Archive for the ‘Local issues’ Category

10 ) Anti-big corporation sentiment takes a holiday on Black Friday as retailers see a spike in activity over 2010.

9 ) Despite his post-2010 election win promise to run again in 2012, Barney Frank this week announces he will retire from Congress at the end of his current term. He blames redistricting for making it harder for him to get re-elected. Personally, I blame his crappy demeanor and laziness when it comes to campaigning.

8 ) Herman Cain “reassesses” his campaign amidst allegations he was involved in a 13-year affair. Apparently the Cain Train has a lot of sleeper cars.

7 ) Andover High athletes get in big trouble for making a teammate eat a “bodily fluid”-covered cookie as part of a team initiation ritual. You people are damn lucky this is a family-friendly blog, because oh my GOD the filthy jokes I could be telling right now!

6 ) Fox News slams Obama for leaving out any mention of God in his YouTube Thanksgiving address. God issues a statement reading, “Guys, leave Me out of this, huh?”

5 ) Sam’s Club bans “The Brick Bible” — the Old Testament illustrated in Lego — after a customer complains about the vulgar and violent content…which was actually edited out of the version that appeared on Sam’s Club shelves to make it more family-friendly. As Superintendent Chalmers once said, God has no place in school just like facts have no place in organized religion.

4 ) Miley Cyrus raises a ruckus by tweeting during her 19th birthday party “You know you’re a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke way too much [expletive deleted] weed!” Then she took off her wig and revealed herself to be Lindsay Lohan in disguise.

3 ) Rumors fly that Demi Moore has already snagged herself a new young man to replace that old codger Ashton Kutcher. I’ve got even odds that it STILL won’t resuscitate her career, which is even saggier than she is (BOOM! Cougar Slam!).

2 ) A copy of Action Comics #1, which featured the debut of Superman, sells for $2.16 million…also known as “more than Siegel and Shuster ever made for their creation in their lifetimes.”

1 ) “Breaking Dawn: Part One” beats out “The Muppets” at the box office. Yeah, well, Kermit the Frog can still emote better than Kristen Stewart.

10 ) The Congressional “super committee” proves not so super, and dissolves without ever ironing out a deficit reduction deal. But hey, they’ve given the Big Two Parties plenty of finger-pointing material. That’s worth something, right?

9 ) Deval Patrick signs casino bill into law, and less than six hours later a casino developer files a lawsuit claiming the law unlawfully favors the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe. Vegas is giving five-to-three odds that the lawsuit fails at the state supreme court level.

8 ) “The Muppets” opens to universal praise from critics, scoring a rare 100 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Screw you, CGI! Felt puppets RULE!

7 ) The Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound crows about an increase in fundraising in 2010, which was on-par with its second-worst year of fundraising ever, and that’s still not enough to dig the wind farm opposition group out of a $1.34 million deficit. What, have they been taking economics lessons from the feds?

6 ) Newt Gingrich expresses a soft stance on illegal immigrants at this week’s GOP presidential debate. Well, hope you enjoyed being first in the polls, Newt. I think it’s Rick Santorum’s turn now (heeheehee…”Santorum”).

5 ) The Nickelodeon is sold and the new owners plan to turn the venerable theater into office space. A moment of silence, if you please, for the last of Falmouth’s classic cinemas.

4 ) A new study shows that Fox News viewers possess less information about the issues of the day than people who watch no TV news at all. Fox News immediately dismisses the study as a socialist liberal plot

3 ) Thanksgiving rolls around once again, to the usual chorus of inherited generational guilt from folks who can’t separate remembering the past from acting like total buzzkills.

2 ) A Maryland company launches “Chick Beer,” a beer marketed exclusively to women, complete with pink packaging. No! Women can’t like beer! Just like they can’t enjoy sports, action movies, or video games! Dammit, women, why must you like guy stuff?! Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!

1 ) Even though Justin Bieber’s accuser has been outed as a fraud, Bieber apparently decides to really put the screws to her and submit to a DNA test to prove once and for all he did not father her kid. Damn, who knew babyface Bieber had a vindictive streak?

10 ) Mississippi rejects a proposal to legally declare fertilized human ova as “people.” You blew it, Mississippi! Once you declare them people, the sooner you can deny them access to federal safety net programs on the basis that they’re just a bunch of freeloaders taking advantage of taxpayer-funded “entitlement” programs. See? It’s part of the right’s plan to reduce federal spending! Brilliant in its way.

9 ) The Republican-controlled Michigan state senate passes an anti-bullying bill that gives bullies a loophole out if their behavior is grounded in “a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Someone please remember this the next time a Republican complains that any Christian being “persecuted” by the “godless left.”

8 ) Penn State students riot in protest over Joe Paterno’s ouster, which came after it was revealed he knew that an assistant coach was molesting young boys — proving that it’s not just Penn State’s jocks that are dumb.

7 ) Herman Cain employs a curious strategy to deflect questions about his sexual harassment allegations: he refuses to answer questions. What a brilliant ploy! I mean, everyone knows that the media won’t push hard on a topic if someone simply refuses to speak about it (please note that this joke has many, many layers of satire and irony. See if you can find them all!)

6 ) Dr. Conrad Murray is found guilt of involuntary manslaughter in the Michael Jackson case. Now, can we go after the plastic surgeons who worked on Michael? Surely they’re also guilty of some kind of crime — against aesthetics if nothing else.

5 ) The GOP is demanding state police release further details surrounding Lt. Gov. Tim Murray’s car crash last week, ostensibly to “clear up a lot of the questions surrounding the destruction of this state-owned vehicle.” Like: isn’t there ANYTHING the GOP could use to give the Patrick Administration a hard time? I mean, it’s not like they have real concerns to attend to.

4 ) The Parents Television Council (their motto: “We like our Americans the old-fashioned way: boring as hell”) shake their fists at this week’s episode of “Glee,” in which three of the characters lose their virginity. The PTC says the episode glorifies teen sex. My question is: where were they two seasons ago, when several characters were depicted as sexually active as sophomores?

3 ) Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob announced that their 20th child is on the way. TLC announces that the name of their reality show will change from “Nineteen Kids & Counting” to “Child Hoarders.”

2 ) Brett Ratner drops out as producer of the 2012 Academy Awards show after he remarks that rehearsing is “for fags.” Oscars host Eddie Murphy then quits as a show of support. I would say this would be a big setback in Murphy’s career, but really, it’s not like he really has a career anymore.

1 ) Justin Bieber agrees to a DNA test to debunk rumors he fathered a love child while simultaneously dodging Maury Povich’s phone calls like Neo dodges Agent Smith’s bullets.

The Back From Vacation Edition!

10) Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddafi is killed by Libyan rebels, prompting US politicians to brainstorm ways to take credit for themselves/deny credit to political opponents/screw up Libya’s attempt to recreate its government in a way that works for its people.

9 ) The number of “Occupy (Insert City Here)” movements continue to grow, almost to the point they outnumber the number of joke “Occupy” movements swamping the Internet.

8 ) Herman Cain continues to top recent polls, passing former Flavor of the Month Rick Perry and even Mitt Romney. Obama assumes the Finger Pyramid of Evil Contemplation pose and mutters “Excellent…” to himself.

7 ) Alan Khazei drops out of the Democratic primary race for US Senator, citing his inability to raise money in the face of the party-backed favorite, Elizabeth Warren. That’s democracy in action!

6 ) Massachusetts sees its first snowfall of the…autumn? It’s snowing already? Jeez. Yes, please, let’s give the climate change deniers yet another shaky leg to stand on.

5 ) Rick Perry casually tries to resurrect the Birther controversy, remarking that he has to take the certificate as authentic on faith because he’s never seen it personally. He also denied the existence of God because he’s never seen The Almighty in person eith– hey, wait.

4 ) Connecticut State Representative Tim Larson has proposed moving the observation of Halloween to the last weekend of October instead of October 31, claiming it would make life easier on parents, who wouldn’t have to worry about the hassle of taking their kids trick-or-treating on a work/school night. Snark-Infested Waters would like to say in response to this: suck it up, parents. Your parents managed somehow.

3 ) New England Patriot Rob Gronkowski apologizes for gallivanting with porn star Bibi Jones last week. Then he kicks himself for not taking advantage of the situation to give himself a real reason to apologize.

2 ) Organizers of the Occupy Falmouth movement are asking people to come in costume as robber barons for the Halloween protest. Because, as everyone knows, nothing sells an important political message better than cheap theatrics and lousy homemade costumes.

1 ) “Paranormal Activity 3″ wins the box office. A third movie in a trilogy that does well at the box office AND gets strong critical reception? Scary indeed!

10 ) President Obama introduces a long-range deficit introduction plan. Republicans criticize the proposed tax hikes on the rich, tax loophole closures that affect oil companies, his list of cuts, the number of times the word “fiduciary” appears in the bill, the waste of taxpayer dollars in using three staples instead of two on the binding, and Obama’s use of the elitist Times New Roman font (everyone knows real Americans prefer Corona NT Standard).

9 ) On a related note: Republican Congressman John Fleming of Florida laments that Obama’s tax hikes will make life harder for him, because in a given year he only has $400,000 left over from his $6.3 million in annual income. I know how you feel, man. The recession hit me so hard I had to sell two of my Bentleys, so I’m reduced to driving the Rolls on weekends. I don’t know how I cope.

8 ) The military officially repeals “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” The military fails to immediately crumble. Funny, that.

7 ) Rick Perry “jokingly” boasts about his poor performance in school. We get it, Rick: ANYONE can grow up to be President, even ignoramuses and dullards.

6 ) One Million Moms, an offshoot of that fun-loving arch-conservative group the American Family Association, is calling for a ban on Ben & Jerry’s “Schweddy Balls” ice cream because the name “has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive.” Remember, folks: it’s easier to get a product banned than it is to act like a parent!

5 ) Barnstable County holds its first public inquiry about the Cape and Vineyard Electric Cooperative and get a lot of answers to questions that have already been asked. And answered. Progress!

4 ) Dunkin’ Donuts plans to abandon its styrofoam cups for a greener option. That’s great and all, but I’d rather they put some effort to making their coffee good.

3 ) Netflix and Facebook team up to alienate fans through utterly pointless changes to their very successful services. And yet, you don’t see everyone rushing over en masse to Blockbuster and Google+, do you?

2 ) The attorney representing Brian Hunt, father of the Falmouth student caught “sexting” in 2009, says Hunt’s latest legal woes are the result of his client’s open criticism of the police. I believe the offending line was, “Where do those clowns get off doing their job?”

1 ) Ashton Kutcher debuts on “Two and a Half Men” the same night Charlie Sheen’s celebrity roast airs. One featured raunchy funny dialog between talented performers that pleased the audience and the other was “Two and a Half Men.”

10 ) The nation commemorates the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, when the nation put aside its differences and came together as one people…who unfairly demonized Muslims.

9 ) President Obama submits his jobs bill to Congress, also know as Where Ideas Go to Die.

8 ) Sal DiMasi is sentenced to eight years in prison following his conviction on federal corruption charges. The rest of the Legislature gasps as one, “Judges can actually sentence us to jail?!”

7 ) The Legislature begins its hearings on a proposal to expand casino gambling. Because if there’s one sure-fire way to address our fiscal crisis, it’s to ply people’s desperation to win a cushy life to encourage them to spend money they don’t have.

6 ) Former GOP front-runner Michele Bachmann failed to crack the top three in a recent voter poll. She was edged out of the number three slot by Sarah Palin…you know, the one who isn’t even running (yet). Sorry, Michele, it looks like your fifteen minutes of crazy — I mean, fame is about over.

5 ) Andy Whitfield, buff and burly star of “Spartacus,” dies after a length cancer battle. A fighter on the screen, a fighter in real life.

4 ) The New England Patriots P.R. department goes into damage control mode after Tom Brady urges fans to “start drinking early,” claiming he meant they should drink lots of water so they stay hydrated. Yeah, because if there’s one beverage every football fan loves to chug before, during, and after games, it’s a cool glass of water.

3 ) A controversial study claims children who watch frantic, non-educational cartoons like “SpongeBob SquarePants” are more prone to short-term attention and learning issues than those who do not. Parents rejoice for gaining yet another reason why they can absolve themselves of any responsibility for their own children.

2 ) An author releases a tell-all book about Sarah Palin. I’d love to say he used small words so Palin’s loyalists could understand it, but who are we kidding? It’s so much easier to condemn without facts of any sort.

1 ) George Clooney reveals he is dating former WWE Diva Stacy Keibler. And you thought Brangelina made normal couples look like crap!