Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

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The Importometer Reading For August 10, 2012

Friday, August 10th, 2012

10 ) A white supremacist goes on a shooting rampage at a Sikh temple, in doing so presenting ironic evidence against his belief that white people are better.

9 ) The risk of EEE is at a historical high in Massachusetts, experts say. Lyme disease is SO last year.

8 ) Mitt Romney catches flack for an attack ad claiming, inaccurately, that Obama struck down a work-for-welfare provision. He promptly blamed the error on his evil twin…you know, the same guy who said all the past statements Romney wants to disown.

7 ) Analysts call a recent spike in gas prices an “aberration.” Weren’t you the same analysts that said we’d see $5-a-gallon gas, like, ten times now?

6 ) Composer Marvin Hamlisch dies. Trust me, kids, you HAVE heard his music before.

5 ) NBC’s occasionally lousy coverage of the Olympics gets as much media exposure as the Olympics themselves. And better yet: no six-hour delay in showing everyone how bad their coverage is.

4 ) Experts confirm that a man swimming off the Cape was bitten by a great white. The victim was reportedly twice shy about speaking to the media about this.

3 ) Country star Randy Travis is arrested while drunk and naked. Sounds like a new song in the making to me.

2 ) Actor Bob Hoskins announces his retirement. British fans weep. American fans go, “Who? Oh, the guy from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? He’s still alive?”

1 ) Jokes about Joe Paterno and the Aurora theater shooting are thrown out during a roast of Rosanne (Barr) Arnold. On the plus side, no one will here them. It’s not as if anyone is going to want to watch Roseanne on TV again.

The Importometer Reading For July 20, 2012

Friday, July 20th, 2012

10 ) Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are in a virtual dead heat in national polls. Well, nice to see all that negative campaigning is working; America doesn’t like either of them.

9 ) George Zimmerman claims his shooting of Trayvon Martin was “God’s plan.” God replies, “Don’t pin this on me, douchebag.”

8 ) Mitt Romney demands an apology from the Obama camp over its constant skepticism of Romney’s time at Bain Capital. Sorry, Mittens, if Obama can deal with three-plus years of birther B.S., you can endure a couple weeks of scrutiny over your business record. Speaking of that…

7 ) Rush Limbaugh claims that Bane, the villain of the new The Dark Knight Rises, is in fact a thinly veiled slam against Mitt Romney. If that’s so, why is the insanely wealthy Bruce Wayne fighting against him? Shouldn’t they be teaming up to take down that liberal hippie Green Arrow.

6 ) Lobster prices plunge due to a market glut. Who’d've ever thought we could have an over-abundance of sea cockroach?

5 ) Ticket holders to a canceled 1979 The Who concert will get a refund.Sure, that’s SO much better than seeing the entire band in their prime.

4 ) Glee gets snubbed by the Emmys. Is it really a snub if an awards ceremony for excellence in television ignores a show because it’s not good anymore?

3 ) Ikea announces it will start selling its own brand of beer. In true Ikea tradition, they will forget to put alcohol in one out of every six cans.

2 ) Fred Willard is arrested for lewd conduct at an adult movie theater. He was heard to remark, “Wha hoppen?”*

1 ) Tabloids got crazy speculating about what happened between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes…and I mean jumping-on-Oprah’s-couch crazy.

 

* If you ever saw Waiting for Guffman, this joke is hysterical. I think it was Waiting For Guffman. Maybe it was A Mighty Wind. I don’t know, Fred plays the same character in everything he’s in.

The Importometer Reading For July 13, 2012

Friday, July 13th, 2012

10 ) Governor Deval Patrick vetoes a common-sense EBT card reform measure that would ban the use of state welfare for things like booze, lottery, bail, and tattoos.

9 ) Arizona Governor Jan Brewer asks the Supreme Court to overturn a state court’s ruling that state employees with a same-sex partner may continue to receive health benefits. But hey, it’s a dry hate.

8 ) Massachusetts voters will this November vote on proposals pertaining to medical marijuana and self-induced euthanasia. (Mental note: start new business, call it “Stoned to Death”)

7 ) 20 million DirectTV viewers lose two dozen Viacom-owned channels after the two corporations fail to come to an agreement of licensing fees. But hey, sports! Still lots of sports programming! You still have, like, twelve ESPNs to choose from!

6 ) Ernest Borgnine dies at age 95. Strangely, sales of “McHale’s Navy” and “The Black Hole” on DVD do not spike.

5 ) Twilight fans rally round a fellow fan who was struck and killed by a car at ComiCon. The vigil is expected to last three days, after which point they’ll know she’s not coming back as a vampire.

4 ) A Franklin man skips out on a court date so he can appear on Today. Fortunately, no one saw the show to prove he was there instead of in court.

3 ) He-Man celebrates his 30th anniversary by swearing to lay off the steroids.

2 ) The producers of The Hunger Games films announce that the third book, Mockingjay, will be presented as two movies. Look, you jerks, if Peter Jackson could fit Return of the King into a single movie…

1 ) A proposed biopic of guitar legend Jimi Hendrix will go forward without any Hendrix music after the late musician’s family denies the music rights to producers. Next up, a film about Rocky Marciano with no boxing, a film about Dale Earnhardt with no cars, and a movie about Lawrence Olivier with no acting.

The Importometer Reading For July 6, 2012

Friday, July 6th, 2012

10 ) In the wake of last week’s Supreme Court decision on Obamacare, Senator Rand Paul declares, “Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be Constitutional does not make it so.” Someone needs to remind Sen. Paul what “a couple,” “Supreme Court,” and “Constitutional” mean.

9 ) A Florida lifeguard is fired for saving a swimmer who was outside his designated patrol area. He deserves it, frankly. Who puts a person’s welfare ahead of corporate loyalty anyway? America-haters, that’s who!

8 ) Mitt Romney flip-flops again, calling the health care mandate fee a tax after he previously insisted it wasn’t. At the rate he’s going, I’m expecting Mitt will have morphed into a black lesbian by the end of the campaign.

7 ) Occupy Boston is encouraging T riders to protest the recent fare hikes and service cuts by fare-jumping. What better way to protest increased fares by robbing the MBTA of more revenue — which could prompt them to increase the security presence, which will cost more money. Brilliant plan!

6 ) Anderson Cooper comes out of closet, proclaiming himself “gay and proud”…and a little miffed because the story was broken by Wolf Blitzer.

5 ) Andy Griffith passes away at the age of 86. I think whistling his funeral dirge might somehow undermine the mood.

4 ) “The Amazing Spider-Man” sets a July 4 box office record, and sends the message to Hollywood it’s never to early to reboot a franchise. Peter Jackson is already hard at work doing a new version of “The Hobbit,” which will premiere six months after his current version debuts in December.

3 ) Katie Holmes announces she is divorcing Tom Cruise. What? A Hollywood marriage is ending? Who saw that one coming?

2 ) David Ortiz says he feels “humiliated” that the Red Sox only offered him a one-year contract at $14.57 million — a $2 million raise from his salary last year. He mourned this indignity by consuming a case of Cristal in his gold-plated bathtub in house number three.

1 ) Apple plans to release a smaller version of its iPad. The working name is “Seriously, It’s Not Just an iPhone We’ve Re-Branded.”

The Importometer Reading For June 29, 2012

Friday, June 29th, 2012

10 ) The US Supreme Court upholds Obamacare. In unrelated news, staffers talk Mitt Romney off a ledge. Why he went out there, I guess one can only speculate.

9 ) Nabisco draws the ire of homophobes everywhere with its “gay pride Oreo” promo image and threaten a boycott. Good! More Oreos for those who deserve them.

8 ) President Obama gets booed as his own fundraiser in Massachusetts after praising the Kevin Youkilis trade. Guess who just became a swing state?

7 ) The MBTA proposes raising money by selling off naming rights to its T stations. Good thing Lechmere went out of business or things could get REALLY confusing.

6 ) Pundits speculate whether the heroine of the new Pixar film Brave is a lesbian because she doesn’t want to get married and likes physical activities. That’s our standard for spotting lesbians now? I guess it’s a step up from the Birkenstock-and-Indigo Girls stereotype.

5 ) Former gubernatorial candidate Christy Mihos blows off a court hearing on domestic abuse charges. His lawyer claims his estranged wife is trying to gain leverage in divorce proceedings, but come on…it’s not like Christy has money anymore.

4 ) A Libertarian blogger holds a profanity-heavy rally in Middleboro to protest the town’s anti-swearing bylaw, thus proving that freedom of speech has a price. In this case it’s allowing an unfocused doofus to defend the right to free speech in the most clumsy and unconvincing way possible.

3 ) James Cameron announces that he will film three Avatar sequels back-to-back. It was the most efficient way to cater to his titanic ego*.

2 ) Ann Curry is officially ousted from the Today show, making way for a new female co-host who STILL won’t be as interesting as Katie Couric (who wasn’t as interesting as Jane Pauley).

1 ) Charlie Sheen announces that after his new series Anger Management ends, he’s leaving Hollywood. I hear he’s actually being muscled out by Lindsay Lohan so she can assert her position as the industry’s top alcoholic drug-addled imploding former big star who’s squandering her talent.

 

* = See what I did there?

The Importometer Reading For June 22, 2012

Friday, June 22nd, 2012

10 ) Michigan State Rep. Lisa Brown is silenced by her peers after using the word “vagina” during a discussion on abortion bills. It appears the Michigan House is a bunch of — well, in the name of decency I won’t use the word I want to, but here’s a hint: it’s a synonym for “vagina.”

9 ) Republicans accuse President Obama of pandering to Latino voters by pushing for immigration reform. Meanwhile, the Democrats accuse Mitt Romney of pandering to everyone by dodging a question on whether he’d repeal such an act. Girls, girls, stop fighting! You’re BOTH sucking up to the electorate!

8 ) Speaking of Der Mittster, Romney name-drops and says he’s looking at Florida Senator Marco Rubio as a running mate…no doubt in an effort to win support among voters who like to screw up elections.

7 ) US Senator Scott Brown agrees to debate Elizabeth Warren…only if MSNBC is frozen out of the broadcast and Victoria Kennedy withholds an endorsement of Warren. Warren, meanwhile, agreed to participate only if Brown mans up and stops acting like a total synonym for vagina.

6 ) The Attorney General’s Office puts the brakes on Middleboro’s anti-obscenity bylaw until it can determine if the bylaw is in fact constitutional. Meanwhile, people will just have to deal with profanity the old fashioned way: sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA!”

5 ) The mayor of Cambridge considers banning the sale of super-sized sodas to fight obesity. You know what else causes obesity? Bad decisions and a lack of self-control. Maybe Cambridge should ban those too.

4 ) Video game Lara Croft gets a controversial reboot that includes an implied sexual assault attempt in her backstory. But hey, they made her chest smaller, so that’s a step in the right direction, right?

3 ) Massachusetts residents suffer a strange case of mass amnesia and completely forget that just a few months ago, they were complaining about how cold it was.

2 ) Alec Baldwin has another hissy fit, this time on a photographer. I swear, he does this stuff just so he has new material for his next visit to Saturday Night Live.

1 ) Advance reviews aren’t looking so hot for the history/horror mash-up film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Maybe Rutherford B. Hayes: Mermaid Slaughterer will fare better.

The Importometer Reading For June 15, 2012

Friday, June 15th, 2012

10 ) Catherine Greig immediately appeals eight-year prison sentence. The courts have advised her that her paperwork has gone missing, but they expect it to turn up in California in about 16 years.

9 ) The voters of Taunton approve a casino for the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe. Yeah, good luck to you, Taunton. I’m sure you won’t get burned like Middleboro did. Speaking of Middleboro…

8 ) Middleboro institutes fines for swearing in public. Middleboro, this one’s for you:

7 ) The American Humanist Association plans to appeal a court ruling that keeps “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance in a Massachusetts school district, thus proving atheists can also be myopic self-centered twits.

6 ) More than 30 years after the infamous incident, an Australian coroner determines that a dingo really did take Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton’s baby.

5 ) Falmouth High School seniors receive their diplomas but no invocation at their commencement ceremony. Amazingly, many of them will nevertheless go on to have happy, successful lives.

4 ) The Boston Herald freaks the hell out of website visitors by posting, openly and with no warnings, a picture of the Florida man who had much his face eaten off. It’s a sad day when the Boston Herald lacks tact and good taste.

3 ) A Falmouth woman gets arrested after approaching an unmarked police car she thought belonged to the drug dealers she planned to buy heroin from (allegedly). That’s why they call it dope indeed.

2 ) Burger King kills the bacon craze by announcing the debut of a bacon sundae. Speaking of ruining things I like…

1 ) Octomom Nadya Suleman draws a paycheck by participating in a “celebrity pillow fight” with a Philadelphia morning radio show host. I don’t know what makes me madder: the misuse of the term “celebrity” or the fact this will forever ruin for me the sexy pillow fight fantasy.

EDIT 6/26: Due to excessive spamming, the comments function for this entry has been turned off. E-mail me if you’re compelled to gripe about something posted here.

A Tale Of Two Anonymities

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

The anonymous source is a tried and true necessary evil in the journalism world. Anonymous tipsters have been the catalyst behind some of the greatest stories in my life time (Watergate being the most infamous), and reporters have willingly sat in jail cells for weeks and months to protect their sources.

In the Internet age, the concept of the anonymous source has taken on a less glamorous image, because nowadays anyone can set up a blog or fire off e-mails from a fake address and accuse anyone of anything without ever providing a shred of evidence or providing a clue to his or her identity — and the Internet, being what it is, and people, being who they are, are wont to repeat the message as fact without ever checking the source’s or the information’s authenticity.

For that reason, I’ve grown to dislike and distrust anonymous sources. At best they’re spouting easily disprovable nonsense, at worst they’re people with personal agendas who are too cowardly to do their own dirty work and try to get the media to grind their axe on their behalf. Rarely are the sources, their causes, and their desire to remain anonymous valid.

This week, that rare species reared its head in the form of Friends of Falmouth Wind.

The Friends of Falmouth Wind is a group that supports responsible wind development in Falmouth, and the continued operation of the two town-owned turbines. The group recent launched an online petition drive, which the Enterprise learned about via a press release e-mailed from the greatest of friends to the anonymous pot-stirrer, a Gmail account.

Unwilling to take the group at face value (for reasons to be explained), we contacted the group asking for some names. We wanted to make sure this was a legitimate effort and not the work of a lone rabble-rouser looking to throw some stones from behind a curtain.

What we got was a list of seven names — some immediately recognizable, some not — which constituted the core of the organization, along with a request to keep those names confidential “due to legitimate concerns of harassment.”

Now, I’ve heard this reason before from people wishing to remain as anonymous sources: they fear that by speaking out publicly, they expose themselves to retribution. I’ve always viewed that as a cop-out excuse, perhaps biased by the fact that as a reporter, my name is attached to every single thing I write, which means if someone is going to give me hell for writing a less-than-flattering story about them, they know exactly who I am and where to find me.

Besides, lots of brave people speak out against real and perceived injustices every day and escape unscathed (though in fairness I will not speculate as to whether this is the rule or the exception.)

In this case, the fear is real; there have been documented incidents of harassment against people on both sides of the wind turbine debate, ranging from late-night crank phone calls to spamming e-mail accounts with angry diatribes. The emotion here, particularly on the side of the aggrieved residents who claim they’re suffering ill health effects because of the turbines’ noise output, is very raw and tends to promote somewhat uncivilized behavior.

When all factors were taken into account, the call was made to honor the request for anonymity, that call justified in no small way by the fact that we knew the players, and we knew where to get ahold of them if necessary. They were real people and this was a real group.

And then there is Voices on Wastewater, which in an angry e-mailed response to the Friends story, deemed “You, your editor, and your entire newspaper…a bunch of God damned HYPOCRITES!” (“You” meaning me, FYI.)

VOW, formerly the Coalition Against an Undemocratic Regional Wastewater Authority, was formed in February in response to a proposal by the Special Commission on County Governance to create a Cape-wide wastewater entity to implement and oversee a region-wide wastewater management plan. This entity — originally dubbed a “wastewater authority” and later a “wastewater district” — could have taxation powers, and a new bureaucracy that can levy a tax against homeowners is always cause for concern, no matter how noble the cause.

In its initial press release, VOW claimed to be “a Cape-wide group” comprised of 18 “members and interested parties…from the following Cape Cod towns: Wellfleet, Orleans, Dennis, Yarmouth, Barnstable, Sandwich, Falmouth, Bourne and Mashpee. It includes at least 2 environmental engineers, former Selectmen, current selectmen, retirees, housewives, business-persons, community/political activists, real estate professionals, and educators.”

No names were attached to the e-mail, and multiple requests for the identities of these 18 individuals received the following response (when a response was given at all): “The group is presently in its organizational phase. Other than that, we have no Comment about anything. Good day.”

(I later learned that my contemporaries over at the Barnstable Patriot received the exact same response when they tried to find out who was in the group, although they were also told that the anonymity was to avoid “political retribution by the powerful political clique that has formed in support of the recommendations issued by the Special Commission…the allegations [that VOW is a sham organization] are simply an ongoing political strategy by the county officials…in order to try and undermine any and all opposition to their plans”.)

The mystery deepened when, first, I started receiving tips that VOW was not a group, but a front for a single person with a well-established grudge against the wastewater authority/district concept.

Things got even stranger when VOW named names. In March the Coalition Against et cetera changed its name to VOW “after a series of internal votes by its supporters in every town across the Cape.” Three of the listed supporters were the Orleans Water Alliance, Brewster Selectman Jim Foley, and “community activist” Mike Foley of Orleans.

Funny thing: a representative from the Orleans Water Alliance said the OWA “is not affiliated in any way with Voices On Wastewater,” and Mr. Foley said in a brief phone conversation he was not part of the group.

VOW’s response when this was brought to their (his?) attention: “Other than what has already been stated, we have No Comment about anything. Good day.”

Until this week’s finger-wagging, VOW has been all but silent — although I have received a number of e-mails on wastewater-related matters from a series of Gmail accounts that have so far all proven false.

So in the end we have the concept of the anonymous source at its two extremes, one of which illustrates the value and need of anonymous sources that have faith in the integrity of the press, and one that makes the whole idea look shady and underhanded.

What the two groups share is that they’re embroiled in hot controversies that seem to bring out the worst in both sides, and for that reason alone it’s a shame that anyone feels they have to hide their faces. Whether for or against wind turbines or organized wastewater management, proponents and opponents alike should be able to opine freely, without fear that they will be attacked relentlessly and on a personal level.

Raise the tone of the conversations, people. Don’t give anyone a reason to fear speaking their minds.

The Week In Politics – May 25, 2012

Friday, May 25th, 2012

It’s looking like Barnstable will be gaining a new representative to the Barnstable County Assembly of Delegates.

Thomas K. Lynch, who has served on the county’s legislative body for 11 years, is as I write this on his way to becoming Barnstable’s new town manager, which means he will have to resign from the assembly since the town charter bans its town manager from holding an elected position at the same time.

At present, the only confirmed candidate for the seat is Ronald R. Beaty Jr. If there are any readers out there considering a run for the assembly, I’d encourage you to do so, first and foremost so voters will have a choice in the coming election. Choice and competition are necessary to a healthy political process.

This is especially true here, because Mr. Beaty has yet to show himself to be something more than a one-trick pony; based on the content of his blog and his press releases, his sole purpose in running is to throw up a roadblock in front of the Special Commission on County Governance.

The special commission has filed two recommendations that Mr. Beaty has actively railed against: a proposal to merge the assembly with the Barnstable County Board of County Commissioners (or, as some put it, eliminate the assembly and expand the board), and a proposal to create a regional wastewater management entity that could possess taxation powers.

Are these trivial non-issues? No, but the scope of the assembly’s duties stretches well beyond ensuring its own continued existence and wastewater. It helps craft annual operating and supplemental budgets. It reviews and approves Districts of Critical Planning Concern, changes to the county charter, and changes to the Regional Policy Plan. It creates new entities to help the county deal with pressing issues.

I know I often knock the assembly as a somewhat vestigial organ in the county government organism, and while I maintain that there may well be better ways to accomplish the functions it serves, it does have its fingers in a number of not unimportant pies — and I question whether Mr. Beaty would be an effective delegate when he’s up to his elbows in one very specific pie.

One-issue candidates generally make poor elected officials, and having to run an actual race would tell voters whether he had a vision for county government beyond his pet projects…and if not, would give voters another option.

***

A brief bookmark update: Peter A. White of Mashpee has updated his campaign website address to reflect the fact he is now a candidate for Congress rather than the US Senate. The URL is www.peterwhiteforcongress.org, and as an added note, it’s a much nicer-looking site than his past efforts.

***

Senate President Therese M. Murray (D – Plymouth), who last week held her on-Cape re-election campaign kick-off event, picked up one of her first endorsements of the season, from the Massachusetts Women’s Political Caucus Political Action Committee.

The PAC called Sen. Murray “a devoted advocate for women throughout the Commonwealth. From her support of education reform to expanded access to affordable, quality healthcare to her efforts on behalf of victims of domestic violence, she has worked tirelessly to improve the lives of women and their families.”

Political news and announcements may be e-mailed to Michael Bailey, senior political reporter, at bailey@capenews.net.

The Importometer Reading For May 25, 2012

Friday, May 25th, 2012

10 ) Polls show that the Obama/Romney and Brown/Warren races are neck-and-neck. Dammit, that means we’ll have to pay attention!

9 ) An Ohio court rules that a gay high school student is free to wear his “Jesus Is Not A Homophobe” T-shirt in school. If only the school had turned the other cheek…then it wouldn’t have to pay the kid $20,000 in damages.

8 ) The State Senate moves to close a loophole in Melanie’s Law to catch people who admit in court to drunk driving but are not convicted. Whoops, I think I just found another loophole.

7 ) Gas prices drop in advance of Memorial Day Weekend, which on Cape Cod means it’ll cost less to sit in hours-long back-ups and the bridges.

6 ) Newark Mayor and Obama supporter Cory Booker catches serious flack from the Democratic Party for calling attacks on Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital record “nauseating” and “crap.” Booker now holds the world record for the fastest backpedal ever.

5 ) George Lazenby blasts the producers of the new James Bond movie Skyfall for selling out to Heineken, which replaces vodka martinis as Bond’s drink of choice. Critics said a rant from Sean Connery would have been better.

4 ) Mitt Romney wins primaries in Kentucky and Arkansas, beating out — oh, right.

3 ) Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black III. Each ticket comes with one free exposure to the MIB’s memory eraser to help audiences forget about Men in Black II.

2 ) Donald Driver wins Dancing with the Stars, proving you don’t need to be an actual star to win.

1 ) Who sank Battleship? The Avengers, that’s who! Well, that and the mere concept of someone making a Michael Bay-esque action film based on a board game.

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