Archive for the ‘Local issues’ Category

10 ) Three more people are arrested in connection with the Boston Marathon bombing. By now each of them should be the focus of their own wacko conspiracy theory (see below for more conspiratorial fun!).

9 ) Former Boston Celtic Jason Collins becomes the first active major league sports star to come out of the closet. His move emboldened more than a few homophobes to reveal themselves as well. Win-win.

8 ) Two guys we don’t care much about win a primary special election and launch right into the standard general election campaign white noise. Could we maybe just have these guys duke it out in the octagon?

7 ) A New Hampshire legislator claims that footage of a seriously injured man showing no signs of pain is proof that the Boston Marathon bombing was trumped up by the government. You know, isn’t it funny that this woman was NOWHERE NEAR the bombing at the time? Almost as if she were trying to put as much distance as possible between herself and the event? As if to cover her involvement? That’s right: State Representative Stella Tremblay (R – Auburn) is one of the masterminds behind the Marathon bombing! And since you just read it on the Internet, and she can’t prove she WASN’T involved, it must be true!

6 ) A Connecticut man is arrested after allegedly joking about having a bomb while boarding a Steamship Authority ferry. Hey, good one, doofus. We’ll be laughing all the way to the trial.

5 ) Miley Cyrus poses for a racy magazine photo shoot to prove what an adult she is. Because acting in a responsible and mature manner is SO last year.

4 ) Mike Tyson takes to the stage to tell his life story in a new one-man show. I’m all ears, Iron Mike. Uh, I mean…

3 ) A critically panned Spice Girls musical will close next month. The musical lasted almost as long as their careers.

2 ) A member of flash-in-the-pan rap duo Kriss Kross dies. It’s going to be hard to find a good funeral suit he can wear backwards.

1 ) A musical based on the film Rocky is in the works. People with clear diction and singing ability are ineligible for the title role.

10 ) Connecticut Governor Dannel P. Malloy takes everyone’s guns! By which I mean, enacts common-sense gun control legislation.

9 ) North Carolina Republicans are pushing a measure to establish an official state religion, in defiance of the Constitution. Keep working on that big tent, guys, it’s still looking pretty lopsided.

8 ) Kim Jong Un moves his country’s missiles into position for a possible strike against US targets. The video footage has already earned Industrial Light and Magic an Emmy nomination.

7 ) Magic Johnson expresses “a million percent” support for his recently out-of-the-closet son. He’s making up for all the heartless jackass parents who don’t support their gay children.

6 ) Chris Brown assures fans he “absolutely” won’t ever physically abuse Rihanna again, failing to recognize that allowing any woman to date him is in and of itself abusive.

5 ) Catholics are irked after Google posts a doodle honoring Cesar Chavez instead of Easter. Look, Catholics, you already have a formal holiday with several lead-in days, I think you can be big about this and let Cesar have his one-shot portrait on a search engine’s home page.

4 ) Target catches flack for describing the color of a plus-size dress as “Manatee Gray.” Other controversial size-based descriptions include #2 Ticonderoga Yellow, Orange You A Tall One, and Peter Pinklage.

3 ) Arrested Development returns next month thanks to Netflix. Firefly fans’ misplaced optimism is rekindled.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan tweets a pregnancy announcement for April Fool’s Day. The only joke there would have been on her poor kid.

1 ) Glee‘s Cory Monteith checks into rehab after first saying no no no (if you don’t get it, ask a Gleek).

10 ) Congress finds itself at an impasse over the solution to the looming fiscal cliff and filibuster reform. Going to be a long two years until mid-term elections…

9 ) Senate Republicans reject a UN-backed non-binding set of recommended standards for handicapped access based on the US’s own Americans With Disabilities Act. One more group brought under the GOP’s big umbrella!

8 ) Japan gets hits with a major earthquake on Pearl Harbor Day. This is the sort of coincidence Pat Robertson dreams about.

7 ) Fox News ramps up its annual “war on Christmas” coverage. The first casualty: credibility. Oh, wait, it’s Fox. Never mind.

6 ) The trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness drops, wowing fans while failing to name Benedict Cumberbatch’s villain. Hopefully, the character will have a more ominous name than “Benedict Cumberbatch.”

5 ) A Cape Cod-area reporter is caught fabricating sources. Editors found out from a tipster named Amanda Hugginkiss.

4 ) Gossip rag TMZ catches Mitt Romney shopping at Costco. Also known as the company run by the guy who wants higher taxes on the rich and pays employees a living wage. But hey, Romney and cognitive dissonance have always been on good terms.

3 ) Fleetwood Mac reunites for a global tour. They say they’re really going to focus on the music, which should be easy now that they’ve gotten old and doughy and don’t want to sleep with each other constantly.

2 ) Lord of the Rings geeks hit a new low in obsession by criticizing the frame rate of the new Hobbit film. Could you please go back to debating whether omitting Tom Bombadil from The Fellowship of the Ring was necessary?

1 ) Kate Middleton is pregnant. And let’s be clear, unless you are her husband, relative, or close friend, this news is NOT IMPORTANT TO ANYONE.