presence, which will cost more money. Brilliant plan!

6 ) Anderson Cooper comes out of closet, proclaiming himself “gay and proud”…and a little miffed because the story was broken by Wolf Blitzer.

5 ) Andy Griffith passes away at the age of 86. I think whistling his funeral dirge might somehow undermine the mood.

4 ) “The Amazing Spider-Man” sets a July 4 box office record, and sends the message to Hollywood it’s never to early to reboot a franchise. Peter Jackson is already hard at work doing a new version of “The Hobbit,” which will premiere six months after his current version debuts in December.

3 ) Katie Holmes announces she is divorcing Tom Cruise. What? A Hollywood marriage is ending? Who saw that one coming?

2 ) David Ortiz says he feels “humiliated” that the Red Sox only offered him a one-year contract at $14.57 million — a $2 million raise from his salary last year. He mourned this indignity by consuming a case of Cristal in his gold-plated bathtub in house number three.

1 ) Apple plans to release a smaller version of its iPad. The working name is “Seriously, It’s Not Just an iPhone We’ve Re-Branded.”

10 ) The US Supreme Court upholds Obamacare. In unrelated news, staffers talk Mitt Romney off a ledge. Why he went out there, I guess one can only speculate.

9 ) Nabisco draws the ire of homophobes everywhere with its “gay pride Oreo” promo image and threaten a boycott. Good! More Oreos for those who deserve them.

8 ) President Obama gets booed as his own fundraiser in Massachusetts after praising the Kevin Youkilis trade. Guess who just became a swing state?

7 ) The MBTA proposes raising money by selling off naming rights to its T stations. Good thing Lechmere went out of business or things could get REALLY confusing.

6 ) Pundits speculate whether the heroine of the new Pixar film Brave is a lesbian because she doesn’t want to get married and likes physical activities. That’s our standard for spotting lesbians now? I guess it’s a step up from the Birkenstock-and-Indigo Girls stereotype.

5 ) Former gubernatorial candidate Christy Mihos blows off a court hearing on domestic abuse charges. His lawyer claims his estranged wife is trying to gain leverage in divorce proceedings, but come on…it’s not like Christy has money anymore.

4 ) A Libertarian blogger holds a profanity-heavy rally in Middleboro to protest the town’s anti-swearing bylaw, thus proving that freedom of speech has a price. In this case it’s allowing an unfocused doofus to defend the right to free speech in the most clumsy and unconvincing way possible.

3 ) James Cameron announces that he will film three Avatar sequels back-to-back. It was the most efficient way to cater to his titanic ego*.

2 ) Ann Curry is officially ousted from the Today show, making way for a new female co-host who STILL won’t be as interesting as Katie Couric (who wasn’t as interesting as Jane Pauley).

1 ) Charlie Sheen announces that after his new series Anger Management ends, he’s leaving Hollywood. I hear he’s actually being muscled out by Lindsay Lohan so she can assert her position as the industry’s top alcoholic drug-addled imploding former big star who’s squandering her talent.

* = See what I did there?

10 ) Michigan State Rep. Lisa Brown is silenced by her peers after using the word “vagina” during a discussion on abortion bills. It appears the Michigan House is a bunch of — well, in the name of decency I won’t use the word I want to, but here’s a hint: it’s a synonym for “vagina.”

9 ) Republicans accuse President Obama of pandering to Latino voters by pushing for immigration reform. Meanwhile, the Democrats accuse Mitt Romney of pandering to everyone by dodging a question on whether he’d repeal such an act. Girls, girls, stop fighting! You’re BOTH sucking up to the electorate!

8 ) Speaking of Der Mittster, Romney name-drops and says he’s looking at Florida Senator Marco Rubio as a running mate…no doubt in an effort to win support among voters who like to screw up elections.

7 ) US Senator Scott Brown agrees to debate Elizabeth Warren…only if MSNBC is frozen out of the broadcast and Victoria Kennedy withholds an endorsement of Warren. Warren, meanwhile, agreed to participate only if Brown mans up and stops acting like a total synonym for vagina.

6 ) The Attorney General’s Office puts the brakes on Middleboro’s anti-obscenity bylaw until it can determine if the bylaw is in fact constitutional. Meanwhile, people will just have to deal with profanity the old fashioned way: sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA!”

5 ) The mayor of Cambridge considers banning the sale of super-sized sodas to fight obesity. You know what else causes obesity? Bad decisions and a lack of self-control. Maybe Cambridge should ban those too.

4 ) Video game Lara Croft gets a controversial reboot that includes an implied sexual assault attempt in her backstory. But hey, they made her chest smaller, so that’s a step in the right direction, right?

3 ) Massachusetts residents suffer a strange case of mass amnesia and completely forget that just a few months ago, they were complaining about how cold it was.

2 ) Alec Baldwin has another hissy fit, this time on a photographer. I swear, he does this stuff just so he has new material for his next visit to Saturday Night Live.

1 ) Advance reviews aren’t looking so hot for the history/horror mash-up film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Maybe Rutherford B. Hayes: Mermaid Slaughterer will fare better.

10 ) Catherine Greig immediately appeals eight-year prison sentence. The courts have advised her that her paperwork has gone missing, but they expect it to turn up in California in about 16 years.

9 ) The voters of Taunton approve a casino for the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe. Yeah, good luck to you, Taunton. I’m sure you won’t get burned like Middleboro did. Speaking of Middleboro…

8 ) Middleboro institutes fines for swearing in public. Middleboro, this one’s for you:

7 ) The American Humanist Association plans to appeal a court ruling that keeps “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance in a Massachusetts school district, thus proving atheists can also be myopic self-centered twits.

6 ) More than 30 years after the infamous incident, an Australian coroner determines that a dingo really did take Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton’s baby.

5 ) Falmouth High School seniors receive their diplomas but no invocation at their commencement ceremony. Amazingly, many of them will nevertheless go on to have happy, successful lives.

4 ) The Boston Herald freaks the hell out of website visitors by posting, openly and with no warnings, a picture of the Florida man who had much his face eaten off. It’s a sad day when the Boston Herald lacks tact and good taste.

3 ) A Falmouth woman gets arrested after approaching an unmarked police car she thought belonged to the drug dealers she planned to buy heroin from (allegedly). That’s why they call it dope indeed.

2 ) Burger King kills the bacon craze by announcing the debut of a bacon sundae. Speaking of ruining things I like…

1 ) Octomom Nadya Suleman draws a paycheck by participating in a “celebrity pillow fight” with a Philadelphia morning radio show host. I don’t know what makes me madder: the misuse of the term “celebrity” or the fact this will forever ruin for me the sexy pillow fight fantasy.

EDIT 6/26: Due to excessive spamming, the comments function for this entry has been turned off. E-mail me if you’re compelled to gripe about something posted here.

10 ) Polls show that the Obama/Romney and Brown/Warren races are neck-and-neck. Dammit, that means we’ll have to pay attention!

9 ) An Ohio court rules that a gay high school student is free to wear his “Jesus Is Not A Homophobe” T-shirt in school. If only the school had turned the other cheek…then it wouldn’t have to pay the kid $20,000 in damages.

8 ) The State Senate moves to close a loophole in Melanie’s Law to catch people who admit in court to drunk driving but are not convicted. Whoops, I think I just found another loophole.

7 ) Gas prices drop in advance of Memorial Day Weekend, which on Cape Cod means it’ll cost less to sit in hours-long back-ups and the bridges.

6 ) Newark Mayor and Obama supporter Cory Booker catches serious flack from the Democratic Party for calling attacks on Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital record “nauseating” and “crap.” Booker now holds the world record for the fastest backpedal ever.

5 ) George Lazenby blasts the producers of the new James Bond movie Skyfall for selling out to Heineken, which replaces vodka martinis as Bond’s drink of choice. Critics said a rant from Sean Connery would have been better.

4 ) Mitt Romney wins primaries in Kentucky and Arkansas, beating out — oh, right.

3 ) Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black III. Each ticket comes with one free exposure to the MIB’s memory eraser to help audiences forget about Men in Black II.

2 ) Donald Driver wins Dancing with the Stars, proving you don’t need to be an actual star to win.

1 ) Who sank Battleship? The Avengers, that’s who! Well, that and the mere concept of someone making a Michael Bay-esque action film based on a board game.

10 ) Members of the US Secret Service catch flack for dallying with prostitutes in Columbia during a presidential visit. Damn! So many jokes I could tell and not one of them isn’t X-rated.

9 ) US Senator Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren get into a war of words over releasing their respective tax returns. Who cares? All that will tell us is which one we should resent more for being that much wealthier than the rest of us.

8 ) Dick Clark dies of a heart attack at 82. Wait, he was only 82? He was barely out of puberty!

7 ) Authorities conduct a series of busts on businesses engaging in EBT card fraud. Now, instead of taxpayers footing the bill for food stamp cheats, we get to foot the bill for their imprisonment. We just can’t win sometimes, can we?

6 ) Rick Santorum declines to endorse Mitt Romney, stating he’d rather leave the decision in the hands of the voters. Yeah, that plan worked out great for you, didn’t it, Rick?

5 ) Hundreds of runners drop out of the Boston Marathon due to the hot weather. Looks like the Kenyans’ dastardly plan to increase global temperatures so they can dominate the sport of marathon running is working nicely.

4 ) Daniel Adams heads to jail for abusing the state’s film tax credit incentive. He should have gone to jail for the two crappy movies he made.

3 ) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announce they will at last get married. For wedding gifts, they’re buying one another new children from their favorite third-world nation.

2 ) Good Morning America breaks the Today show’s 16-year streak as the top-rated morning show. Don’t get too thrown, American viewers: CBS is still dead last. Consistency!

1 ) Oprah Winfrey fails to make Time Magazine’s “100 Most Influential People” list for the first time in nine years, getting bumped off for the likes of comedian Louis C.K. OUCH. Way to rub salt in the wound, Time Magazine.