Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

10 ) The case builds against the surviving Boston Marathon bomber. So do the insane conspiracy theories, which makes one wonder, who is the real lunatic here?

9 ) The special primary election to fill John Kerry’s US Senate seat is Tuesday, and then it’s only another two months or so of caustic political ads. Oh, joy.

8 ) Fox News talking heads rationalize denying the Boston bomber suspect every possible right under the Constitution. I wonder how they would have reacted if he’d just shot up the Marathon?

7 ) The media demands the state release the bombing suspect’s state assistance records. I sense partisan agenda-driven pseudo-logical saber-rattling on the horizon!

6 ) Ratings and credibility continue to dwindle for American Idol. This is serious business, people. I think half of our economy is tied up in that show.

5 ) Swedish authorities find drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. If I had to listen to that kid sing for a living, I’d want to be stoned out of my mind too.

4 ) Gwyneth Paltrow is named the most beautiful woman in the world by People magazine. Say, have you ever notice that People’s most beautiful women and sexiest men alive are always actors with a major movie coming out? Ah, I’m sure that’s just coincidence.

3 ) Comedy Central announces Futurama will end its second run this September. Great, another way Futurama will make me cry (the first being the “Jurassic Bark” episode).

2 ) A Buddhist monk takes five people to court for allegedly distributing a private sex tape. A Buddhist sex tape? I’ve heard Buddhists like to become one with things, but come on…

1 ) A North Dakota news anchor blows his big debut by dropping an F-bomb on his first day on the air. That’s the great thing about working in print media: we can swear all we want, repercussion-free.

10 ) The US Supreme Court hears arguments on same-sex marriage, expects to deliver decisions in June. Just in time for wedding season! I think that bodes well.

9 ) A man on the lam following a rape conviction 35 years ago is captured in Maine. All right media, time to start heaping sympathy on the guy for not having a stable home life for more than three decades.

8 ) People raise hell over the “secret” passage of the Monsanto Protection Act and blame the “distraction” of the same-sex marriage debate for letting it slip past everyone. Aha! The gay agenda revealed at last! Homosexuals are in cahoots with Big Genetically Altered Agriculture! It makes so much sense! Oh, wait…no it doesn’t.

7 ) The Pope inflames the ire of Catholic traditionalists for washing the feet of two girls. Look, I’m not Catholic, but it seems ridiculous that such a goofy-sounding ritual is going to be the thing that serves as the final straw for people who think the church is getting too progressive.

6 ) No snow this weekend! No snow this weekend!

5 ) Tom Menino announces he is not going to run for re-election. At least, that’s what the best translations indicate. Either he’s retiring or he was trying to order a pizza.

4 ) Actress Tilda Swinton sleeps in a glass case as part of a Museum of Modern Art display. That means more people will see her in one day than who saw Moonrise Kingdom during its entire theatrical run.

3 ) Harrison Ford plays coy about whether he’s on-board with the next Star Wars movie. Maybe he’s worried he’ll be forced to ride out a Death Star explosion hidden inside a refrigerator.

2 ) Kirsten Dunst admits to Us Magazine that kissing Brad Pitt in Interview With the Vampire was “disgusting.” Look on the bright side: if you’d kissed Tom Cruise he might have proposed to you.

1 ) Justin Bieber’s neighbor claimed the singer assaulted him. He plans to sue for damages and the mental suffering that comes from admitting in public Justin Bieber beat him up.

Abbreviated edition, because I’m down in Virginia for my sister-in-law’s wedding.

5 ) North Korea announces plans to launch a nuclear strike against the U.S., severs ties with South Korea, declares the armistice ending the Korean War nullified, stomps its feet, waves its arms wildly, and screeches hysterically. This is what you get for putting a tantrum-prone kid in charge.

4 ) The Catholic conclave begins. The Boston media seems to think Cardinal Sean O’Malley is a top contender, but my money is on Reverend Jim from Taxi.

3 ) Don’t panic, but Douglas Adams would have been 61 this week.

2 ) E.L. James, author of Fifty Shades of Grey, announces plans to put out a how-to book for aspiring writers. It’s called How to Succeed in the Publishing Business Without Really Trying to Have Talent.

1 ) Justin Timberlake joins the “Five Timers Club” on Saturday Night Live, gets to ask former five-time hosts what the show was like when it was funny.

10 ) An HIV-positive infant is apparently cured following an experimental drug regimen. Point, science. Over to you, religious nutjobs who maintain AIDS is a curse from God on homosexuals.

9 ) The Stock Market reacts to the sequestration cuts with…record highs? Where’s the panic? Where’s the rich man freakout? Oh, right, they don’t care what happens to poor people.

8 ) Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez dies. Sure, he was a dictator, but he still did more to help people in need in the U.S. than all the major oil companies.

7 ) Rand Paul delivers a 13-hour filibuster to block a vote on John Brennan as the new CIA director. If only he could put as much time and effort into actually solving problems.

6 ) Mitt Romney says it’s “killing him” not to be President. Better you than us, Mittens.

5 ) Jon Stewart announces he is taking a break from The Daily Show to direct his first feature film. Hooray! Death to Smoochie 2 at last!

4 ) Taylor Swift rebuts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s jibes from the Golden Globe Awards. Her rebuttal debuted at number five on the Billboard pop chart.

3 ) Former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman returns from a meeting with Kim Jong Un to gush over the dictator on the Sunday news shows. Is it really praise when it comes from Dennis Rodman?

2 ) A group of Australian miners are fired after taking video of themselves doing the “Harlem Shake” in the mine. Their termination was allegedly due to safety reasons, but I think bad judgment in jumping on-board the latest stupid Internet sensation should be in there too.

1 ) Justin Bieber is booed by London fans after he shows up to a concert two hours late. The fans weren’t mad he was late, they were upset that he showed up and would actually have to listen to his music.

10 ) Arkansas stands poised to pass the most restrictive anti-abortion bill in the land, one that bans abortion after only 12 weeks of pregnancy, half the standard defined in Row V. Wade. Yes, because what the world needs are more Arkansans.

9 ) Mississippi finally ratifies the 13th Amendment banning slavery, blames the delay on a clerical error. Congratulations, Mississippi, you have now officially joined the 19th Century.

8 ) Cardinal Sean O’Malley of the Boston Archdiocese emerges as a possible contender for Pope. Way to shake things up there, Vatican.

7 ) More snow hits Massachusetts. Can we go back to whining about how hot it is?

6 ) Fox News irks the pagan community with its shocking lack of knowledge of Wicca. Someone should tell the pagans to stop taking it personally; Fox News is ignorant of just about everything.

5 ) The Massachusetts Legislature contemplates a bill that would require all state documents to be written at a third-grade level. Oh, sorry: men and women in Boston want to make stupid writing okay.

4 ) Mindy McReady commits suicide on the same front porch her boyfriend killed himself. Too bad she’s dead. This would make a great country-western song.

3 ) The Oscars are Sunday. Not the “Academy Awards,” the “Oscars.” Yes, that’s sure to bring in the viewers.

2 ) Oprah Winfrey is recognized at the Essence Awards and remarks there’s nothing better than “being recognized by your own.” Which is why Oprah honors herself every month by slapping her face on the cover of her self-title magazine. And every day by turning on her eponymous TV network (hey, someone has to watch it).

1 ) Megan Fox is cast in Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, making this the first Bay movie with a completely artificial cast.

10 ) SNOWMAGEDDON 2013! See you in April, when the snow finishes melting!

9 ) The Boy Scouts defer a vote to allow gay members and leaders. Scouts may be brave, but their leadership sure isn’t.

8 ) Special Election Mania begins as John Kerry formally leaves his US Senate post. Oh, inflammatory GOP press releases, how I missed you so!

7 ) Rick Santorum declares that homosexuals should not be allowed into the Boy Scouts. Someone should tell Rick that the best way to remain politically relevant is not to embrace perspectives on social issues that are becoming increasingly irrelevant.

6 ) Rapper Chris Brown wants people to stop accusing him of criminal behavior. Chris, we only accuse you because we love you so much, but I swear, baby, we’ll never accuse you again.

5 ) Disney plans to churn out stand-alone films set in the Star Wars universe. They plan to use the money to build an actual Death Star. Sorry — DisneyWorld Low Geosynchronous Orbit.

4 ) The Super Bowl loses power for more than a half-hour. New England responds, “Oh, there was a Super Bowl going on?”

3 ) Katie Couric reveals that Larry King once tried to seduce her. Gee, wonder how she managed to turn down that smoldering hunk of raw sexuality?

2 ) Dick Morris is fired from Fox News. Some speculate that his botched prediction of a Romney landslide victory over Obama was a factor, but come on: if Fox fired everyone who said something stupid and untrue, the place would be a ghost town. Oh, say, there’s a thought…

1 ) Monopoly fans vote to lose the flatiron game piece and replace it with a cat. The piece comes with its own rules: place it on “Go” and yell at it to move; curse loudly when the cat ignores you and stays right where it is.