Archive for the ‘Local issues’ Category

10 ) A very skilled writer, reporter, and blogger turns 42 today. In lieu of cake, send Guinness.

9 ) Mitt Romney scores a solid win in Arizona and a thin victory over Rick Santorum in Michigan. I hope Ron Paul sweeps Super Tuesday, because I love watching these guys flail about desperately.

8 ) Rick Santorum said he wanted to throw up when he read a speech by President John Kennedy extolling the separation of church and state. Now Rick knows how all rational people feel whenever he says…well, anything. On a somewhat related note…

7 ) Patrick Kennedy berates Senator Scott Brown for claiming the late Ted Kennedy would agree with him about the freedoms of the Catholic church. Patrick responds by claiming Ayla Brown agreed with him that Taylor Hicks deserved to win season five of American Idol.

6 ) The Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe chooses Taunton as its next date to the casino prom. Sadly, Taunton is not so far away that the tribe can ignore Middleboro’s anguished cries of “But you said you loved ME!”

5 ) “The Artist” wins Best Picture, proving to Hollywood that the best movies are high-budget, star-studded, special effects-heavy blockbusters.

4 ) Davy Jones dies at 66 and a generation goes, “The tentacle-faced guy from the Pirates of the Caribbean movies?” My point is, young people suck.

3 ) Ben & Jerry’s apologizes for its new Jeremy Lin-themed ice cream, which contains pieces of fortune cookie. I think they should really apologize for also putting the fortunes in.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan prepares to host Saturday Night Live. Who better to host a show that no one cares about anymore than an actress no one cares about anymore?

1 ) Snooki of Jersey Shore infamy is pregnant. Argue against making birth control widely available NOW, religious right!

10 ) Mitt Romney wins the Florida primary — or, as Newt Gingrich looks at it, Newt Gingrich won Florida if you ignore Mitt Romney.

9 ) Susan G. Komen for the Cure takes a huge P.R. hit by withdrawing financial support for Planned Parenthood amidst pressure from pro-life groups. Sure, because scaling back on cancer screenings for low-income women is TOTALLY pro-life.

8 ) Facebook prepares to launch a massive IPO that could rake in billions. I don’t think there’s a “Like” button in the world large enough for Mark Zuckerberg.

7 ) Don Cornelius, creator of “Soul Train,” takes his own life at age 75.

6 ) Donald Trump threatens to run for president as an independent, even though he claims he doesn’t really want to be president. Why don’t you follow that instinct, Don?

5 ) Suzanne Collins’ “The Hunger Games” is back on best-seller lists thanks to the upcoming movie. Uh, should I be happy people are reading a good book, or mad that it took the promise a movie to make them do it?

4 ) Legendary British horror factory Hammer Studios returns from the dead with “The Woman in Black” starring Daniel Radcliffe. Spoiler: the titular woman is actually Voldemort in drag.

3 ) Governor Deval Patrick signs a new two-book deal, the second of which will be an e-book “response” to reader feedback from the first. Wow, I wish I could make money off of people complaining about stuff I wrote. I’d be rolling in cash.

2 ) American Idol judges were blown away by a Britney Spears look-alike at a recent audition stop. Then they realized it actually was Britney Spears.

1 ) The Super Bowl is this Sunday, which means on Monday people across New England will either be boasting that “we” won the game or will be conveniently denying that Sunday ever happened.

10 ) Newt Gingrich has a great week in South Carolina, winning that state’s primary after making everyone forget about his craptacular morals by blaming his own weak will on the media at last Thursday’s debate.

9 ) Gabrielle Giffords announces she plans to retire from Congress to focus on recovering from a near-fatal gunshot wound to the head. What does it say about Congress when a member with a severe head injury has more integrity than most of her colleagues?

8 ) Mitt Romney releases his tax returns, which reveal a 15 percent tax rate on more than $42 million he earned over the course of two years. Hmmm…do I go with the “I guess corporations ARE people” joke or mock Mitt’s insistence that he’s a regular guy? Either way, I’ve still got more good choices than the entire field of Republican candidates.

7 ) Joe Paterno dies with the Penn State sex scandal unresolved. I thought he didn’t like quitters…

6 ) The Republican primary heads to Florida and the candidates get to work trying to stand out from all the other old white men…in the state, I mean, not the race.

5 ) Michele Bachmann predicts that safe, legal abortion in the US will end following the November election. Don’t worry, pro-choicers; she also predicted she’d win the presidency.

4 ) Pat Sajak admits he has hosted Wheel of Fortune while drunk. He says he drank in an effort to bring his intellect down to the level of the average Wheel of Fortune contestant.

3 ) A boat that sank off the coast of Nantucket three years ago washes up in Spain. The Spanish are now holding the ship hostage until we return at least one of its many sunken galleons.

2 ) For the first time, a Pixar release fails to earn a spot in the Oscar’s Best Animated Feature category. I’d say Steve Jobs is spinning in his grave, but I don’t feel like getting lambasted by a bunch of rabid Apple loyalists for daring to besmirch the great Jobs (seriously, Apple Zombies be crazy!).

1 ) Thousands of New Englanders find a new source of self-worth and personal achievement after some guy muffs a field goal kick. Estimated duration of this illusion: one more week. Two, if the Patriots win the Super Bowl.

10 ) Days after boldly declaring his campaign had been given a “ticket to ride” by New Hampshire voters, Jon Huntsman withdraws from the Republican primary race to clear the way for Mitt Romney. How nice of him to spare voters the tedious chore of making up their own minds.

9 ) And then there’s Rick Perry, who dropped out Thursday and gave his support to Newt Gingrich…in the form of a lightweight aluminum scaffolding to prop up Newt’s giant bobblehead.

8 ) A state panel finds no evidence that wind turbines cause illness. Residents claiming turbines make them sick disagree. And round it round it goes, in circles, around and around and…oy…I feel suddenly nauseated. Omigod — wind turbines DO make you sick!

7 ) The first major snowstorm of 2012 is on its way. Or not. Look, no matter what happens, we can all agree: it’s the weathermen’s fault.

6 ) Rumors fly that Rihanna has been seeing abusive ex Chris Brown on the sly. I hope this rumor proves true, but only if it also includes the phrase “to savagely pummel Brown with a cricket bat.”

5 ) Mark Walhberg inserts his foot into his mouth and swallows up to the knee when he declares how he would have handled things were he on-board one of the planes that got hijacked on 9/11. Sorry Mark, no re-takes in real life. This one goes on your permanent blooper reel.

4 ) Newt Gingrich’s former second wife claims that Newt asked for an open marriage. Jeez, lady, you should have taken him up on it. It’s not like you couldn’t have done WAY better.

3 ) A head in a bag is found near the famed “Hollywood” sign. It later sold the rights to its story to Paramount.

2 ) “American Idol” returns for another season of turning complete nobodies into highly recognized nobodies (Come on, this show’s been on for more than a decade and it’s produced only two big stars. That’s a lousy average).

1 ) The Patriots won some kind of important-ish game, now they’re getting ready to play another important-ish game. I guess the only difference is that the second game doesn’t have a really religious guy playing quarterback.