Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

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Archive for the ‘National issues’ Category

The Importometer Reading For February 22, 2013

Friday, February 22nd, 2013

10 ) Arkansas stands poised to pass the most restrictive anti-abortion bill in the land, one that bans abortion after only 12 weeks of pregnancy, half the standard defined in Row V. Wade. Yes, because what the world needs are more Arkansans.

9 ) Mississippi finally ratifies the 13th Amendment banning slavery, blames the delay on a clerical error. Congratulations, Mississippi, you have now officially joined the 19th Century.

8 ) Cardinal Sean O’Malley of the Boston Archdiocese emerges as a possible contender for Pope. Way to shake things up there, Vatican.

7 ) More snow hits Massachusetts. Can we go back to whining about how hot it is?

6 ) Fox News irks the pagan community with its shocking lack of knowledge of Wicca. Someone should tell the pagans to stop taking it personally; Fox News is ignorant of just about everything.

5 ) The Massachusetts Legislature contemplates a bill that would require all state documents to be written at a third-grade level. Oh, sorry: men and women in Boston want to make stupid writing okay.

4 ) Mindy McReady commits suicide on the same front porch her boyfriend killed himself. Too bad she’s dead. This would make a great country-western song.

3 ) The Oscars are Sunday. Not the “Academy Awards,” the “Oscars.” Yes, that’s sure to bring in the viewers.

2 ) Oprah Winfrey is recognized at the Essence Awards and remarks there’s nothing better than “being recognized by your own.” Which is why Oprah honors herself every month by slapping her face on the cover of her self-title magazine. And every day by turning on her eponymous TV network (hey, someone has to watch it).

1 ) Megan Fox is cast in Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, making this the first Bay movie with a completely artificial cast.

The Importometer Reading For February 15, 2013

Friday, February 15th, 2013

10 ) The region continues to recover from the Blizzard of 2013, a.k.a. Winter Storm Nemo. The Weather Channel continues to fail to realize the irony of its name choice. (Read a book, people.)

9 ) Pope Benedict announces his retirement in February. Great, another special election filled with attack ads.

8 ) Cape Cod finally gets its power back. You know, this wouldn’t be a problem if we all had wind turbines.

7 ) County commissioners and the Assembly of Delegates continue their back-and-forth over which of them needs to be reformed to improve county government. Girls, girls, stop fighting — you’re both pretty!

6 ) A crippled cruise ship makes it back to land, freeing its passengers from days at sea amidst dwindling food supplies and an increasingly overflowing septic system. (Mental note: make pitch to TruTV for new reality show. Working title: Ship Happens.)

5 ) The double amputee Olympian known as the Blade Runner is arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Dude, I know the handicapped can do anything the unimpaired can do, but come on…

4 ) Marco Rubio delivers a dry rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union speech.

3 ) Chris Brown refrains from joining a standing ovation at the Grammys for rival Frank Ocean. Chris was upset that he was beaten. He then promptly failed to grasp the irony.

2 ) A Montana TV station is hacked and broadcasts a zombie attack alert — also known as an ad for “Fox and Friends.”

1 ) Movie critics agree it is in fact NOT A Good Day to Die Hard, which at this point is referring more to the franchise than the John McClane character.

The Importometer Reading For February 8, 2013

Friday, February 8th, 2013

10 ) SNOWMAGEDDON 2013! See you in April, when the snow finishes melting!

9 ) The Boy Scouts defer a vote to allow gay members and leaders. Scouts may be brave, but their leadership sure isn’t.

8 ) Special Election Mania begins as John Kerry formally leaves his US Senate post. Oh, inflammatory GOP press releases, how I missed you so!

7 ) Rick Santorum declares that homosexuals should not be allowed into the Boy Scouts. Someone should tell Rick that the best way to remain politically relevant is not to embrace perspectives on social issues that are becoming increasingly irrelevant.

6 ) Rapper Chris Brown wants people to stop accusing him of criminal behavior. Chris, we only accuse you because we love you so much, but I swear, baby, we’ll never accuse you again.

5 ) Disney plans to churn out stand-alone films set in the Star Wars universe. They plan to use the money to build an actual Death Star. Sorry — DisneyWorld Low Geosynchronous Orbit.

4 ) The Super Bowl loses power for more than a half-hour. New England responds, “Oh, there was a Super Bowl going on?”

3 ) Katie Couric reveals that Larry King once tried to seduce her. Gee, wonder how she managed to turn down that smoldering hunk of raw sexuality?

2 ) Dick Morris is fired from Fox News. Some speculate that his botched prediction of a Romney landslide victory over Obama was a factor, but come on: if Fox fired everyone who said something stupid and untrue, the place would be a ghost town. Oh, say, there’s a thought…

1 ) Monopoly fans vote to lose the flatiron game piece and replace it with a cat. The piece comes with its own rules: place it on “Go” and yell at it to move; curse loudly when the cat ignores you and stays right where it is.

The Importometer Reading For December 21, 2012

Friday, December 21st, 2012

10 – 1 ) The nation reels from the deadly school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. For more on that, go to this post.

Some Thoughts On Sandy Hook

Monday, December 17th, 2012

Having had the weekend to process what happened Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, I’ve collected several related thoughts and presented them below. I’m not inclined to dwell on any one topic at this point, but I expect I will respond to any comments.

* When the initial shock fades and the business of honoring the dead is finished, the county needs to have two critical discussions, the first of which is the state of mental health care in this country. There are still way too many cracks to slip through and too much stigma to overcome…although incidents such as this contribute to that stigma and too easily undo any progress our society has made.

* Conversation number two, like it or not, is about our nation’s gun laws. The conversation cannot be about a universal ban on citizens uninvolved with the military or law enforcement communities possessing firearms, nor can it be about relaxing gun laws so much that everyone can have them and carry them unrestricted. Both perspectives are grossly unrealistic. That said, pro-Second Amendment folks need to accept the fact that firm, common-sense gun laws are NOT a step toward “taking away our guns” but a step toward the goal they claim to support: keeping guns available to law-abiding citizens who will not abuse them.

* The nation’s allegedly declining mortality is not a necessary conversation, because this had nothing to do with the gunman’s — or anyone’s — morality. It has to do with one sick individual acting out in a way that made some twisted form of sense in his mind. Using this incident as a lever to push a simplistic agenda for putting society on a proper moral path is both futile and ignorant of the complexity of the many, many topics that play into this tragedy.

* This is one of those times when I am ashamed of my profession. Sticking camera and microphones in the faces of traumatized children to get their feedback on what happened? Disgusting. I would have paid good money for one of those kids to kick a reporter in the shins…or higher, if he could have reached.

* Anyone who honestly believes that this horror was the direct result of the absence of religion in schools needs to re-examine just who they believe God is. What Mike Huckabee and his fundamentalist ilk are saying is, basically, God is such a petty, needy, spiteful, vindictive, callous, heartless being that He would allow the slaughter of innocent children — including those who were and came from people of faith — to prove a point and terrify people into worshiping Him. This is the sort of bile that drives people away from religion and helps paint those of faith who are putting their belief to good use, e.g., comforting those affected by the tragedy, in an undeserved unflattering light.

* Speaking of religious idiots, of course the opportunistic jackasses of the Westboro Baptist Church are planning to picket the memorial services and funerals…and the Ku Klux Klan — yes, THAT Ku Klux Klan — is planning to counter-protest the church. What does it say about the WBC when a hate group like the KKK says you’re going too far?

* Finally, just as in the wake of Columbine, school officials and parents are looking at school security and wondering what they can do to keep their kids safer. Short answer: you can’t do anything, not unless you turn schools into prisons.

After Columbine, schools began implementing security measures that ranged from reasonable and common-sense (locking all access points to the school during the day and driving visitors to a single secure entrance) to a little outrageous (making kids and visitors go through metal detectors). None of that made a difference to the shooter, who forced his way past the school’s safeguards.

What else do people want to do? High concrete walls topped with razor wire? Snipers in high guard towers? Dogs patrolling the school grounds? It won’t matter; if someone wants to get in badly enough, he’ll find a way in, and quite possibly in a manner no one every saw coming because, as has been said, you cannot predict crazy and you can’t prepare for everything. Seal off the schools and someone might go for the buses. Secure the buses they might go for kids at bus stops. Protect kids at the stops and maybe someone will just forget the school entirely and for the after-school youth club or the local mall or the prom.

The truth no one ever wants to accept is this: no one is 100 percent safe 100 percent of the time, and anything adults do in response to Sandy Hook is going to be more for their own peace of mind than for their kids’ safety.

Adults should take some comfort in the fact that such shootings are, really, very rare. I hasten to add that if it happens even once a century, it’s one time too many, but look at the numbers: there are approximately 99,000 public schools in the U.S. (National Center for Education Statistics) and school is open for 180 days a year (U.S. Department of Education). In 2012 there have been four incidents of gun violence in a public school (Information Please database). That’s four days of fatal gun violence out of 17.82 million school days per year.

The secret to reducing, if not eliminating those four days is not to place children in lockdown 24 – seven. All that does is teach them to be afraid all the time. All it does is rob them of something they need to be successful adults: a chance to experience life, good and bad, and learn how to deal with the trials and traumas that will inevitably come their way.

The Importometer Reading For December 14, 2012

Friday, December 14th, 2012

10 ) Tim Cahill’s corruption trial ends with a deadlocked jury. The odds of that happening were 20-to-one.

9 ) State Treasurer Steve Grossman wants Lottery players to be able to buy scratch tickets using their credit cards. Oh, what could POSSIBLY go wrong there?

8 ) Two Australian radio DJs, pretending to be Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles, lose their jobs after their prank call to a London nurse sparks her suicide. Can we all finally admit that prank phone calls simply aren’t funny?

7 ) Amazon.com agrees to start collecting Massachusetts state sales tax on purchases beginning next November. Don’t suppose we could get the tax rolled back to five percent, could we? No? Didn’t think so.

6 ) The Falmouth Board of Selectmen choose the chairman’s son to fill a vacancy on the Cape Cod Commission over a much more experienced candidate. Hey, what’s a little nepotism in the name of getting the boss’s kid out of the mail room?

5 ) A convicted killer is caught before he could carry out a bizarre plot to murder Justin Bieber. Mark David Chapman this guy ain’t.

4 ) The Golden Globes nominees are announced. I’m already apathetic about the Oscars!

3 ) Paul McCartney steps in to take Kurt Cobain’s place as Nirvana reunites for the Hurricane Sandy benefit concert. Wait, what? No, that can’t possibly be right. That’s like saying The Doors are replacing Jim Morrison with Paul Anka.

2 ) Peter Jackson insists the J.R.R. Tolkien would have wanted The Hobbit presented as three movies. Sure, and I bet he would have wanted the huge royalty check, too.

1 ) Adam Sandler sings at the 12-12-12 benefit concert. By which I mean he mumbled some of the lyrics, screamed others, and recited the lyrics in a babyish man-child voice.

The Importometer Reading For December 7, 2012

Friday, December 7th, 2012

10 ) Congress finds itself at an impasse over the solution to the looming fiscal cliff and filibuster reform. Going to be a long two years until mid-term elections…

9 ) Senate Republicans reject a UN-backed non-binding set of recommended standards for handicapped access based on the US’s own Americans With Disabilities Act. One more group brought under the GOP’s big umbrella!

8 ) Japan gets hits with a major earthquake on Pearl Harbor Day. This is the sort of coincidence Pat Robertson dreams about.

7 ) Fox News ramps up its annual “war on Christmas” coverage. The first casualty: credibility. Oh, wait, it’s Fox. Never mind.

6 ) The trailer for Star Trek Into Darkness drops, wowing fans while failing to name Benedict Cumberbatch’s villain. Hopefully, the character will have a more ominous name than “Benedict Cumberbatch.”

5 ) A Cape Cod-area reporter is caught fabricating sources. Editors found out from a tipster named Amanda Hugginkiss.

4 ) Gossip rag TMZ catches Mitt Romney shopping at Costco. Also known as the company run by the guy who wants higher taxes on the rich and pays employees a living wage. But hey, Romney and cognitive dissonance have always been on good terms.

3 ) Fleetwood Mac reunites for a global tour. They say they’re really going to focus on the music, which should be easy now that they’ve gotten old and doughy and don’t want to sleep with each other constantly.

2 ) Lord of the Rings geeks hit a new low in obsession by criticizing the frame rate of the new Hobbit film. Could you please go back to debating whether omitting Tom Bombadil from The Fellowship of the Ring was necessary?

1 ) Kate Middleton is pregnant. And let’s be clear, unless you are her husband, relative, or close friend, this news is NOT IMPORTANT TO ANYONE.

The Importometer Reading For November 30, 2012

Friday, November 30th, 2012

10 ) SNOW! SNOW! DEAR SWEET JESUS IT SNOWED THIS WEEK AND IT WAS A NIGHTMARE! Actually, it was nothing big, but man, you go eight months without it and everyone forgets how to drive in it.

9 ) Home sales in Massachusetts increase, along with home prices. In your face, recession! Or depression. Or whatever the hell our economy’s in.

8 ) Congressional Republicans are considering breaking the “no taxes” pledge they signed in order to address the “fiscal cliff.” Whoa, hey, let’s not throw that purely symbolic pledge based on Republican dogma out the window so fast there. I mean sure, you could actually help people and solve a major problem, but is it worth your honor?

7 ) Ironically named casino mogul Steve Wynn eyeballs a new site in Everett for a casino. Please! Everyone knows that Lynn is the shady, low-rent city of choice for a casino.

6 ) Lt. Gov. Tim Murray drops hints he might run for governor. Hey, we just got out of an election cycle! Slow down! Oh, uh, I mean…no, I mean slow down, leadfoot.

5 ) Larry Hagman dies, but we won’t find out what killed him until next fall.

4 ) Chris Brown deletes his Twitter account following a vulgar exchange with a female comedian. What? Chris Brown treating women badly? I’m shocked…SHOCKED, I say!

3 ) Korean rapper’s Psy’s Gangnam Style video surpasses Justin Bieber’s Baby as the most-watched music video on YouTube. Lesson learned: a song with lyrics you don’t understand can be superior to a song with lyrics that you do understand but suck.

2 ) Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men, finds religion and in a YouTube video exhorts people to stop watching his show because it’s “filth.” And God says, the truth shall set you free (of your contract with CBS).

1 ) Lindsay Lohan gets roasted by critics for her portrayal of Elizabeth Taylor in a TV movie. Her reward? Charlie Sheen pays off $100,000 she owes in back taxes.

The Importometer Reading For November 23, 2012

Friday, November 23rd, 2012

10 ) Israel bombs the bejesus out of the Gaza Strip. Uh…Happy Thanksgiving?

9 ) National retailers face a backlash from employees forced to start their Black Friday shifts on Thursday night. “They can just suck it up,” said the CEO of one such company from the warmth of his bed around noontime Friday.

8 ) A woman who works with developmentally disabled adults catches hell after taking a mocking photo of herself at Arlington National Cemetery. Photobomb indeed.

7 ) Russell Brand takes on members of the Westboro Baptists Church and wins. Who saw that coming?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2JAErHl7lZ4#!

6 ) Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash resigns after a second man accuses him of an underage sex scandal and his first accuser recants his earlier recantation. This is sounding more like Avenue Q than Sesame Street.

5 ) Bill O’Reilly plugs the Dan’l Webster Inn in Sandwich as hosting one of the country’s best Thanksgiving meals. Bill? If you want people to go there, maybe you shouldn’t attach your name to the place.

4 ) MC Hammer becomes relevant again thanks to a ridiculous — and entertaining as hell — duet with Korean rapper Psy at the American Music Awards. You’re welcome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=WOyo7JD7hjo

3 ) And then Jenny McCarthy ruins the show by molesting Justin Bieber at the podium. Ew, ew, a million times ew.

2 ) AC/DC finally releases its catalog on iTunes. Don’t give them too hard a time about dragging their feet on this. It took them 20 years to learn a fourth chord.

1 ) Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 makes more than $140 million in its first weekend. You know what this means? Kristien Stewart and Robert Pattinson are job creators.

The Black Friday Survival Guide

Monday, November 19th, 2012

Friday marks a major day: it is the 14th annual observation of Thank God I Don’t Work in Retail Anymore Day, marked by me in a quiet, tasteful ceremony that involves feeling sorry for the poor SOBs who have yet to escape Retail Hell. I hold this ceremony from the cozy confines of my bed.

This year I’m expecting Black Friday to be a bit of an ugly affair since many national retail companies are planning to open earlier than ever before — midnight or even Thanksgiving evening — which means workers get to sacrifice even more of their holiday catering to the whims of corporate heads who get to sleep in. Across the country Walmart and Target employees in particular are staging strikes and walkouts to protest these ridiculous early openings.

If you agree that Black Friday (which is slowing morphing into Black Thursday) is getting out of control — well, don’t forget to first look in the mirror, because you may have played a role in this; the shopping public is as much responsible for these increasingly early openings by doing exactly what the retail giants want you to do: turn out by the thousands at the crack of dawn or earlier to spend spend spend.

“But the bargains,” you might say, “the bargains!”

Which is important why, exactly? Are you really saving money? Or is this a case of fuzzy consumer math wherein you drop $500 on a lot of junk — more than you planned on spending on Christmas gifts — but instead focus like a laser on the $50 you didn’t spend because everything was on sale and think you’ve somehow come out ahead? And do you really think that giving someone a less expensive, elaborate gift somehow diminishes the emotions behind the act of gift-giving?

Besides which, A) a lot of the best bargains are going to be scooped up before you even get in the door, and you know it, and B) there are going to be a LOT more sales in the coming four weeks that are just as good, so why not spare yourself the headache of standing outside a store in the freezing cold for several hours?

Now, a few friends have made the argument to me that with the economy still on shaky legs, the public kind of needs to go crazy on spending. Christmas shopping equals economic stimulus, they say, and a lot of retailers are adding seasonal jobs to handle the mad rush (700,000 temp retail jobs according to Forbes).

Okay, valid point, but that argument only goes so far. First of all, yes, any work is better than no work for those who need it, but there is only so much salvation to be found in a part-time minimum wage gig with no benefits that will maybe last until January.

Also, remember that these are national retailers we’re talking about, and a lot of that revenue is going to funnel up to the upper echelons of corporate leadership before it turns into job creation at the rank-and-file level.

You want to have a real impact on the economy? Shop locally.

Yes, I’m one of those.

As I’ve stated here before, small businesses, not large corporations, are the true backbone of the American economy. The US Small Business Administration found that of the approximately 27 million businesses operating in the U.S., 78 percent of them have fewer than 10 employees, and 61 percent have fewer than five — and, collectively, community-based small businesses have generated 64 percent of all new jobs created within the past 15 years.

Add to that the fact that, according to various studies, much more money remains in the local economy if it is spent at a local business than if it goes to a national chain. One sponsored by Local First, “Local Works! Examining the Impact of Local Business on the West Michigan Economy” (2008), stated that $68 out of every $100 spent at a local business remains in the community versus $43 out of every $100 spent at a business that is not locally owned.

Added bonus of shopping at a small business: the owners are going to sleep in on Friday, so you can too.

American Express a few years ago launched the Small Business Saturday initiative to spotlight the value and importance of shopping locally, and in that spirit I’m going to plug a few small businesses I think readers should check out:

Coffee Obsession (Falmouth): While I am a dedicated Starbucks junkie, Coffee O deserves your love. Grab a gift card or a pound of ground coffee or one of the many funky coffee makers they have on sale.

Cupcake Charlie’s (Mashpee and Plymouth): My tongue is sad that I don’t get to Cupcake Charlie’s as often as I do, but my waistline is grateful it’s a rare treat — but it is absolutely a treat. I dig the Peanut Butter Pleasure, but if you ever have a chance to snag the Ginger Snap cupcake, DO IT. Get a gift card or buy some cupcakes for your holiday party.

Peking Palace and Paul’s Pizza (Falmouth): Respectively the best Chinese food and pizza in town. Gift certificates for everyone!

Geeky and Cheeky: My friend Jess runs this business, which makes fun handmade dolls and puppets for all ages, including the nerdy adults in your life. She does custom work as well!

Richard Maclone Photography (Falmouth): You might know him as the Enterprise’s sports editor, but my buddy Rich is also a crack portrait and wedding photographer (he did a fantastic job at my wedding).

And now, the self-serving portion of the post…

Enterprise Newspapers (Barnstable, Bourne, Falmouth, Mashpee, Sandwich): Buy a gift subscription for a family member or a friend. Keep them well-informed of what’s going on in their town and keep me in coffee and cupcakes.

Storied Threads: My wife’s endeavor, which caters heavily to the geek crowd in the form of embroidered patches, bags, scarves, and period clothing and accessories.

Do you have a favorite locally owned small business you want to highlight? Go ahead and post a link!

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