Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

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The Importometer Reading For November 9, 2012

Friday, November 9th, 2012

10 ) President Obama gets four more years! Look at it this way, Romney supporters: if he’d won, in two weeks he’d just be trashing Americans as part of his newly launched campaign to become prime minister of Canada.

9 ) Winter Storm Athena hits the northeast. If we’re going for a god motif with storm names now, I personally cannot wait for Winter Storms Cthulhu, Tiamat, and Quetzalcoatl.

8 ) Elizabeth Warren becomes the state’s first-ever female US Senator, and it saddens me I actually had to write that sentence.

7 ) Mary Pat Flynn and Sheila Lyons are returned to the Barnstable County Board of County Commissioners, winning five towns and nine towns respectively. Couple that with wins by Julia Taylor and Suzanne McAuliffe for the Assembly of Delegates and, well, for their detractors this equals one Very Ouchie Win.

6 ) Disney buys LucasFilm and plans a new Star Wars trilogy. This one will use a lot of animatronic characters,thus guaranteeing they will emote more convincingly than Hayden Christensen.

5 ) Skyfall, the new James Bond film, opens to rave reviews. I don’t know, I don’t think anything can beat Bond skydiving with the queen, but we’ll see.

4 ) Rumors that Diane Sawyer was drunk during ABC’s election coverage swirl. Hey, if I’d been covering the presidential election all year, I’d want to get hammered too.

3 ) Donald Trump freaks out over Twitter after Obama’s win, calling the electoral process “a travesty.” Freaks out? I meant to say pulling hair off.

2 ) Mark Wahlberg agrees to star in Transformers 4, figuring that after The Happening, if he’s going to do a crap movie he might as well make a ton of money for it.

1 ) Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart remain elusive about their relationship status as they promote the last Twilight film. I wish the movie would be as elusive.

The Post-Election Logic Twist

Thursday, November 8th, 2012

It’s always amusing to watch media pundits rationalize the hell out of a loss, but what’s even more entertaining is watching members of the general public play fast and loose with the data.

To wit: in the wake of the three-way race for the Barnstable County Board of County Commissioners, a self-styled “citizen activist” (I won’t play to his ego by naming him here, but most people in county government know who this particular individual is) posted this curious analysis of the results, which had incumbents Mary Pat Flynn and Sheila Lyons winning over Eric Steinhilber (splitting the vote, respectively, by 37, 33, and 30 percent):

The following is merely an observation of fact by one Cape Cod voter regarding the November 6th Barnstable County Commissioner election. In four of Cape Cod’s major municipalities, the challenger, Eric Steinhilber received substantially more votes for Barnstable County Commissioner than the incumbent County Commissioner, Sheila Lyons. Those towns were Barnstable (the Cape’s largest town), Bourne, Mashpee and Sandwich. In essence, these election results translate into a significant VOTE OF NO CONFIDENCE in the failed and weak leadership-style so clearly exhibited by Ms. Lyons during the last four years of her regional government tenure.

To recap: in a 15-town race, placing third in four “major municipalities” equals a harsh damnation of a candidate’s ability to do her job.

Well, let’s take a look at the Cape-wide results in full context. The following chart is from Globe.com, with color-coding added by Snark-Infested Waters, with green indicating a first-place finish, yellow second place, and red third place.

So yes, it is true Ms. Lyons finished third in four towns. It is also true she finished first in nine towns.

It is also true that Mr. Steinhilber, our citizen activist’s preferred candidate, finished third in 10 towns — and lost some of those towns by several hundred votes compared to both the first and second place finishers. So if losing four towns is a grim statement on Ms. Lyons’ capabilities as an elected officials, then losing 10 must surely by a scathing condemnation of Mr. Steinhilber’s potential in that same role.

But the point is not to extol one candidate or lambaste another (I frankly don’t care who wins these races, so long as they return my phone calls). The point is to illustrate how anyone can take information and, with some selective omission and creative interpretation, present it as evidence to support a shaky base argument.

We’re seeing a lot of that going on at the national level too, with the Fox News talking heads trying their damnedest to explain how Barack Obama did not “really” win the election, and bitter Romney supporters predicting with an air of doom and gloom and no small amount of perverted glee how the next four years will turn America into a hellscape of broken dreams.

The races are over, folks, and the winners have been chosen. Crying and whining over coming out on the losing side of history, whether it’s the presidency or a race in your own back yard, is not going to solve the problems these elected officials must now tackle, and you’re not making things easier by playing cheerleader for failure, just so you can four years from now crow “I told you so.” That self-absorbed, self-righteous, defeatist attitude will do much more to sabotage our success than anything the people in power will do.

Just ask the Republicans who lost the presidency.

The Importometer Reading For October 26, 2012

Friday, October 26th, 2012

10 ) Obama and Romney hold their last debate. Hooray! Now we’ll never have to deal with another head-to-head competition between them every again! Ever!

9 ) Hurricane Sandy is coming! Or not. Or maybe. I dunno. Maybe this helpful map will –

Ugh. Never mind.

8 ) Obama catches flack for referring, offhandedly, to Romney as a “bullsh*tter” in a Rolling Stone interview. I think what he meant to call Romney is a pandering, self-serving, two-faced bullsh*tter.”

7 ) The trailer for Iron Man 3 drops. Nerdgasm!

6 ) Meteorologists can in a preemptive tizzy over Hurricane Sandy, predicting it could whomp New England next week. Hey, whatever, man, I’m on vacation. Let ‘er rip!

5 ) Items belonging to Curt Schilling hit the auction block to pay off his 38 Studios debt. Among the items, his business plan, which reads, “1) Start company using state funds; 2) Make a game; 3) Profit.”

4 ) The Wachowski siblings’ new three-hour epic Cloud Atlas gets middling reviews, continuing the duo’s career plummet. I think they’re in a support group now with M. Night Shyamalan.

3 ) Aging rocker Meat Loaf offers up an incoherent, weather-analogy-laden endorsement of Mitt Romney, making this his worst decision since agreeing to star in Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne.

2 ) Taylor Swift calls it quits with Conor Kennedy. Not because they were having problems, but Taylor needed new material for her next album.

1 ) Donald Trump promises a bombshell announcement that would cripple Obama’s campaign…and then offers to donate $5 million to charity if the president releases all his college and passport data. How about this: Obama will release those documents as soon as Romney releases his tax returns.

The Importometer Reading For October 19, 2012

Friday, October 19th, 2012

10 ) Barack Obama debates Mitt Romney. By which I mean, Obama actually debated Romney, which in and of itself is a marked improvement over the previous debate.

9 ) Ann Romney announces on The View that if Mitt loses the race, he’s retiring from politics. C’mon, people, how many more reasons to vote for Obama do you need?!

8 ) The Boy Scouts of America release long-secret “perversion files” detailing a history of sexual abuse within the organization. But yes, let’s keep gay scouts out, because they might lower the tone.

7 ) A Hyannis man with two jobs, who recently got dumped, wins $32 million. Sometimes the right people do win these things.

6 ) Thanks to Romney, a group of women is now referred to as “a binder.” You’re welcome, ladies.

5 ) TV offers up some primo Halloween programming with the returns of The Walking Dead and American Horror Story…although neither show is as scary as some of the political ads I’ve been seeing.

4 ) Joaquin Phoenix calls the Oscars “stupid.” Hey, man, they’re not stupid! Just boring as hell.

3 ) Director Michael Bay blasts actor Hugo Weaving after he says he only did voice work on the Transformers films for the money rather than artistic satisfaction. Bay then looked up the phrase “artistic satisfaction” because it was such an utterly unfamiliar term.

2 ) Hulk Hogan fights the release of a sex tape so the public can’t discover that the only 24-inch python he has is his right biceps. (If you don’t get this joke, go ask a wrestling fan.)

1 ) Ashton Kutcher displaces Charlie Sheen as the highest-paid TV star. Now who’s winning, Charlie?

The Importometer Reading For October 12, 2012

Monday, October 15th, 2012

10 ) Joe Biden and Paul Ryan beat each other bloody during their debate. Well, not really, but at this point, wouldn’t that be far better than what we’ve been seeing so far?

9 ) An Australian daredevil plummets 24 miles and breaks the sound barrier in nothing but a protective suit. SCIENCE, baby!

8 ) Springfield is chosen for the site of a proposed casino. Wait, didn’t Mr. Burns already build one there?

7 ) The negative ad onslaught continues in the Warren/Brown race. Could we maybe write-in Ted Kennedy’s corpse? He might not get as much done as he used to, but at least we won’t say anything bad about anyone.

6 ) New England Patriot Brandon Spikes makes what some are calling a homophobic tweet. Quick, Gronk! Pose for another picture with a porn star!

5 ) Bam Margera of MTV’s epic waste of time Jackass posts a picture of himself holding a gun to a puppy’s head. And yet, people are surprised that a man who appears on Jackass would do something incredibly stupid.

4 ) A casino deal between the state and the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe gets rejected by the feds because it’s too lucrative for Massachusetts. Since when does the government refuse to soak a money engine? Did I miss something?

3 ) Cape Wind is hit with another lawsuit, this time by lawyers who claim the wind farm will impede their ability to take out their yachts that they bought with all the legal fees they’ve collected filing lawsuits against Cape Wind.

2 ) The Rolling Stones release their first new single in seven years. It’s three and a half minutes of the band complaining to themselves to turn down that damned noise and play some nice music.

1 ) A man dies after winning a contest to win a pet snake, a contest that had the participants trying to eat the most bugs. And the 2012 Darwin Award goes to…

The Importometer Reading For October 5, 2012

Friday, October 5th, 2012

Sorry, folks, I had a busy week last week and couldn’t get to the Importometer, but we’re back and ready to sass.

10 ) Barack Obama and Mitt Romney throw down for the first time. Could someone kindly remind the president to get a nap in BEFORE the debate so he doesn’t nod off DURING the debate.

9 ) US Senator Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren get snippy with each other during their most recent debate. Guess that promise of theirs not to run negative only applies to their ad campaigns. Oh, wait…

8 ) Convicted and suspected criminals start returning to the streets in the wake of the state crime lab scandal. Man, this never happens on CSI.

7 ) Neil Degrasse Tyson refutes the effectiveness of Romney’s proposal to slash PBS funding, comparing it to deleting a few text files from  500 GB hard drive. Say, Neil, you may need to dumb that down a little more so Mitt can understand it…so he can later reverse his position on it.

6 ) Baltimore Ravens center Matt Birk, in an op-ed piece decrying same-sex marriage, remarks: “People who are simply acknowledging the basic reality of marriage between one man and one woman are being labeled as “bigots” and “homophobic.” Aren’t we past that as a society?” Apparently not…nor are we past trying to pass off homophobia as a religious right as a society.

5 ) Bristol Palin declares that her mom Sarah is “way hotter” than Julianne Moore, who portrayed the former Alaska governor in an HBO movie. That’s debatable, but Moore is definitely smarter than Palin. I mean, she knows the nonsense she’s spewing is total B.S. and doesn’t believe a word of it.

4 ) Nicki Minaj threatens to shoot Mariah Carey following a disagreement on American Idol. Where was Nicki when Simon was still on the show?

3 ) The Barnstable County commissioners unveil their master plan to raze Cape Cod by fire, construct a region-wide sewer made of yellow-cake uranium pipes, and force residents to pay for it all through mandatory donations of blood, redundant organs, and first-born children. Or so the wackadoo rumor mill might have one believe — and hey, it’s not like anonymous e-mails have ever presented false information as fact! Amirite?

2 ) Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane is tapped to host the Oscars. Expect him to come armed with an unfunny joke referencing a 1980s-era pop culture icon that he’ll repeat a dozen times after it stops being funny.

1 ) Anne Hathaway marries. Nuts, another one I let slip through my fingers.

The Week In Politics – September 14, 2012

Friday, September 14th, 2012

All right, folks, we’ve had a week to let the dust settle, so let’s see who survived Primary Election Day.

From the “I Called It” file: I remarked last week that the race between Republican Congressional candidates Adam G. Chaprales and Christopher Sheldon would be close, but I had no idea the race would end with fewer than 50 votes separating the two; the final tally was 11,019 votes for Mr. Chaprales, 10,980 for Mr. Sheldon.

But wait! In a shocking last-minute twist, the Massachusetts Secretary of the Commonwealth’s Office announced Tuesday that Mr. Sheldon was in fact the winner by 79 votes. Mr. Chaprales conceded the race Tuesday, leaving Mr. Sheldon to focus on Congressman William R. Keating (D), who handily defeated C. Samuel Sutter, Bristol County’s district attorney.

Mr. Sutter simply did not present a well-fleshed-out platform. Most of what he said during the campaign was framed as a criticism of Rep. Keating rather than a sales pitch for himself.

From the “Missed It By That Much” file: Brian C. Mannal scored what everyone (myself included) is calling an upset primary victory over State Representative Demetrius J. Atsalis (D – Barnstable). I thought Mr. Mannal would lose this race — as did the candidate himself as evidenced by remarks he made to the media after the election — but he instead won with 56 percent of the vote in the Second Barnstable District.

I predicted a Mannal loss because, not unlike the Keating/Sutter race, the challenger focused more on tearing Atsalis down than he did on building himself up. Petty carping over quasi-issues like endorsements and attendance records made Mr. Mannal appear more like a man running to take down Rep. Atsalis and less like someone running to act as a champion for his potential constituents.

So why did Mr. Mannal win? My theory is that years of running against ho-hum opponents made Rep. Atsalis complacent and he did not take the race as seriously as her perhaps should have.

Regardless of the reason, Mr. Mannal now belongs to the “Free Ride to Re-Election Club” that also includes State Senator Daniel A. Wolf (D – Harwich) and State Representatives Timothy R. Madden (D – Nantucket), Cleon H. Turner (D – Dennis), and David T. Vieira (R – Falmouth).

Then there is the item from the “Never Expected That!” file: the Democratic primary for governor’s council of the first district ended in a statistical three-way tie between Nicholas D. Bernier of Fall River, Oliver P. Cipollini Jr. of Marstons Mills, and Walter D. Moniz of New Bedford.

In terms of ballots cast, Mr. Cipollini, a three-time candidate for the post, received 142 votes more than Mr. Bernier, who announced Monday he would seek a recount.

We’re now set up for a repeat of the 2010 general election race that pitted brother against brother: Oliver Cipollini against Charles O. Cipollini, the incumbent.

This time, however, Charles may forgo the pretense of a campaign he waged in 2010, when he actively encouraged voters to support his brother. Charles has indicated that he might simply drop out of the race and hand the job over to Oliver.

For two candidates who liked to talk about restoring integrity in politics, they’re showing an appalling lack of integrity in so shamelessly conspiring to get Oliver into office.

***

Daniel Botelho, non-party candidate for Congress, has a new campaign website up at www.danielbotelhoforcongress.com. It’s a solid improvement over the previous iteration, so go check it out.

***

State Representative Randy Hunt (R – Sandwich) invites the public to his next fundraiser, the “ ‘Slice & Ice’ Golf Outing and 19th Hole Social” on Monday, September 17. That will be held at the Ridge Club in Sandwich starting at noon with warm-ups and a bag lunch, followed by a 1 PM shotgun start.

The cost to attend is $150 per player for the entire day or $75 per person for the after-tourney social, which starts at 5 PM. Go to www.electrandyhunt.com/events.html for further details and to register.

Political news and announcements may be e-mailed to Michael Bailey, senior political reporter, at bailey@capenews.net.

The Importometer Reading For September 1, 2012

Friday, September 7th, 2012

10 ) Barack Obama accepts the Democratic nomination for president. Whew! It was touch-and-go for him for a while.

9 ) Governor Deval Patrick tells Democrats to “grow a backbone.” Luckily for the Dems, that’s covered by ObamaCare.

8 ) Adam Chaprales and Christopher Sheldon head into recount territory as their Congressional race ends in a virtual tie, as does the Democratic race for governor’s council. There’s a sentence I never expected to write.

7 ) Brian Mannal upsets incumbent state rep Demetrius Atsalis, admits he did not expect to actually win. That makes two of us.

6 ) Actor Michael Clark Duncan dies. If only that guy from “The Green Mile” was around…

5 ) Clint Eastwood has a discussion with an imaginary Barack Obama at the GOP National Convention. Funny thing is, Pretend Obama still has more substance than Real Mitt Romney.

4 ) The Boston University hockey program comes under fire amidst stories of a “culture of sexual entitlement.” Who do these guys think they are? Professional football players?

3 ) Ben Affleck starts earning Oscar buzz for Argo. But, wait, he ACTS in that movie. That can’t be right…

2 ) UK boy band One Direction wins big at the MTV Music Video Awards, Oh, well, I guess their long-term success is virtually guaranteed now!

1 ) Selena Gomez prepares to “shock” her fan base and break out of her good-girl imagine by starring in a racy spring break film. If she’s anything like Lindsay or Miley, it’ll probably be a documentary.

The Importometer Reading For August 31, 2012

Friday, August 31st, 2012

10 ) Hurricane Isaac disrupts the GOP National Convention. Pat Robertson remarks, “Eh, it’s just a coincidence.”

9 ) Mitt Romney, in typical fashion, flip-flops and decides he doesn’t really want his party’s formal nomination.

8 ) Neil Armstrong dies. Confused Green Day fans take to Facebook and Twitter to mourn the loss of the band’s frontman (and dear god, I wish I was joking about that).

7 ) Fox News calls out Paul Ryan about the many falsehoods in his GOP convention speech. Yes, you read that right: Fox News outed a lying Republican. I know, doesn’t make sense to me either.

6 ) A Texas court throws out a voter ID law. Texas! Where the men are men, the women are women, and the Republicans are suddenly a lot more nervous!

5 ) Famous-for-nothing-but-being-on-the-Internet Courtney Stodden turns 18 and immediate starts receiving offers to do porn…much to the dismay of her husband of two years, 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchinson. Yes, you read all of that correctly. Come back when you’re done crying.

4 ) MTV announces it will end production on The Jersey Shore after its sixth season. Fans of good taste rejoice.

3 ) Superman starts dating Wonder Woman in the new issue of Justice League. Brangelina is demoted to number two most beautiful power couple in the world.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan, a suspect in a major jewelry theft, claims she is being framed. Despite her many problems, she’s still a great actress; I totally believed her when she claimed she was innocent.

1 ) Snooki has a panic moment when her baby is born with a natural skin tone.

Importometer Reading For August 24, 2012

Friday, August 24th, 2012

10 ) Republican Congressman Todd Akin reveals his shocking lack of knowledge of the female reproductive system by declaring that victims of “legitimate rape” rarely got pregnant because their bodies would block embryo implantation. Akin got this information from several reputable doctors, including Victor von Doom, Douglas Evil, Anton Phibes, and Lester Verde Bong.

9 ) On a related note: after several prominent Republicans condemn Akin and pull both support and funding from his US Senate campaign, the GOP unveils a harshly anti-abortion platform for the election. Wow, they just do not pay attention to themselves, do they?

8 ) A New Hampshire GOP candidate for county sheriff backpedals furiously after advocating the use of deadly force to stop someone from getting an abortion. Cognitive dissonance is apparently as much a part of the Republican platform as crushing women’s rights.

7 ) Cape Wind announces it will base its operations and maintenance facility in Falmouth the same week the Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound announces it is yet again appealing a positive finding by the FAA. That’s kind of like a bridesmaid showing up to her friend’s wedding in the same dress.

6 ) Lance Armstrong refuses to fight accusations of doping, a move that costs him his seven Tour de France titles and earns him a lifetime ban from professional cycling. Cancer? Easy fight. Allegedly false accusations? Eh, screw it.

5) Director Tony Scott commits suicide by jumping off a bridge. Phyllis Diller dies of a heart attack. Dammit, Betty White, stay alive!

4 ) Curt Schilling, still smarting over the failure of his video game company, calls R.I. Governor Lincoln Chafee a “dunce of epic proportions.” I agree. Chafee should haven never given Schilling money in the first place.

3 ) Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s killer, is once again denied parole. Paul and Ringo breathe a sigh of relief.

2 ) Turns out rumors of Taylor Swift buying a home in Hyannis were just that. She’s actually buying Hyannis.

1 ) Prince Harry is photographed au naturale in Las Vegas. Let’s just assume I made a joke about the Crown Jewels and move on.

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