10 ) Three more people are arrested in connection with the Boston Marathon bombing. By now each of them should be the focus of their own wacko conspiracy theory (see below for more conspiratorial fun!).
9 ) Former Boston Celtic Jason Collins becomes the first active major league sports star to come out of the closet. His move emboldened more than a few homophobes to reveal themselves as well. Win-win.
8 ) Two guys we don’t care much about win a primary special election and launch right into the standard general election campaign white noise. Could we maybe just have these guys duke it out in the octagon?
7 ) A New Hampshire legislator claims that footage of a seriously injured man showing no signs of pain is proof that the Boston Marathon bombing was trumped up by the government. You know, isn’t it funny that this woman was NOWHERE NEAR the bombing at the time? Almost as if she were trying to put as much distance as possible between herself and the event? As if to cover her involvement? That’s right: State Representative Stella Tremblay (R – Auburn) is one of the masterminds behind the Marathon bombing! And since you just read it on the Internet, and she can’t prove she WASN’T involved, it must be true!
6 ) A Connecticut man is arrested after allegedly joking about having a bomb while boarding a Steamship Authority ferry. Hey, good one, doofus. We’ll be laughing all the way to the trial.
5 ) Miley Cyrus poses for a racy magazine photo shoot to prove what an adult she is. Because acting in a responsible and mature manner is SO last year.
4 ) Mike Tyson takes to the stage to tell his life story in a new one-man show. I’m all ears, Iron Mike. Uh, I mean…
3 ) A critically panned Spice Girls musical will close next month. The musical lasted almost as long as their careers.
2 ) A member of flash-in-the-pan rap duo Kriss Kross dies. It’s going to be hard to find a good funeral suit he can wear backwards.
1 ) A musical based on the film Rocky is in the works. People with clear diction and singing ability are ineligible for the title role.