Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

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The Importometer Reading For February 3, 2012

Friday, February 3rd, 2012

10 ) Mitt Romney wins the Florida primary — or, as Newt Gingrich looks at it, Newt Gingrich won Florida if you ignore Mitt Romney.

9 ) Susan G. Komen for the Cure takes a huge P.R. hit by withdrawing financial support for Planned Parenthood amidst pressure from pro-life groups. Sure, because scaling back on cancer screenings for low-income women is TOTALLY pro-life.

8 ) Facebook prepares to launch a massive IPO that could rake in billions. I don’t think there’s a “Like” button in the world large enough for Mark Zuckerberg.

7 ) Don Cornelius, creator of “Soul Train,” takes his own life at age 75.

6 ) Donald Trump threatens to run for president as an independent, even though he claims he doesn’t really want to be president. Why don’t you follow that instinct, Don?

5 ) Suzanne Collins’ “The Hunger Games” is back on best-seller lists thanks to the upcoming movie. Uh, should I be happy people are reading a good book, or mad that it took the promise a movie to make them do it?

4 ) Legendary British horror factory Hammer Studios returns from the dead with “The Woman in Black” starring Daniel Radcliffe. Spoiler: the titular woman is actually Voldemort in drag.

3 ) Governor Deval Patrick signs a new two-book deal, the second of which will be an e-book “response” to reader feedback from the first. Wow, I wish I could make money off of people complaining about stuff I wrote. I’d be rolling in cash.

2 ) American Idol judges were blown away by a Britney Spears look-alike at a recent audition stop. Then they realized it actually was Britney Spears.

1 ) The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which means on Monday people across New England will either be boasting that “we” won the game or will be conveniently denying that Sunday ever happened.

The Importometer Reading For January 27, 2012

Friday, January 27th, 2012

10 ) Newt Gingrich has a great week in South Carolina, winning that state’s primary after making everyone forget about his craptacular morals by blaming his own weak will on the media at last Thursday’s debate.

9 ) Gabrielle Giffords announces she plans to retire from Congress to focus on recovering from a near-fatal gunshot wound to the head. What does it say about Congress when a member with a severe head injury has more integrity than most of her colleagues?

8 ) Mitt Romney releases his tax returns, which reveal a 15 percent tax rate on more than $42 million he earned over the course of two years. Hmmm…do I go with the “I guess corporations ARE people” joke or mock Mitt’s insistence that he’s a regular guy? Either way, I’ve still got more good choices than the entire field of Republican candidates.

7 ) Joe Paterno dies with the Penn State sex scandal unresolved. I thought he didn’t like quitters…

6 ) The Republican primary heads to Florida and the candidates get to work trying to stand out from all the other old white men…in the state, I mean, not the race.

5 ) Michele Bachmann predicts that safe, legal abortion in the US will end following the November election. Don’t worry, pro-choicers; she also predicted she’d win the presidency.

4 ) Pat Sajak admits he has hosted Wheel of Fortune while drunk. He says he drank in an effort to bring his intellect down to the level of the average Wheel of Fortune contestant.

3 ) A boat that sank off the coast of Nantucket three years ago washes up in Spain. The Spanish are now holding the ship hostage until we return at least one of its many sunken galleons.

2 ) For the first time, a Pixar release fails to earn a spot in the Oscar’s Best Animated Feature category. I’d say Steve Jobs is spinning in his grave, but I don’t feel like getting lambasted by a bunch of rabid Apple loyalists for daring to besmirch the great Jobs (seriously, Apple Zombies be crazy!).

1 ) Thousands of New Englanders find a new source of self-worth and personal achievement after some guy muffs a field goal kick. Estimated duration of this illusion: one more week. Two, if the Patriots win the Super Bowl.

The Importometer Reading For January 20, 2012

Friday, January 20th, 2012

10 ) Days after boldly declaring his campaign had been given a “ticket to ride” by New Hampshire voters, Jon Huntsman withdraws from the Republican primary race to clear the way for Mitt Romney. How nice of him to spare voters the tedious chore of making up their own minds.

9 ) And then there’s Rick Perry, who dropped out Thursday and gave his support to Newt Gingrich…in the form of a lightweight aluminum scaffolding to prop up Newt’s giant bobblehead.

8 ) A state panel finds no evidence that wind turbines cause illness. Residents claiming turbines make them sick disagree. And round it round it goes, in circles, around and around and…oy…I feel suddenly nauseated. Omigod — wind turbines DO make you sick!

7 ) The first major snowstorm of 2012 is on its way. Or not. Look, no matter what happens, we can all agree: it’s the weathermen’s fault.

6 ) Rumors fly that Rihanna has been seeing abusive ex Chris Brown on the sly. I hope this rumor proves true, but only if it also includes the phrase “to savagely pummel Brown with a cricket bat.”

5 ) Mark Walhberg inserts his foot into his mouth and swallows up to the knee when he declares how he would have handled things were he on-board one of the planes that got hijacked on 9/11. Sorry Mark, no re-takes in real life. This one goes on your permanent blooper reel.

4 ) Newt Gingrich’s former second wife claims that Newt asked for an open marriage. Jeez, lady, you should have taken him up on it. It’s not like you couldn’t have done WAY better.

3 ) A head in a bag is found near the famed “Hollywood” sign. It later sold the rights to its story to Paramount.

2 ) “American Idol” returns for another season of turning complete nobodies into highly recognized nobodies (Come on, this show’s been on for more than a decade and it’s produced only two big stars. That’s a lousy average).

1 ) The Patriots won some kind of important-ish game, now they’re getting ready to play another important-ish game. I guess the only difference is that the second game doesn’t have a really religious guy playing quarterback.

The Importometer Reading For January 6, 2012

Friday, January 6th, 2012

10 ) Mitt Romney wins the Iowa Caucus by a mere eight votes over Rick Santorum. Look, people, get it through your head: “Santorum” is not a good name for a president. Now, if he were running for the position of an evil wizard-king in Skyrim…

9 ) Obama signs the National Defense Authorization Act despite having “serious reservations” about the provisions allowing indefinite detention of terrorism suspects. What a coincidence: I’m having serious reservations about voting for Obama again.

8 ) Michele Bachmann finishes dead last in Iowa and ends her presidential campaign, thus restoring Sarah Palin to her rightful place as the GOP’s First Lady of Insanity.

7 ) The MBTA once again examines fare hikes and service cutbacks as a way to plug a growing deficit. Hey, who wants to go to Boston on a weekend anyway? It’s not like there’s anything to do there.

6 ) After initially clearing Lt. Gov. Tim Murray of any fault and refusing to release the details of his November accident, the state police backpedal at 10 MPH — the estimated speed at which the state’s second-in-command was traveling when he wiped out. Who claims the bigger oopsie: Murray or the staties?

5 ) Tempers flare out of control at a meeting of the county committee reviewing the Cape and Vineyard Electric Cooperative, culminating in Brewster Selectman Ed Lewis calling Connecticut-based activist Eric Bibler an a–hole. And you thought national politics was ugly and rude.

4 ) Roger Ebert theorizes Hollywood can reverse its 16-year-low 2011 performance by doing crazy stuff like lowering ticket and concession prices and focusing more on making good movies. Aw, what does he know about the film industry?

3 ) Katy Perry and Russell Brand file for divorce. Sad. I thought those two well-grounded, down-to-earth, boring-as-a-beige-room kids would go the distance.

2 ) Cee-Lo Green catches flack for changing the lyrics to John Lennon’s “Imagine” from “…and no religion too” to “…and all religion’s true.” THE MONSTER! I bet if John Lennon were still alive he’d curb-stomp* Cee-Lo for his audacity.

1 ) Demi Moore is tapped to play Gloria Steinem in the upcoming biopic about porn star Linda L0velace. The bad news: Demi is playing 2012 Gloria, not 1970s Gloria.

* Watch “American History X” to understand that reference. Just don’t blame me if you’re forever stuck with that horrific image in your head, you went and rented the damn movie.

Thoughts For 2012

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

I know the tradition among media-types is to do a year-in-review kind of thing in which we revisit our favorite stories, make cutesy top 10 lists, et cetera, but I’m going to take a slightly different route and present to readers a list based on my experiences and thoughts inspired by 2011. I call it…

Stuff People Really Need To Keep In Mind In 2012

Neither the President nor any of his would-be GOP successors are evil people simply by virtue of the fact their ideologies are not your ideologies. Having a differing opinion or perspective does not provide just cause for hyperbolic, panic-stricken claims that so-and-so is trying to destroy America…and certainly not just cause for Hitler/Nazi comparisons.

The majority of reality TV shows are abominations. Shows like Jersey Shore, anything preceded by The Real Housewives of…, or with a Kardashian name attached to it are a pox on society. These shows pay ridiculous amounts of money to “real people” to behave in ways that would get a normal person arrested, or at the very least relentlessly mocked at social gatherings. They glamorize imbeciles, punks, and narcissists by packaging it as entertainment. We should not reward these people with fame and/or fortune. Stop paying attention to them.

Christianity, chill out. The “secular left” is not trying to destroy you or discriminate against you. What’s really happening here is, reasonable people are tired of being browbeaten by pious twits for daring to deviate from their standards — standards that, ironically, many self-described Christian politicians are very good at invoking, but very bad at following. When someone irks you, try the gentle answer or turning the other cheek approach rather than playing the victim or telling everyone what awful people they are.

On a related note: not everything that happens in the world happens for the express purpose of making you angry. Not everything is meant as an attack on all you hold dear. Stop looking for excuses to be pointlessly pissed off about trivial crap.

A note for Hollywood: 3-D is overdone and overrated. You know what would really get people into the theaters? Good movies. Stop raiding old TV shows and comic books for fodder, stop remaking great old movies that don’t need remaking. Try — and stay with me, because it’s a radical suggestion — original material. Because TV’s doing that and TV is kicking your hinders in terms of quality entertainment. TV. You know, that thing a lot of actors didn’t want to do instead of movies…that doesn’t cost $12 a pop for tickets and another $12 for a small soda and popcorn.

If 2011 taught us anything, it’s that focused protests can achieve a lot more than a bunch of people loitering for days and weeks on end in public parks. Thanks to people taking action in a focused and organized manner, Bank of America and Verizon abandoned plans for unnecessary fees, Netflix didn’t separate into two distinct entities, and — although this one still rankles me — Lowe’s dropped its advertising for “All-American Muslim.” And that last one only took a few hundred people expressing their religious intolerance in letter form!

Wind turbines do not necessarily cause negative health impacts because of their ultra-low-frequency sound emissions. That is a scientifically unproven point, despite what Dr. Nina Pierpont’s deeply flawed study suggests. Conversely, health effects caused by prolonged stress reactions are real and cannot be discounted because it’s inconvenient for the wind industry.

No one has 365 consecutive lousy days. You are not the exception to this rule. If your life really is kind of cruddy? Chances are, much of it is within your ability to change and you’re simply not exercising your authority over yourself, so stop wasting time blaming the world around you and make some changes.

Declaring that you are the first person to post in the comment section of a blog by posting, simply, “first” is obnoxious, pointless, and pathetic, so don’t do it (especially on this blog in response to this post in a sad attempt to be funny, because that only increases your lameness tenfold).

The Importometer Reading For December 30, 2011

Friday, December 30th, 2011

10 ) The countdown begins to the Mayan End of the World! I’m sure the Mayans will prove much more reliable than that Camping guy.

9 ) Cape Wind scores another court victory and declares that it will begin construction within a year…although, considering the project’s track record so far, maybe we should read that as a “dog year.”

8 ) Ron Paul , who heads into the Iowa Caucus leading the polls, takes heat from Personhood USA because his pro-life stance is not hardcore enough. He refused to use Monty Python’s “Every Sperm in Sacred” song as his official campaign theme song.

7 ) Newt Gingrich fails to get on the Virginia ballot. But Virginia could care less after it realized Newt was courting Iowa behind its back.

6 ) Boston is declared America’s Drunkest City. WOO-HOO! We’re number three! We’re number thr– no, wait, I mean…uh, two? No, one! We’re number one! Shoot. Officer, can I start again?

5 ) Foxborough selectmen reject a plan to bring a casino to town. Very considerate of them not to hog all the cash cows, don’t you think?

4 ) Barnstable County commissioners finally fill the long-vacant and important — kinda, sorta, not really, a little, but not THAT important — county clerk position. Seriously, people, it’s not a super-critical job.

3 ) An MBTA employee gets a light reprimand for hacking an electronic sign to flash a clip of the lyrics to “Deck the Halls.” His punishment for duping commuters into believing the MBTA is run by thinking, caring human beings will be much more severe.

2 ) A fake People magazine cover proclaiming that Taylor Lautner (of “Twilight” fame and not much else) is gay fools the Internet for a half-hour or so. Twihards, got news for you: gay or straight, you’re never going to hook up with Lautner. Ever. Deal with it.

1 ) Sinead O’Connor ends her 16-day marriage to her fourth husband, claiming he was letting him go so he wouldn’t lose his disapproving family. Pictures of the Pope, her own marriage — is there nothing sacred this woman won’t tear to pieces?

The Saga of Randy Bovitch

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

Gather ’round, children, and let me tell you a story about a mysterious crusader who stepped up to speak out against a great evil in the land, then, as quickly as he came, disappeared into the mists of legend, where his name will forevermore haunt the lips of humble citizens whenever injustice raises its ugly head.

I speak of Randy Bovitch, one of that strange breed of individual known as “the tipster,” a man or woman of principle and courage — well, kinda-sorta — who contacts media outlets with hot tips for sensational stories. These unsung heroes wish to remain behind the scenes, cloaked in shadow and secrecy, for they crave not accolades or credit for their deeds…which is another way of saying they’re scared that their pot-stirring is going to blow up in their face.

If you work in the news game long enough, you eventually encounter these people, readers who (claim to have) heard something that they think is newsworthy, but who don’t want to stick their necks out themselves for fear of repercussions or reprisal.

In some cases, that concern is perfectly reasonable; whistle-blowers often experience first-hand the old axiom “no good deed goes unpunished.” In other cases — such as in the tale I am about to tell you, o reader — the tipster is, to put it very bluntly, a coward. They have an axe to grind but they want a hatchet man to do the dirty work for them.

Such is the case with “Randy Bovitch,” who entered my journalistic life on Tuesday, following my return from a very lovely Christmas out-of-state.

But first we need to backtrack a little (and here is where I start omitting certain names in the interest of sensitivity to certain parties, including those who, frankly, don’t necessarily deserve it…but hey, I’m a thoughtful guy). Last week a self-professed admirer of Barnstable County government raised questions about allegedly missing video footage from a recent Assembly of Delegates meeting — specifically footage of the Assembly Speaker making remarks about the Admirer (henceforth capitalized for your convenience).

The Admirer accused the Videographer for those meetings of deliberately editing out the Assembly Speaker’s remarks, but the Videographer maintains that the video’s timecode on the master recording is uninterrupted — hence, no editing.

Let the series of not-so-coincidental coincidences begin.

On Christmas Eve, while I was away, one Randy Bovitch sends an e-mail to me (and several other recipients) requesting that I look into an alleged “tax cheat/tax dodger” in the form of the Videographer. Randy Bovitch claims that the Videographer is in arrears with his taxes to the tune of $27,000 and change — and that as a contractor to a government entity, the Videographer is A) drawing a paycheck from tax revenue and B) legally required to divulge all tax issues as part of his contract with the county.

The Videographer was also recently named to a minor board attached to a large municipal entity, where he has a say in how — note the theme here — taxpayer money is spent on an arts project.

Twelve hours later, I receive a second e-mail from Randy Bovitch, containing extremely detailed personal and financial information about the Videographer. A quick traipse through the Registry of Deeds database confirms that the tax information is factually accurate, and a quick call to a Top County Official verifies that yes, contractors are required to sign a legal document confirming they are in compliance with all local, state, and federal tax laws.

At this point, it’s looking like there might indeed be a story of some sort here, and yet something about this is making my Spider-Sense tingle (which I mean metaphorically; despite my most fervent hopes and best efforts, I have yet to receive super-powers through the bite of a radioactive spider…but one day…)

So I turn to the mighty Google and run  a search for “Randy Bovitch” and find…absolutely nothing.

Nothing. On Google.

I try a few variant spellings, and still nothing.

I try a few online phone directories. Yet still nothing.*

I turn to the phone book. After my amazement that someone still prints actual phone books dies down, I look inside and find yet still more nothing again.

Enterprise archives? Nothing on a pogo stick. Voter rolls? Nothing with a cherry on top. Facebook? Industrial strength nothing.

(Meanwhile, the Enterprise receives a letter to the editor from a Writer effusively praising the Admirer for bringing a particular issue to the attention of the county government. A fellow Enterprise reporter informs me that the Writer, as it turns out, shares the same residential address as the Admirer…which is because she’s his mother.)

I write back to Randy Bovitch — only now becoming aware that he shares the same initials as the Admirer — to ask what his stake in this issue is and what he hopes to achieve by outing the Videographer’s tax issues. I also ask for some clue as to who he really is, citing my distaste for anonymous sources.

Randy Bovitch avoids providing me with any further details about his identity, allegedly because he fears “potential repercussions,” though he does not specify from who or what sort of repercussions he might face. Mind you, I informed him quite clearly that I planned to cite him by name as a source. His response to this was, and this is verbatim, “Okay, what you said is fine, thank you.” If there were concerns of reprisal, why did he not ask me to keep his name confidential?

He goes on to state he was simply doing research for a “third party” — a third party he insists is not the Admirer (more on that later). As for his stake in the matter, he expresses apathy, stating it is “no big deal on my end” if a story does not materialize out of what he’s provided me.

At this point, I give the Videographer a shout. He readily acknowledges the tax issues and says he is addressing them, to the satisfaction of any legal requirements on his part as a government contractor. So that wraps up that thread of this wacky tapestry.

Then, a source who I won’t identify by even a pseudonym — who I do know for a fact is a real person, and who gave me this tidbit with no veil of anonymity in place — drops a not entirely surprising bombshell: “I guarantee you that Randy Bovtich is [the Admirer].”

I smell blood in the water. Smells tangy.

The next e-mail goes out to the Admirer and Randy Bovitch, asking them point-blank if they are one in the same. The Admirer does not respond, but Randy Bovitch does. “Who?” he says. “Now you are starting to mix unrelated issues,” he says with an air of (inferred) accusation.

Then he goes for the guilt trip. “The next time that I come across something that seems a bit out of sorts durng my research, I think that I will just leave it be,” he says. “It is not worth the effort of trying to do the right thing. ”

That’s right, leave your poor informant here to die his death of cold…

In what proves to be my last e-mail to Randy Bovitch, I lay it all out: my doubts about his true identity and his actual motives, my evidence to support my theory, everything that doesn’t make sense about this whole mess.

Randy Bovitch’s response: “This is too complicated for me, just forget it. I have work to do.”

And then his GMail address vanishes. Gone. Deleted.

This morning, the story takes an unexpected twist when a Completely Random Stranger sends me an e-mail containing a link to a rambling blog post by a known Rabble-Rouser about…

(Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.)

The Videographer’s tax issues.

Surprisingly, the diatribe is all about the Videographer’s seat on the aforementioned arts board and how a “tax cheat” gets to decide how to spend taxpayer money.

Perhaps not surprisingly is that the name attached to the e-mail does not show up anywhere on Google or in the phone book and the e-mail account was deleted after the message was sent!

The word “conspiracy” gets thrown around lightly these days, but I can think of no more fitting description for this absurd adventure. I cannot dismiss it as a string of coincidences. Something was definitely afoot here, and someone tried to suck me into the middle of it under the guise of a diligent citizen trying to bring alleged wrongdoing to light.

At this point you’re probably wondering, Mike, what the hell was the point of all this? What’s the take-away here? What’s the moral of the story?

I guess the first take-away is that some people are not quite as clever as they think they are.

But I’ll pitch this as a cautionary tale for new reporters or for anyone interested in entering the field of journalism. There are people out there who have no qualms about trying to manipulate reporters and turn them into their personal character assassins, people who lack the courage to make their accusations personally and capitalize on the anonymity the Internet so easily provides them. Don’t let yourself be used like that.

There is a place in journalism for anonymous sources and there always will be, but that does not mean accepting what the man in the shadows says at face value, and it does not mean assuming that the motives are purely benevolent. They often aren’t.

Randy Bovitch, where ever and whoever you are, take some measure of pride in knowing that you will live on as an object lesson in how not to get taken for a ride. At least, in that regard, you served some useful purpose.

* EDIT: I did find out that there are only 16 known Bovitches in the United States, according to one online phone directory, and none of them live in the New England area. Not a one.

The Importometer Reading For December 23, 2011

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

10 ) Korean dictator Kim Jong Il dies. Kim Jong Il? More like Kim Jong Dead! Hahahahahaha…ha ha…uh…what, too soon?

9 ) Protesters hit Lowe’s stores across the country to express their outrage at the company’s decision to pull advertising from All-American Muslim. Lowe’s announced that it would stick with its decision, insisting that it was a business decision and that the company does not bow to pressure from any outside organization. Well, you know, from now on.

8 ) The GOP Shuffle continues as Ron Paul — yes, RON PAUL — takes over the lead contender slot in a recent poll. The only guy who hasn’t been in the top spot now is Rick Santorum, and I bet he’s practically frothing at the mouth for his shot.*

7 ) Democrats and Republicans stalemate again over a crucial issue and blame each other for Washington gridlock. Looks like that “Not Me” ghost that used to hang around in Family Circus has a new gig.

6 ) The Massachusetts State Lottery will start accepting debit cards for lottery purchases beginning as early as next month. My sympathies go out to convenience store clerks everywhere. I used to be one of you, and I know how batcrap insane lottery players could get when they were pissing away the money they had on-hand.

5) The first trailer for “The Hobbit” drops. If this does not thrill you, you have no soul and I pity you. Check it!

4 ) Pat Robertson accuses Saturday Night Live of Christian bigotry for its “Jesus Meets Tim Tebow” sketch. Could someone please let Pat know that SNL has been neither relevant nor funny for at least 15 years?

3 ) The Saugus superintendent of schools cancels a traditional annual visit from Santa Claus and, after reversing his decision, starts getting death threats from irate parents. People, that’s not “naughty list” behavior, that’s “restraining order list” behavior. Chill out. Santa Claus is still comin’ to town.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan’s issue of Playboy breaks sales records. Finally, Lohan has found a way to make some money from sacrificing her dignity.

1 ) The box office experiences its worst weekend in 16 years. I find it hard to believe that Hollywood is doing as bad as December 1995, which saw such fine films as Dracula: Dead and Loving It, White Man’s Burden, Balto, Four Rooms, Cutthroat Island — uh…never mind.

* The management would like to remind readers that if you got the joke, it’s not my fault.

The Week In Politics – Dec. 16, 2012

Friday, December 16th, 2011

You heard it here first: Daniel A. Wolf (D – Harwich), state senator of the Cape & Islands district, will run for re-election in 2012.

Sen. Wolf made that official this week during a phone interview with the Enterprise (by which I mean me). He’s had a good first year in office, and if he can keep it up through 2012 he will be a tough man to beat.

***

Who is Ronald Beaty Jr. and why is he so interested in county government all of a sudden?

We might find out more as the local election cycle powers up, but for now Beaty is a good reason to scratch your head and say “Huh?”

The West Barnstable man has become a man of letters, so to speak, over the past month, speaking out about Barnstable County government issues. Earlier this month he wrote to the Enterprise exhorting a special commission charged with studying and, if appropriate, submitting recommendations for changes to the county governmental structure to leave things as they were.

Okay, so far, so benign. Then Beaty wrote a second letter berating the same county officials he had previously praised for failing to fill the very minor position of county clerk. The post has been vacant since Scott Nickerson, who is also the county clerk of courts, resigned to focus on his court duties (and, perhaps, in response to a noteworthy bungle in his office regarding five candidates for the Barnstable County Assembly of Delegates, whose nomination paperwork was not processed properly).

The county clerk has few responsibilities, but Beaty called the vacancy a “major problem” and the need to fill it an “urgent matter.” Okay, maybe overstating things here, but nothing controversial.

Then I got a copy of an e-mail that I present in its entirety:

It seems a bit “ironic” that County Commissioner Bill Doherty should advise and encourage a man with “my background” to run for election next year for one of the Barnstable County Commissioner seats.  After all, a little over 20 years ago (1991) I was arrested, convicted and sentenced by federal authorities for threatening various elected public officials, including the President of the United States. I will have to reflect long and hard about Bill Doherty’s proposal. I shall seek advice, feedback and counsel from family, friends, and the public at large before any firm decision can be made.  Perhaps after twenty years, it is also about time that I finally ask for formal “forgiveness” from the federal government as well. With that in mind, I will be seeking a Presidential pardon from President Barack Obama relative to the previously mentioned legal issues…

HubbaWHAH?!

First of all, what’s up with all the unnecessary quotation marks?

Second, here’s the deal: Beaty filed a letter of interest for a vacancy on the Barnstable County Human Rights Commission. Bill Doherty, sitting chairman of the county commissioners, saw it and (according to copies of e-mails Beaty received from Doherty and sent to me for some reason) remarked:

Now that I read your resume I must tell you that I have a greater reason to support the possibility of your candidacy for public office…The fact that you have a background in civil rights issues and want to continue that by joining the HRC says to me you already have two of the qualifications for public office (in my opinion) Intelligence and a good heart. The third is an ability to work hard. Think about it if not the county the town there is so much need for new and younger people at all levels.

There’s no indication that Doherty was aware of Beaty’s criminal background, which is this: according to several stories I found online (including two Beaty himself provided links to), in 1991 Beaty was convicted of sending threatening letters to President George H. W. Bush, Ted Kennedy, and then-State Senator Lois Pines (he also made threats against his then-wife, but he doesn’t mention those in his e-mail) and spent time in prison for it. As you can see, Beaty is not hiding this fact.

In Beaty we have, in a microcosm, a lot of the challenges that have become so commonplace in politics. Here is a man who was convicted of some pretty serious crimes, but did his time and has by all accounts stayed out of trouble for a considerable period of time. What has greater weight: the severity of his acts, or the life he has led since? Is 20 years enough time to erase what is either a terrible lapse in judgment or a sign of an unstable and violence-prone personality?

As is too often the case, partisan politics could play a role. To use the late Ted Kennedy as a somewhat ironic example, his foes never forgave him for Chappaquiddick, while his supporters were quick to dismiss that dark chapter in Kennedy’s life as ancient history. Right now, Newt Gingrich’s boosters are turning a blind eye to his infidelity, but a lot of those same people would wag a damning finger at Bill Clinton for his sexual shenanigans.

One thing’s for sure: if this guy runs, I’m going to have some interesting things to write about next year.

***

Tom Conroy, we hardly knew ye.

The Democratic candidate for US Senate has withdrawn from the race, citing (and boy, have we seen a lot of this lately) his inability to compete against front-runner and candidate apparent Elizabeth Warren, who has a ton of money and the party’s blessing.

Those same factors have previously shoved Setti Warren and Alan Khazei out of the race prematurely — by which I mean LONG before any of us pesky voters get our say on the matter.

***

Speaking of early dropouts, Thomas Hodgson, Bristol County sheriff, announced this week he is not going to run for Congress after all. Sheriff Hodgson had been toying with the idea of running in the Fourth or Ninth District, also known as, respectively, Barney Frank’s (D) soon-to-be-former district and William R. Keating’s (D) soon-to-be-new district, but decided to stay put.

The Importometer Reading For December 9, 2012

Friday, December 9th, 2011

10 ) Herman Cain won’t go away, he won’t be silenced, and he’s at peace with himself, with his wife, and his God…so why did he suspend his presidential campaign? Oh, right: to spare his family from the pain of having his many tawdry secrets revealed. It’s so much easier to keep things in your closet when the media doesn’t care about you.

9 ) On a related note, Newt Gingrich received Herman Cain’s endorsement — which matters a lot to that precious serial adulterer voter block.

8 ) Michele Bachmann gets schooled, twice, by young people challenging her stance on gay rights and same-sex marriage. The humor here stands on its own.

7 ) A Cathedral High School student costs his football team a major win by what game officials are calling an inappropriate display of unsportsmanlike behavior: he raised his arm as he took his final few strides into the end zone, then handed the ball to a referee. MONSTER!

6 ) Fox News commentator Eric Bolling rages against “The Muppets” as a tool of the liberal anti-capitalism movement. Proof positive: the spirit of Jim Henson DOES live on!

5 ) A new study finds that conservative-leaning TV viewers generally enjoy reality programming, including shows like “Mythbusters.” Wait, I thought conservatives hated science?

4 ) Tiger Woods wins a golf tournament, lifting him from “forgotten fallen icon” to status to “Oh, he’s still around?” status.

3 ) Coca-Cola lovers fly into a disproportionate rage over the new special-for-the-holidays-white Coke cans, claiming, not unreasonably, that the cans look too much like the silver Diet Coke cans — and, very unreasonably, that the soda in the white cans tastes different. If there any any psyche students out there, I think I found a good experiment for you.

2 ) Kris Humphries tries to have his marriage annulled on grounds of fraud. Dude, sorry, having breast implants does not constitute fraud.

1 ) A movie based on the “Where’s Waldo?” books  moves forward. I think whoever gets cast as Waldo will soon be asking “Where’s my career?”

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