Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

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The Saga of Randy Bovitch

Thursday, December 29th, 2011

Gather ’round, children, and let me tell you a story about a mysterious crusader who stepped up to speak out against a great evil in the land, then, as quickly as he came, disappeared into the mists of legend, where his name will forevermore haunt the lips of humble citizens whenever injustice raises its ugly head.

I speak of Randy Bovitch, one of that strange breed of individual known as “the tipster,” a man or woman of principle and courage — well, kinda-sorta — who contacts media outlets with hot tips for sensational stories. These unsung heroes wish to remain behind the scenes, cloaked in shadow and secrecy, for they crave not accolades or credit for their deeds…which is another way of saying they’re scared that their pot-stirring is going to blow up in their face.

If you work in the news game long enough, you eventually encounter these people, readers who (claim to have) heard something that they think is newsworthy, but who don’t want to stick their necks out themselves for fear of repercussions or reprisal.

In some cases, that concern is perfectly reasonable; whistle-blowers often experience first-hand the old axiom “no good deed goes unpunished.” In other cases — such as in the tale I am about to tell you, o reader — the tipster is, to put it very bluntly, a coward. They have an axe to grind but they want a hatchet man to do the dirty work for them.

Such is the case with “Randy Bovitch,” who entered my journalistic life on Tuesday, following my return from a very lovely Christmas out-of-state.

But first we need to backtrack a little (and here is where I start omitting certain names in the interest of sensitivity to certain parties, including those who, frankly, don’t necessarily deserve it…but hey, I’m a thoughtful guy). Last week a self-professed admirer of Barnstable County government raised questions about allegedly missing video footage from a recent Assembly of Delegates meeting — specifically footage of the Assembly Speaker making remarks about the Admirer (henceforth capitalized for your convenience).

The Admirer accused the Videographer for those meetings of deliberately editing out the Assembly Speaker’s remarks, but the Videographer maintains that the video’s timecode on the master recording is uninterrupted — hence, no editing.

Let the series of not-so-coincidental coincidences begin.

On Christmas Eve, while I was away, one Randy Bovitch sends an e-mail to me (and several other recipients) requesting that I look into an alleged “tax cheat/tax dodger” in the form of the Videographer. Randy Bovitch claims that the Videographer is in arrears with his taxes to the tune of $27,000 and change — and that as a contractor to a government entity, the Videographer is A) drawing a paycheck from tax revenue and B) legally required to divulge all tax issues as part of his contract with the county.

The Videographer was also recently named to a minor board attached to a large municipal entity, where he has a say in how — note the theme here — taxpayer money is spent on an arts project.

Twelve hours later, I receive a second e-mail from Randy Bovitch, containing extremely detailed personal and financial information about the Videographer. A quick traipse through the Registry of Deeds database confirms that the tax information is factually accurate, and a quick call to a Top County Official verifies that yes, contractors are required to sign a legal document confirming they are in compliance with all local, state, and federal tax laws.

At this point, it’s looking like there might indeed be a story of some sort here, and yet something about this is making my Spider-Sense tingle (which I mean metaphorically; despite my most fervent hopes and best efforts, I have yet to receive super-powers through the bite of a radioactive spider…but one day…)

So I turn to the mighty Google and run  a search for “Randy Bovitch” and find…absolutely nothing.

Nothing. On Google.

I try a few variant spellings, and still nothing.

I try a few online phone directories. Yet still nothing.*

I turn to the phone book. After my amazement that someone still prints actual phone books dies down, I look inside and find yet still more nothing again.

Enterprise archives? Nothing on a pogo stick. Voter rolls? Nothing with a cherry on top. Facebook? Industrial strength nothing.

(Meanwhile, the Enterprise receives a letter to the editor from a Writer effusively praising the Admirer for bringing a particular issue to the attention of the county government. A fellow Enterprise reporter informs me that the Writer, as it turns out, shares the same residential address as the Admirer…which is because she’s his mother.)

I write back to Randy Bovitch — only now becoming aware that he shares the same initials as the Admirer — to ask what his stake in this issue is and what he hopes to achieve by outing the Videographer’s tax issues. I also ask for some clue as to who he really is, citing my distaste for anonymous sources.

Randy Bovitch avoids providing me with any further details about his identity, allegedly because he fears “potential repercussions,” though he does not specify from who or what sort of repercussions he might face. Mind you, I informed him quite clearly that I planned to cite him by name as a source. His response to this was, and this is verbatim, “Okay, what you said is fine, thank you.” If there were concerns of reprisal, why did he not ask me to keep his name confidential?

He goes on to state he was simply doing research for a “third party” — a third party he insists is not the Admirer (more on that later). As for his stake in the matter, he expresses apathy, stating it is “no big deal on my end” if a story does not materialize out of what he’s provided me.

At this point, I give the Videographer a shout. He readily acknowledges the tax issues and says he is addressing them, to the satisfaction of any legal requirements on his part as a government contractor. So that wraps up that thread of this wacky tapestry.

Then, a source who I won’t identify by even a pseudonym — who I do know for a fact is a real person, and who gave me this tidbit with no veil of anonymity in place — drops a not entirely surprising bombshell: “I guarantee you that Randy Bovtich is [the Admirer].”

I smell blood in the water. Smells tangy.

The next e-mail goes out to the Admirer and Randy Bovitch, asking them point-blank if they are one in the same. The Admirer does not respond, but Randy Bovitch does. “Who?” he says. “Now you are starting to mix unrelated issues,” he says with an air of (inferred) accusation.

Then he goes for the guilt trip. “The next time that I come across something that seems a bit out of sorts durng my research, I think that I will just leave it be,” he says. “It is not worth the effort of trying to do the right thing. ”

That’s right, leave your poor informant here to die his death of cold…

In what proves to be my last e-mail to Randy Bovitch, I lay it all out: my doubts about his true identity and his actual motives, my evidence to support my theory, everything that doesn’t make sense about this whole mess.

Randy Bovitch’s response: “This is too complicated for me, just forget it. I have work to do.”

And then his GMail address vanishes. Gone. Deleted.

This morning, the story takes an unexpected twist when a Completely Random Stranger sends me an e-mail containing a link to a rambling blog post by a known Rabble-Rouser about…

(Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.)

The Videographer’s tax issues.

Surprisingly, the diatribe is all about the Videographer’s seat on the aforementioned arts board and how a “tax cheat” gets to decide how to spend taxpayer money.

Perhaps not surprisingly is that the name attached to the e-mail does not show up anywhere on Google or in the phone book and the e-mail account was deleted after the message was sent!

The word “conspiracy” gets thrown around lightly these days, but I can think of no more fitting description for this absurd adventure. I cannot dismiss it as a string of coincidences. Something was definitely afoot here, and someone tried to suck me into the middle of it under the guise of a diligent citizen trying to bring alleged wrongdoing to light.

At this point you’re probably wondering, Mike, what the hell was the point of all this? What’s the take-away here? What’s the moral of the story?

I guess the first take-away is that some people are not quite as clever as they think they are.

But I’ll pitch this as a cautionary tale for new reporters or for anyone interested in entering the field of journalism. There are people out there who have no qualms about trying to manipulate reporters and turn them into their personal character assassins, people who lack the courage to make their accusations personally and capitalize on the anonymity the Internet so easily provides them. Don’t let yourself be used like that.

There is a place in journalism for anonymous sources and there always will be, but that does not mean accepting what the man in the shadows says at face value, and it does not mean assuming that the motives are purely benevolent. They often aren’t.

Randy Bovitch, where ever and whoever you are, take some measure of pride in knowing that you will live on as an object lesson in how not to get taken for a ride. At least, in that regard, you served some useful purpose.

* EDIT: I did find out that there are only 16 known Bovitches in the United States, according to one online phone directory, and none of them live in the New England area. Not a one.

The Importometer Reading For December 23, 2011

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

10 ) Korean dictator Kim Jong Il dies. Kim Jong Il? More like Kim Jong Dead! Hahahahahaha…ha ha…uh…what, too soon?

9 ) Protesters hit Lowe’s stores across the country to express their outrage at the company’s decision to pull advertising from All-American Muslim. Lowe’s announced that it would stick with its decision, insisting that it was a business decision and that the company does not bow to pressure from any outside organization. Well, you know, from now on.

8 ) The GOP Shuffle continues as Ron Paul — yes, RON PAUL — takes over the lead contender slot in a recent poll. The only guy who hasn’t been in the top spot now is Rick Santorum, and I bet he’s practically frothing at the mouth for his shot.*

7 ) Democrats and Republicans stalemate again over a crucial issue and blame each other for Washington gridlock. Looks like that “Not Me” ghost that used to hang around in Family Circus has a new gig.

6 ) The Massachusetts State Lottery will start accepting debit cards for lottery purchases beginning as early as next month. My sympathies go out to convenience store clerks everywhere. I used to be one of you, and I know how batcrap insane lottery players could get when they were pissing away the money they had on-hand.

5) The first trailer for “The Hobbit” drops. If this does not thrill you, you have no soul and I pity you. Check it!

4 ) Pat Robertson accuses Saturday Night Live of Christian bigotry for its “Jesus Meets Tim Tebow” sketch. Could someone please let Pat know that SNL has been neither relevant nor funny for at least 15 years?

3 ) The Saugus superintendent of schools cancels a traditional annual visit from Santa Claus and, after reversing his decision, starts getting death threats from irate parents. People, that’s not “naughty list” behavior, that’s “restraining order list” behavior. Chill out. Santa Claus is still comin’ to town.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan’s issue of Playboy breaks sales records. Finally, Lohan has found a way to make some money from sacrificing her dignity.

1 ) The box office experiences its worst weekend in 16 years. I find it hard to believe that Hollywood is doing as bad as December 1995, which saw such fine films as Dracula: Dead and Loving It, White Man’s Burden, Balto, Four Rooms, Cutthroat Island — uh…never mind.

* The management would like to remind readers that if you got the joke, it’s not my fault.

The Week In Politics – Dec. 16, 2012

Friday, December 16th, 2011

You heard it here first: Daniel A. Wolf (D – Harwich), state senator of the Cape & Islands district, will run for re-election in 2012.

Sen. Wolf made that official this week during a phone interview with the Enterprise (by which I mean me). He’s had a good first year in office, and if he can keep it up through 2012 he will be a tough man to beat.

***

Who is Ronald Beaty Jr. and why is he so interested in county government all of a sudden?

We might find out more as the local election cycle powers up, but for now Beaty is a good reason to scratch your head and say “Huh?”

The West Barnstable man has become a man of letters, so to speak, over the past month, speaking out about Barnstable County government issues. Earlier this month he wrote to the Enterprise exhorting a special commission charged with studying and, if appropriate, submitting recommendations for changes to the county governmental structure to leave things as they were.

Okay, so far, so benign. Then Beaty wrote a second letter berating the same county officials he had previously praised for failing to fill the very minor position of county clerk. The post has been vacant since Scott Nickerson, who is also the county clerk of courts, resigned to focus on his court duties (and, perhaps, in response to a noteworthy bungle in his office regarding five candidates for the Barnstable County Assembly of Delegates, whose nomination paperwork was not processed properly).

The county clerk has few responsibilities, but Beaty called the vacancy a “major problem” and the need to fill it an “urgent matter.” Okay, maybe overstating things here, but nothing controversial.

Then I got a copy of an e-mail that I present in its entirety:

It seems a bit “ironic” that County Commissioner Bill Doherty should advise and encourage a man with “my background” to run for election next year for one of the Barnstable County Commissioner seats.  After all, a little over 20 years ago (1991) I was arrested, convicted and sentenced by federal authorities for threatening various elected public officials, including the President of the United States. I will have to reflect long and hard about Bill Doherty’s proposal. I shall seek advice, feedback and counsel from family, friends, and the public at large before any firm decision can be made.  Perhaps after twenty years, it is also about time that I finally ask for formal “forgiveness” from the federal government as well. With that in mind, I will be seeking a Presidential pardon from President Barack Obama relative to the previously mentioned legal issues…

HubbaWHAH?!

First of all, what’s up with all the unnecessary quotation marks?

Second, here’s the deal: Beaty filed a letter of interest for a vacancy on the Barnstable County Human Rights Commission. Bill Doherty, sitting chairman of the county commissioners, saw it and (according to copies of e-mails Beaty received from Doherty and sent to me for some reason) remarked:

Now that I read your resume I must tell you that I have a greater reason to support the possibility of your candidacy for public office…The fact that you have a background in civil rights issues and want to continue that by joining the HRC says to me you already have two of the qualifications for public office (in my opinion) Intelligence and a good heart. The third is an ability to work hard. Think about it if not the county the town there is so much need for new and younger people at all levels.

There’s no indication that Doherty was aware of Beaty’s criminal background, which is this: according to several stories I found online (including two Beaty himself provided links to), in 1991 Beaty was convicted of sending threatening letters to President George H. W. Bush, Ted Kennedy, and then-State Senator Lois Pines (he also made threats against his then-wife, but he doesn’t mention those in his e-mail) and spent time in prison for it. As you can see, Beaty is not hiding this fact.

In Beaty we have, in a microcosm, a lot of the challenges that have become so commonplace in politics. Here is a man who was convicted of some pretty serious crimes, but did his time and has by all accounts stayed out of trouble for a considerable period of time. What has greater weight: the severity of his acts, or the life he has led since? Is 20 years enough time to erase what is either a terrible lapse in judgment or a sign of an unstable and violence-prone personality?

As is too often the case, partisan politics could play a role. To use the late Ted Kennedy as a somewhat ironic example, his foes never forgave him for Chappaquiddick, while his supporters were quick to dismiss that dark chapter in Kennedy’s life as ancient history. Right now, Newt Gingrich’s boosters are turning a blind eye to his infidelity, but a lot of those same people would wag a damning finger at Bill Clinton for his sexual shenanigans.

One thing’s for sure: if this guy runs, I’m going to have some interesting things to write about next year.

***

Tom Conroy, we hardly knew ye.

The Democratic candidate for US Senate has withdrawn from the race, citing (and boy, have we seen a lot of this lately) his inability to compete against front-runner and candidate apparent Elizabeth Warren, who has a ton of money and the party’s blessing.

Those same factors have previously shoved Setti Warren and Alan Khazei out of the race prematurely — by which I mean LONG before any of us pesky voters get our say on the matter.

***

Speaking of early dropouts, Thomas Hodgson, Bristol County sheriff, announced this week he is not going to run for Congress after all. Sheriff Hodgson had been toying with the idea of running in the Fourth or Ninth District, also known as, respectively, Barney Frank’s (D) soon-to-be-former district and William R. Keating’s (D) soon-to-be-new district, but decided to stay put.

The Importometer Reading For December 9, 2012

Friday, December 9th, 2011

10 ) Herman Cain won’t go away, he won’t be silenced, and he’s at peace with himself, with his wife, and his God…so why did he suspend his presidential campaign? Oh, right: to spare his family from the pain of having his many tawdry secrets revealed. It’s so much easier to keep things in your closet when the media doesn’t care about you.

9 ) On a related note, Newt Gingrich received Herman Cain’s endorsement — which matters a lot to that precious serial adulterer voter block.

8 ) Michele Bachmann gets schooled, twice, by young people challenging her stance on gay rights and same-sex marriage. The humor here stands on its own.

7 ) A Cathedral High School student costs his football team a major win by what game officials are calling an inappropriate display of unsportsmanlike behavior: he raised his arm as he took his final few strides into the end zone, then handed the ball to a referee. MONSTER!

6 ) Fox News commentator Eric Bolling rages against “The Muppets” as a tool of the liberal anti-capitalism movement. Proof positive: the spirit of Jim Henson DOES live on!

5 ) A new study finds that conservative-leaning TV viewers generally enjoy reality programming, including shows like “Mythbusters.” Wait, I thought conservatives hated science?

4 ) Tiger Woods wins a golf tournament, lifting him from “forgotten fallen icon” to status to “Oh, he’s still around?” status.

3 ) Coca-Cola lovers fly into a disproportionate rage over the new special-for-the-holidays-white Coke cans, claiming, not unreasonably, that the cans look too much like the silver Diet Coke cans — and, very unreasonably, that the soda in the white cans tastes different. If there any any psyche students out there, I think I found a good experiment for you.

2 ) Kris Humphries tries to have his marriage annulled on grounds of fraud. Dude, sorry, having breast implants does not constitute fraud.

1 ) A movie based on the “Where’s Waldo?” books  moves forward. I think whoever gets cast as Waldo will soon be asking “Where’s my career?”

The Importometer Reading For December 2, 2011

Friday, December 2nd, 2011

10 ) Anti-big corporation sentiment takes a holiday on Black Friday as retailers see a spike in activity over 2010.

9 ) Despite his post-2010 election win promise to run again in 2012, Barney Frank this week announces he will retire from Congress at the end of his current term. He blames redistricting for making it harder for him to get re-elected. Personally, I blame his crappy demeanor and laziness when it comes to campaigning.

8 ) Herman Cain “reassesses” his campaign amidst allegations he was involved in a 13-year affair. Apparently the Cain Train has a lot of sleeper cars.

7 ) Andover High athletes get in big trouble for making a teammate eat a “bodily fluid”-covered cookie as part of a team initiation ritual. You people are damn lucky this is a family-friendly blog, because oh my GOD the filthy jokes I could be telling right now!

6 ) Fox News slams Obama for leaving out any mention of God in his YouTube Thanksgiving address. God issues a statement reading, “Guys, leave Me out of this, huh?”

5 ) Sam’s Club bans “The Brick Bible” — the Old Testament illustrated in Lego — after a customer complains about the vulgar and violent content…which was actually edited out of the version that appeared on Sam’s Club shelves to make it more family-friendly. As Superintendent Chalmers once said, God has no place in school just like facts have no place in organized religion.

4 ) Miley Cyrus raises a ruckus by tweeting during her 19th birthday party “You know you’re a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke way too much [expletive deleted] weed!” Then she took off her wig and revealed herself to be Lindsay Lohan in disguise.

3 ) Rumors fly that Demi Moore has already snagged herself a new young man to replace that old codger Ashton Kutcher. I’ve got even odds that it STILL won’t resuscitate her career, which is even saggier than she is (BOOM! Cougar Slam!).

2 ) A copy of Action Comics #1, which featured the debut of Superman, sells for $2.16 million…also known as “more than Siegel and Shuster ever made for their creation in their lifetimes.”

1 ) “Breaking Dawn: Part One” beats out “The Muppets” at the box office. Yeah, well, Kermit the Frog can still emote better than Kristen Stewart.

The Importometer Reading For November 25, 2011

Friday, November 25th, 2011

10 ) The Congressional “super committee” proves not so super, and dissolves without ever ironing out a deficit reduction deal. But hey, they’ve given the Big Two Parties plenty of finger-pointing material. That’s worth something, right?

9 ) Deval Patrick signs casino bill into law, and less than six hours later a casino developer files a lawsuit claiming the law unlawfully favors the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe. Vegas is giving five-to-three odds that the lawsuit fails at the state supreme court level.

8 ) “The Muppets” opens to universal praise from critics, scoring a rare 100 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Screw you, CGI! Felt puppets RULE!

7 ) The Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound crows about an increase in fundraising in 2010, which was on-par with its second-worst year of fundraising ever, and that’s still not enough to dig the wind farm opposition group out of a $1.34 million deficit. What, have they been taking economics lessons from the feds?

6 ) Newt Gingrich expresses a soft stance on illegal immigrants at this week’s GOP presidential debate. Well, hope you enjoyed being first in the polls, Newt. I think it’s Rick Santorum’s turn now (heeheehee…”Santorum”).

5 ) The Nickelodeon is sold and the new owners plan to turn the venerable theater into office space. A moment of silence, if you please, for the last of Falmouth’s classic cinemas.

4 ) A new study shows that Fox News viewers possess less information about the issues of the day than people who watch no TV news at all. Fox News immediately dismisses the study as a socialist liberal plot

3 ) Thanksgiving rolls around once again, to the usual chorus of inherited generational guilt from folks who can’t separate remembering the past from acting like total buzzkills.

2 ) A Maryland company launches “Chick Beer,” a beer marketed exclusively to women, complete with pink packaging. No! Women can’t like beer! Just like they can’t enjoy sports, action movies, or video games! Dammit, women, why must you like guy stuff?! Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!

1 ) Even though Justin Bieber’s accuser has been outed as a fraud, Bieber apparently decides to really put the screws to her and submit to a DNA test to prove once and for all he did not father her kid. Damn, who knew babyface Bieber had a vindictive streak?

Arguments That Don’t Hold Water – Or Wind (Addendum)

Monday, November 14th, 2011

If you’re a resident of Falmouth, you’re almost certainly aware that opponents of the town-owned turbines scored at least a temporary victory when the board of selectmen agreed to shut down the controversial Wind-1 turbine, which some maintain is causing a variety of health issues for nearby residents. Wind-1 and its companion Wind-2 will operate on a somewhat limited basis for testing purposes.

Meanwhile, a special committee will meet on Wednesday to review its findings to date on the Cape and Vineyard Electric Cooperative, which has been catching seven shades of hell for alleged improprieties in administration, financing, and transparency. Those within and close to the organization claim some of CVEC’s critics are in fact bent out of shape over CVEC’s efforts to fund onshore wind projects across the region.

And of course, there is Cape Wind. Good old reliable always-good-for-raising-hackles Cape Wind.

What do these three issues have in common, besides the obvious? One argument that has been repeated by turbine foes time and time again is the claim that wind is not as cheap as its supporters say it is, that other forms of renewable energy are cheaper.

Time to set that record straight, and the fact of the matter is two out of three of these projects blow solar out of the water.

This year the Energy Information Administration, part of the US Department of Energy, published a “levelized cost comparison” for new energy technologies. This looks at the overall cost of constructing and and operating a power generation facility for its lifespan (however long that may be for the respective technologies), including the cost of its fuel.

Focusing on the renewable energy generation options, here is the breakdown in order of the total levelized system costs per megawatt hour (expressed in 2009 dollars):

  • Hydropower: 86.4
  • Onshore wind: 97.0
  • Geothermal: 101.7
  • Biomass: 112.5
  • Solar – photovoltaic: 210.7
  • Offshore wind: 243.2
  • Solar – thermal: 311.8

So, for those of you arguing for solar power over onshore wind because of the economics, the Department of Energy begs to differ. Cape Wind, however, is not looking so hot compared to everything except thermal solar energy.

There you go, wind critics. Have at!

http://www.capewind.org/index.php

The Importometer Reading For Nov. 11, 2011

Friday, November 11th, 2011

10 ) Mississippi rejects a proposal to legally declare fertilized human ova as “people.” You blew it, Mississippi! Once you declare them people, the sooner you can deny them access to federal safety net programs on the basis that they’re just a bunch of freeloaders taking advantage of taxpayer-funded “entitlement” programs. See? It’s part of the right’s plan to reduce federal spending! Brilliant in its way.

9 ) The Republican-controlled Michigan state senate passes an anti-bullying bill that gives bullies a loophole out if their behavior is grounded in “a sincerely held religious belief or moral conviction.” Someone please remember this the next time a Republican complains that any Christian being “persecuted” by the “godless left.”

8 ) Penn State students riot in protest over Joe Paterno’s ouster, which came after it was revealed he knew that an assistant coach was molesting young boys — proving that it’s not just Penn State’s jocks that are dumb.

7 ) Herman Cain employs a curious strategy to deflect questions about his sexual harassment allegations: he refuses to answer questions. What a brilliant ploy! I mean, everyone knows that the media won’t push hard on a topic if someone simply refuses to speak about it (please note that this joke has many, many layers of satire and irony. See if you can find them all!)

6 ) Dr. Conrad Murray is found guilt of involuntary manslaughter in the Michael Jackson case. Now, can we go after the plastic surgeons who worked on Michael? Surely they’re also guilty of some kind of crime — against aesthetics if nothing else.

5 ) The GOP is demanding state police release further details surrounding Lt. Gov. Tim Murray’s car crash last week, ostensibly to “clear up a lot of the questions surrounding the destruction of this state-owned vehicle.” Like: isn’t there ANYTHING the GOP could use to give the Patrick Administration a hard time? I mean, it’s not like they have real concerns to attend to.

4 ) The Parents Television Council (their motto: “We like our Americans the old-fashioned way: boring as hell”) shake their fists at this week’s episode of “Glee,” in which three of the characters lose their virginity. The PTC says the episode glorifies teen sex. My question is: where were they two seasons ago, when several characters were depicted as sexually active as sophomores?

3 ) Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob announced that their 20th child is on the way. TLC announces that the name of their reality show will change from “Nineteen Kids & Counting” to “Child Hoarders.”

2 ) Brett Ratner drops out as producer of the 2012 Academy Awards show after he remarks that rehearsing is “for fags.” Oscars host Eddie Murphy then quits as a show of support. I would say this would be a big setback in Murphy’s career, but really, it’s not like he really has a career anymore.

1 ) Justin Bieber agrees to a DNA test to debunk rumors he fathered a love child while simultaneously dodging Maury Povich’s phone calls like Neo dodges Agent Smith’s bullets.

The Week In Politics – November 4, 2011

Friday, November 4th, 2011

Just a brief entry this week. It looks like Sheila R. Lyons is already planning to run for re-election to the Barnstable County Board of County Commissioners. Ms. Lyons is hosting a campaign fundraiser today at the Crown & Anchor in P-town beginning at 5:30 PM.

When it comes to the county commissioner race, the question here is who among the Barnstable County Assembly of Delegates, if anyone, will attempt to jump over to the executive branch of county government? Two of the county commissioners’ three members — Lyons and Bill Doherty — are themselves former Assembly members, and it’s not unusual for someone from the Assembly to throw their hat into the county commissioner ring.

Of course, on the opposite end of the interest spectrum, Lyons could run utterly unopposed this year. Remember that Doherty had no opponent when he ran for re-election last year.

The Importometer Reading For November 4, 2011

Friday, November 4th, 2011

10 ) The Pilot, the Boston archdiocese’s official newspaper, retracts and apologizes for an op-ed piece that blames homosexual behavior on the devil. I kind of hope it’s true; it’d be further proof that Hell is going to be a lot more fun and interesting than Heaven.

9 ) Ann Coulter declares conservative blacks superior to liberal blacks, and claimed only conservative African-Americans are subject to racism. Of course, for her remarks to have any weight to them, one has to first believe that Ann Coulter has ever actually talked to a liberal for a point of comparison…

8 ) Bank of America takes a page from Netflix’s book and scraps an unpopular plan — in BoA’s case, to instate a fee for debit card use — after it sheds a bunch of angry customers. Another case where money not just talks, it walks, too…right to another business.

7 ) Rick Perry makes a bizarre, rambling, and yes, girlishly giddy speech in New Hampshire. Perry denies he was under the influence of anything. You know, I don’t have to make fun of this one. Perry does it all by himself. Observe:

6 ) Herman Cain deflects accusations that he sexually harassed two women during his time as head of the National Restaurant Association. He insists that his remarks that he’d deliver in 30 minutes or less and satisfaction was guaranteed were misconstrued.

5 ) Reason #327 why homosexuals aren’t the ones ruining the institution of marriage: Kim Kardashian, who spent $10 million on her wedding to NBA star Kris Humphries — who proposed after dating Kim for only six months — and earned $17.9 million for putting it all on TV, files for divorce after all of 72 days of marriage.

4 ) Republicans give President Obama grief after he misquotes the Bible (the phrase “God helps those who help themselves” is not a Bible verse). What, is the GOP mad that Obama is horning on their shtick? The whole mangling the Bible for political gain? That’s THEIR thing!

3 ) Filene’s Basement goes down for good. If this isn’t a sign that it’s finally time to start my fight club for perspective brides, I don’t know what is.

2 ) Justin Bieber is accused of fathering a secret love child. If proven true, thousands of girls in this country will lose all respect for Justin. The guys, however…

1 ) Lindsay Lohan…hell, I don’t even have to finish this one. I mention her name and everyone knows she screwed up again somehow.

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