Archive for the ‘National issues’ Category

10 ) Mitt Romney chooses Ryan Paul as his running mate. Ryan Paul! The man who loves Ayn Rand…who was, unlike Ryan, pro-choice…a fact that endears him to the Catholic church…which disapproves of his shoddy treatment of the poor. Oh man, this is going to be fun!

9 ) Miley Cyrus gets a new haircut. Wait a minute, that shouldn’t be this high up. Hold on…

8 ) Joe Biden tells a mostly African-American group that Romney’s economic policy would put them back in chains. Man, grandpa says the craziest things in his old age…

7 ) Democratic and GOP candidates for the Ninth Congressional District square off in back-to-back debates, and the Republicans prove much more cordial to one another than their Democratic contemporaries. Don’t suppose we could just pick between the two nice Republicans, huh?

6 ) Aly Raisman returns to Massachusetts, medals in hand. Young girls are amazed that they can so admire a woman with a definable talent who has actually done something to earn her fame (*coughKardashianFamilycough*).

5 ) Taylor Swift buys a home in Hyannis near the Kennedy compound. No offense to Ms. Swift, but it was much cooler seeing Arnold walking down Main Street.

4 ) Whitney Houston’s last film “Sparkle” receives tepid early reviews. You know what they say: dying is easy; theater is hard.

3 ) Former porn star Jenna Jameson pleads guilty to DWI. If you want to hear the many many off-color jokes I cannot use here, e-mail me.

2 ) Robert Pattinson makes first media appearance since his split with Kristen Stewart, who lashes out at the same media for painting her as a cheater but not the man she cheated with. Looks like R-Patz isn’t the only one who needs a publicist.

1 ) Miley Cyrus gets a new haircut. Yeah, that’s where this belongs MAINSTREAM ENTERTAINMENT MEDIA. Jeez. I know it’s your job to peddle trivial B.S. to brainless twits, but come on…

10 ) Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are in a virtual dead heat in national polls. Well, nice to see all that negative campaigning is working; America doesn’t like either of them.

9 ) George Zimmerman claims his shooting of Trayvon Martin was “God’s plan.” God replies, “Don’t pin this on me, douchebag.”

8 ) Mitt Romney demands an apology from the Obama camp over its constant skepticism of Romney’s time at Bain Capital. Sorry, Mittens, if Obama can deal with three-plus years of birther B.S., you can endure a couple weeks of scrutiny over your business record. Speaking of that…

7 ) Rush Limbaugh claims that Bane, the villain of the new The Dark Knight Rises, is in fact a thinly veiled slam against Mitt Romney. If that’s so, why is the insanely wealthy Bruce Wayne fighting against him? Shouldn’t they be teaming up to take down that liberal hippie Green Arrow.

6 ) Lobster prices plunge due to a market glut. Who’d've ever thought we could have an over-abundance of sea cockroach?

5 ) Ticket holders to a canceled 1979 The Who concert will get a refund.Sure, that’s SO much better than seeing the entire band in their prime.

4 ) Glee gets snubbed by the Emmys. Is it really a snub if an awards ceremony for excellence in television ignores a show because it’s not good anymore?

3 ) Ikea announces it will start selling its own brand of beer. In true Ikea tradition, they will forget to put alcohol in one out of every six cans.

2 ) Fred Willard is arrested for lewd conduct at an adult movie theater. He was heard to remark, “Wha hoppen?”*

1 ) Tabloids got crazy speculating about what happened between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes…and I mean jumping-on-Oprah’s-couch crazy.

* If you ever saw Waiting for Guffman, this joke is hysterical. I think it was Waiting For Guffman. Maybe it was A Mighty Wind. I don’t know, Fred plays the same character in everything he’s in.

10 ) Governor Deval Patrick vetoes a common-sense EBT card reform measure that would ban the use of state welfare for things like booze, lottery, bail, and tattoos.

9 ) Arizona Governor Jan Brewer asks the Supreme Court to overturn a state court’s ruling that state employees with a same-sex partner may continue to receive health benefits. But hey, it’s a dry hate.

8 ) Massachusetts voters will this November vote on proposals pertaining to medical marijuana and self-induced euthanasia. (Mental note: start new business, call it “Stoned to Death”)

7 ) 20 million DirectTV viewers lose two dozen Viacom-owned channels after the two corporations fail to come to an agreement of licensing fees. But hey, sports! Still lots of sports programming! You still have, like, twelve ESPNs to choose from!

6 ) Ernest Borgnine dies at age 95. Strangely, sales of “McHale’s Navy” and “The Black Hole” on DVD do not spike.

5 ) Twilight fans rally round a fellow fan who was struck and killed by a car at ComiCon. The vigil is expected to last three days, after which point they’ll know she’s not coming back as a vampire.

4 ) A Franklin man skips out on a court date so he can appear on Today. Fortunately, no one saw the show to prove he was there instead of in court.

3 ) He-Man celebrates his 30th anniversary by swearing to lay off the steroids.

2 ) The producers of The Hunger Games films announce that the third book, Mockingjay, will be presented as two movies. Look, you jerks, if Peter Jackson could fit Return of the King into a single movie…

1 ) A proposed biopic of guitar legend Jimi Hendrix will go forward without any Hendrix music after the late musician’s family denies the music rights to producers. Next up, a film about Rocky Marciano with no boxing, a film about Dale Earnhardt with no cars, and a movie about Lawrence Olivier with no acting.

10 ) In the wake of last week’s Supreme Court decision on Obamacare, Senator Rand Paul declares, “Just because a couple people on the Supreme Court declare something to be Constitutional does not make it so.” Someone needs to remind Sen. Paul what “a couple,” “Supreme Court,” and “Constitutional” mean.

9 ) A Florida lifeguard is fired for saving a swimmer who was outside his designated patrol area. He deserves it, frankly. Who puts a person’s welfare ahead of corporate loyalty anyway? America-haters, that’s who!

8 ) Mitt Romney flip-flops again, calling the health care mandate fee a tax after he previously insisted it wasn’t. At the rate he’s going, I’m expecting Mitt will have morphed into a black lesbian by the end of the campaign.

7 ) Occupy Boston is encouraging T riders to protest the recent fare hikes and service cuts by fare-jumping. What better way to protest increased fares by robbing the MBTA of more revenue — which could prompt them to increase the security presence, which will cost more money. Brilliant plan!

6 ) Anderson Cooper comes out of closet, proclaiming himself “gay and proud”…and a little miffed because the story was broken by Wolf Blitzer.

5 ) Andy Griffith passes away at the age of 86. I think whistling his funeral dirge might somehow undermine the mood.

4 ) “The Amazing Spider-Man” sets a July 4 box office record, and sends the message to Hollywood it’s never to early to reboot a franchise. Peter Jackson is already hard at work doing a new version of “The Hobbit,” which will premiere six months after his current version debuts in December.

3 ) Katie Holmes announces she is divorcing Tom Cruise. What? A Hollywood marriage is ending? Who saw that one coming?

2 ) David Ortiz says he feels “humiliated” that the Red Sox only offered him a one-year contract at $14.57 million — a $2 million raise from his salary last year. He mourned this indignity by consuming a case of Cristal in his gold-plated bathtub in house number three.

1 ) Apple plans to release a smaller version of its iPad. The working name is “Seriously, It’s Not Just an iPhone We’ve Re-Branded.”

10 ) The US Supreme Court upholds Obamacare. In unrelated news, staffers talk Mitt Romney off a ledge. Why he went out there, I guess one can only speculate.

9 ) Nabisco draws the ire of homophobes everywhere with its “gay pride Oreo” promo image and threaten a boycott. Good! More Oreos for those who deserve them.

8 ) President Obama gets booed as his own fundraiser in Massachusetts after praising the Kevin Youkilis trade. Guess who just became a swing state?

7 ) The MBTA proposes raising money by selling off naming rights to its T stations. Good thing Lechmere went out of business or things could get REALLY confusing.

6 ) Pundits speculate whether the heroine of the new Pixar film Brave is a lesbian because she doesn’t want to get married and likes physical activities. That’s our standard for spotting lesbians now? I guess it’s a step up from the Birkenstock-and-Indigo Girls stereotype.

5 ) Former gubernatorial candidate Christy Mihos blows off a court hearing on domestic abuse charges. His lawyer claims his estranged wife is trying to gain leverage in divorce proceedings, but come on…it’s not like Christy has money anymore.

4 ) A Libertarian blogger holds a profanity-heavy rally in Middleboro to protest the town’s anti-swearing bylaw, thus proving that freedom of speech has a price. In this case it’s allowing an unfocused doofus to defend the right to free speech in the most clumsy and unconvincing way possible.

3 ) James Cameron announces that he will film three Avatar sequels back-to-back. It was the most efficient way to cater to his titanic ego*.

2 ) Ann Curry is officially ousted from the Today show, making way for a new female co-host who STILL won’t be as interesting as Katie Couric (who wasn’t as interesting as Jane Pauley).

1 ) Charlie Sheen announces that after his new series Anger Management ends, he’s leaving Hollywood. I hear he’s actually being muscled out by Lindsay Lohan so she can assert her position as the industry’s top alcoholic drug-addled imploding former big star who’s squandering her talent.

* = See what I did there?

10 ) Michigan State Rep. Lisa Brown is silenced by her peers after using the word “vagina” during a discussion on abortion bills. It appears the Michigan House is a bunch of — well, in the name of decency I won’t use the word I want to, but here’s a hint: it’s a synonym for “vagina.”

9 ) Republicans accuse President Obama of pandering to Latino voters by pushing for immigration reform. Meanwhile, the Democrats accuse Mitt Romney of pandering to everyone by dodging a question on whether he’d repeal such an act. Girls, girls, stop fighting! You’re BOTH sucking up to the electorate!

8 ) Speaking of Der Mittster, Romney name-drops and says he’s looking at Florida Senator Marco Rubio as a running mate…no doubt in an effort to win support among voters who like to screw up elections.

7 ) US Senator Scott Brown agrees to debate Elizabeth Warren…only if MSNBC is frozen out of the broadcast and Victoria Kennedy withholds an endorsement of Warren. Warren, meanwhile, agreed to participate only if Brown mans up and stops acting like a total synonym for vagina.

6 ) The Attorney General’s Office puts the brakes on Middleboro’s anti-obscenity bylaw until it can determine if the bylaw is in fact constitutional. Meanwhile, people will just have to deal with profanity the old fashioned way: sticking their fingers in their ears and shouting “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU LA LA LA!”

5 ) The mayor of Cambridge considers banning the sale of super-sized sodas to fight obesity. You know what else causes obesity? Bad decisions and a lack of self-control. Maybe Cambridge should ban those too.

4 ) Video game Lara Croft gets a controversial reboot that includes an implied sexual assault attempt in her backstory. But hey, they made her chest smaller, so that’s a step in the right direction, right?

3 ) Massachusetts residents suffer a strange case of mass amnesia and completely forget that just a few months ago, they were complaining about how cold it was.

2 ) Alec Baldwin has another hissy fit, this time on a photographer. I swear, he does this stuff just so he has new material for his next visit to Saturday Night Live.

1 ) Advance reviews aren’t looking so hot for the history/horror mash-up film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Maybe Rutherford B. Hayes: Mermaid Slaughterer will fare better.

10 ) Catherine Greig immediately appeals eight-year prison sentence. The courts have advised her that her paperwork has gone missing, but they expect it to turn up in California in about 16 years.

9 ) The voters of Taunton approve a casino for the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe. Yeah, good luck to you, Taunton. I’m sure you won’t get burned like Middleboro did. Speaking of Middleboro…

8 ) Middleboro institutes fines for swearing in public. Middleboro, this one’s for you:

7 ) The American Humanist Association plans to appeal a court ruling that keeps “under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance in a Massachusetts school district, thus proving atheists can also be myopic self-centered twits.

6 ) More than 30 years after the infamous incident, an Australian coroner determines that a dingo really did take Lindy Chamberlain-Creighton’s baby.

5 ) Falmouth High School seniors receive their diplomas but no invocation at their commencement ceremony. Amazingly, many of them will nevertheless go on to have happy, successful lives.

4 ) The Boston Herald freaks the hell out of website visitors by posting, openly and with no warnings, a picture of the Florida man who had much his face eaten off. It’s a sad day when the Boston Herald lacks tact and good taste.

3 ) A Falmouth woman gets arrested after approaching an unmarked police car she thought belonged to the drug dealers she planned to buy heroin from (allegedly). That’s why they call it dope indeed.

2 ) Burger King kills the bacon craze by announcing the debut of a bacon sundae. Speaking of ruining things I like…

1 ) Octomom Nadya Suleman draws a paycheck by participating in a “celebrity pillow fight” with a Philadelphia morning radio show host. I don’t know what makes me madder: the misuse of the term “celebrity” or the fact this will forever ruin for me the sexy pillow fight fantasy.

EDIT 6/26: Due to excessive spamming, the comments function for this entry has been turned off. E-mail me if you’re compelled to gripe about something posted here.