9 ) The jobless rate in Massachusetts shrinks along with utility rates. Wait…good financial news? There must be some mistake.

8 ) After defaulting on a loan repayment to the state of Rhode Island, Curt Schilling asks the state for more money to keep his video game company afloat. Guess government bailouts aren’t so bad when you’re the one asking for them, huh, Curt?

7 ) Donna Summer dances her last dance and dies at age 63.

6 ) Tom Lynch, interim Barnstable town manager, could get the gig full-time, which would disqualify him from serving on the Barnstable County Assembly of Delegates. That’s like telling Beyonce her solo career disqualifies her from ever singing with Destiny’s Child again.

5 ) A poll reveals that half of all Americans regard Facebook as “a fad.” One hundred percent of Americans then posted links to this poll on their Facebook pages.

4 ) Ron Paul announces he will cease active campaigning…perhaps in the hope it will prove a more successful strategy than his active campaigning.

3 ) Sasha Baron Cohen offends Arab-Americans with his new comedy The Dictator. Look on the bright side: at least he doesn’t wear a mankini and nude wrestle a fat guy.

2 ) Skechers settles its class action lawsuit over its ineffective gimmicky athletic shoes. It plans to cover its payout by asking for Kim Kardashian to repay all the money they gave her to promote something as fakey as she is.

1 ) Jennifer Lopez might leave American Idol, making yet another medium she had semi-conquered and abandoned. Next up: kubuki theater.

9 ) North Carolina takes another step back into the stone age by defining marriage as a union of one man and one woman in its constitution. Fun fact: first cousins can marry in North Carolina — but not double first cousins, meaning cousins born of two sets of siblings in two different families…because, you know, that’d be just gross.

8 ) The federal Secure Communities program will activate in Massachusetts next week, making it tougher for illegal immigrants to stay under the radar and easier for politicians to whip up anti-immigrant rhetoric.

7 ) The Legislature reverses course on a measure that would have banned school bake sales. Parents across the state secretly fume, because now they have no excuse to avoid cranking out eight dozen cupcakes by tomorrow to help out the Boosters Club.

6 ) The chairman of the state gaming commission resigns after old allegations of sexual abuse surface. Well, at least we know now he was familiar with one kind of vice.

5 ) The Parents Television Council (their motto: “If we can’t have fun, no one can!”) rails against the addition of Howard Stern to the judging panel of America’s Got Talent. Before a single episode has aired, which already makes them a worse judge than Howard.

4 ) The Avengers demolishes box office records, taking in $200 million in its first weekend. As a side-effect, it managed to boost the box office take for the floundering John Carter, which was paired with The Avengers in several double-bills. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes indeed.

3 ) Tim Burton “re-imagines” the cult classic soap Dark Shadows as a comedy, unleashing another movie in a career that could itself use a little re-imagining.

2 ) Two masseurs claim they were sexually harassed by John Travolta. Bad move, guys…you caught John during a career downswing. Should have waited for his next comeback film.

1 ) Britney Spears joins the judging panel of The X-Factor. Considering the state of her career, she’d be better off as a contestant.

Not surprisingly, voters are looking at a possible repeat of the 2010 election, when brothers Oliver P. and Charles O. Cipollini, of Marstons Mills and Fall River respectively, ran against each other – by which I mean, they were both candidates and they campaigned, but Charles kept telling voters to support Oliver.

Charles won the election and, like last year, has no primary opponent. Oliver, however, will face off in September against fellow Democrats Walter Moniz of New Bedford and Nicholas D. Bernier of Swansea.

My theory, Cynical Version, is that the general election will come down to Charles and Mr. Bernier, because voters don’t know squat about any of the candidates and will simply vote for whoever appears at the top of the ballot, and “Bernier” comes before “Cipollini.”

My other theory, the Non-Cynical Version, is that Charles will probably square off against Mr. Moniz, who ran in 2010 and got his 2012 campaign ramped up nice and early.

Either way, both those scenarios would better serve the voters than another non-campaign featuring the Not Even Remotely Fighting Cipollini Brothers.

***

The campaign events calendar is looking pretty thin all around, except for Sandwich Republican Thomas F. Keyes, who has a slew of events scheduled for this month and next.

Among the upcoming local events for the state senate candidate: house parties at the homes of Beverly Comeau in Sandwich (May 18), Frank and Andi Keohane in Falmouth (May 30), Ted and Sylvia Wahl in Sandwich (June 3); a reception with Mary Z. Connaughton, former Republican candidate for state auditor, at the Nimrod in Falmouth (June 18); a garage sale (seriously, that’s what it says) at the Sagamore home of Alice Zinkevich (June 23); and a meet-and-greet at Ms. Zinkevich’s home (June 26).

Keep up with Mr. Keyes’ campaign events at www.votekeyes.com/events.

***

Sheila R. Lyons, incumbent Barnstable County Commissioner, is preparing to launch her new campaign website. There’s just a placeholder page there now, but I’ll let you know when the full site is up and running.

One of her opponents, Eric R. Steinhilber, has also launched his campaign website, which already has some content on it.

The third candidate, incumbent Mary L. (Pat) Flynn, does not have a county commissioner-specific website up yet.

Political news and announcements may be e-mailed to Michael Bailey, senior political reporter, at bailey@capenews.net.

9 ) President Obama catches flack for politicizing the death of Osama Bin Laden for campaign purposes. Hey, people, chill. It’s not like he landed on the deck of an aircraft carrier to announce “mission accomplished” on a war that had barely begun.

8 ) Texas sets its sights on Planned Parenthood. Fun fact! Texas has a higher teenager pregnancy rate than the national average. But I’m sure killing Planned Parenthood will fix that up just fine.

7 ) The Middleboro police chief wants to fine people who swear in public. Does the chief know that the term “fascist pig” isn’t a swear word?

6 ) Falmouth Selectman Melissa Freitag chides the media for “controlling the agenda” in response to her decision not to recite the Pledge of Allegiance at a recent meeting. Ironic comment, considering it was her control of the agenda that led to this mess.

5 ) A special county committee prepares its report on the Cape and Vineyard Electric Cooperative — soon to be known by CVEC opponents as “that document that doesn’t accomplish exactly what we wanted it to.”

4 ) A dream home on Nantucket goes up for sale at the cool price of $59 million. Also known as the tax levy on the entire island for the year 2009. Let that one roll around in your brain for a while.

3 ) “The Scream” sells for nearly $120 million. That’s not a scream, that’s a look of complete shock.

2) “Octomom” Nadia Suleman files for bankruptcy and lays out her financial plan for the future, which involves softcore pornography. Sounds like her financial planning is as sound as her family planning.

1 ) A man sues BMW after claiming his motorcycle gave him a chronic erection. BWM motorcycle sales skyrocket.

9 ) Newt Gingrich lets go of his fantasy of a come-from-behind primary victory and bows out of the presidential race. Aw, but Newt, you were SO CLOSE…

8 ) Concorde votes to ban the sale of water in single-serve bottles. Next up: juice boxes…not for environmental reasons, though, just because the juice is TERRIBLE.

7 ) A proposed EBT reform bill would bar recipients from using their taxpayer-funded benefits on things like bail, alcohol, pornography, and the Lottery. It’s called the “No Fun For You Until You Get a Job Act.”

6 ) Falmouth Selectman Melissa Freitag reveals herself to be an America-hating commie pinko by skipping over the ritual symbolic loyalty oath part of Monday’s meeting. Well done, Ms. Freitag…or should I say, COMRADE FREITAG?!

5 ) US Senator Scott Brown lays into Whole Foods for its decision not to carry fish with unsustainable populations, chiding the supermarket chain for “political correctness”…or, what rational people call “environmental stewardship.”

4 ) The Falmouth-based National Graduate School for Quality Management comes under fire for shady business practices and for handing out invalid degrees, including honorary doctorates. What? A school handed out invalid purely symbolic and inherently worthless fake degrees? The nerve!

3 ) Mashpee’s Superintendent of Schools Ann Bradshaw loses her new gig in Norton after contract negotiations fall apart. “I told her over and over, we don’t own the sun and the moon and the stars,” said the chairman of the Norton School Committee, “so we can’t give them to you.”

2 ) Lindsay Lohan continues to botch her comeback attempt by showing up late to film her cameo on “Glee.” Ironically, the set list for that episode included “Loser” and “The Bitch is Back.”

1 ) The Bruins lose a hockey game, fans mourn, then promptly forget they ever liked the team.

Two candidates for re-election have come under fire recently for alleged ethics violations. First we have Sheila R. Lyons, incumbent Barnstable County Commissioner, who was been accused by rival candidate Ronald R. Beaty Jr. of accepting campaign donations from individuals who she has interacted with in her official capacity as county commissioner.

First, Mr. Beaty cites on his blog the fact that Ms. Lyons received in December 2011 a $200 donation from Henri S. Rauschenbach, who the county commissioners appointed to co-chair the Special Commission on County Governance.

Important details number one through three: Mr. Rauschenbach was recommended for the special commission by the Cape Cod Business Roundtable, not the county commissioners, who only approved the selection; the donation was made eight months after that appointment; and Mr. Beaty has made his disdain for the special commission very well known and has made a number of efforts to undermine its work.

I’ll also point out that this is a complete 180 from December, when Mr. Beaty publicly showered praise on Ms. Lyons. In an e-mail sent out to Cape media outlets, he called Ms. Lyons a “shining star” and a “pragmatically insightful and pleasant woman who cares deeply about social justice, the welfare of individual Cape Cod residents as well as Barnstable County as a whole.”

Of course, he wasn’t running for Ms. Lyons’ job at the time.

Mr. Beaty further noted that Robert Ciolek, an independent consultant to the Cape Cod Water Protection Collaborative, also donated to Ms. Lyons in 2011 — several months after (I repeat: after) he was contracted by the commissioners to serve as the CCWP’s consultant.

Mr. Beaty claims these donations could constitute legal conflicts of interest, but there’s an important piece missing from this equation: did Ms. Lyons derive direct personal financial benefit? There’s nothing to suggest she did, so unless someone can prove otherwise, the claim here falls flat.

(Not that campaign donations for political favors aren’t a real problem, but it’s important to draw a clear distinction between politics as usual, which is unfortunate, and true graft and corruption, which is despicable.)

Ah, but what about the fact that Ms. Lyons last month received a $75,000 bank loan through the Cape Cod Five Cents Savings Bank, for which Dorothy A. Savarese serves as president — the same Ms. Savarese who sat on the aforementioned Special Commission on County Governance?

Well, unless Ms. Savarese personally signed or pushed through the loan application, the accusation of a conflict of interest is again hollow.

In the case of Mr. Beaty, he appears to be venting his ire at the special commission and its recommendations — specifically to reformat county government and to explore the creation of a regional wastewater management entity — at Ms. Lyons, perhaps in an attempt to undermine her re-election and prime his own campaign.

Problem is, if these charges cannot be proven and do not result in any sort of official sanction by the state ethics commission, Mr. Beaty’s tactic could backfire.

The same could be said for Brian R. Mannal, who is challenging State Representative Demetrius J. Atsalis (D – Barnstable) in the primary. Mr. Mannal last week filed a formal complaint against Rep. Atsalis with the state ethics commission over an e-mail sent by the incumbent.

That e-mail was sent from Rep. Atsalis’s State House e-mail address to Lee Fisher, former lieutenant governor of Ohio, asking if he remembered Mr. Mannal from his and then-Governor Ted Strickland’s 2006 campaign.

Apparently, Rep. Atsalis was trying to clarify Mr. Mannal’s party loyalties, noting that his opponent was involved in President George W. Bush’s campaign in 2000, later got a gig with the state of Ohio under a Republican administration, and remained a member of the GOP until 2004 (Mr. Mannal has openly admitted to jumping ship to the Democratic Party that year).

Rep. Atsalis acknowledged the e-mail, which he called “innocent,” and said he sent it through his State House e-mail account in error.

Here, an ethics violation might not apply because the e-mail did not have any sort of monetary value attached to it, but the Massachusetts Office of Campaign and Political Finance does prohibit the use of public resources such as state e-mail accounts for campaign purposes.

It should be noted that Rep. Atsalis already has one official strike from the OCPF. In June 2011 the OCPF fined Rep. Atsalis $3,125 for “numerous recordkeeping and reporting errors” on his campaign finance statements from 2007, which he failed to rectify by 2010. He was also required to practice strict “enhanced reporting requirements” through 2014 or face an additional $2,500 fine.

This brouhaha has a little more legitimacy to it than the Beaty/Lyons kerfuffle, but I think the voters might like to see a little more debate on the issues in the coming weeks rather than back-and-forth accusations of ethical lapses (especially if there is no merit to them).

***

This coming Tuesday marks the last day for candidates for county and district elected offices to file their nomination papers, and as things stand this week, we’re looking at a rather empty local ballot.

To date only three incumbents have declared opponents: Senate President Therese M. Murray (D – Plymouth), State Representative Randy Hunt (R – Sandwich), and Rep. Atsalis. That leaves State Senator Daniel A. Wolf (D – Harwich) and State Representatives Timothy R. Madden (D – Nantucket), Cleon H. Turner (D – Dennis), and David T. Vieira (R – Falmouth) running unopposed.

There’s also been no buzz for two county seats that are up for grabs this year: the Register of Deeds, a seat currently held by John F. (Jack) Meade, and the Clerk of Courts, now held by Scott W. Nickerson.

Political news and announcements may be e-mailed to Michael Bailey, senior political reporter, at bailey@capenews.net.

(Yes, the assembly. Stop laughing.)

That candidate is Andrew V. Putnam of Falmouth, who is planning to challenge veteran delegate Julia C. Taylor (that is, assuming she runs for re-election). He’s a member of Falmouth Town Meeting and the current chairman of the town’s Affirmative Action Committee.

Mr. Putnam said he wants to enhance the assembly’s visibility among voters, and in doing so increase transparency in county government.

Check out Mr. Putnam on-line at www.youtube.com/andrewvputnam, www.facebook.com/andrewvictorputnam, and www.twitter.com/andrewvputnam.

What, no Foursquare or Pinterest accounts? Slacker.

***

Some people run a campaign. So far it looks like C. Samuel Sutter is stumbing his campaign for US Representative of the Ninth Congressional District.

The Federal Election Commission recently posted online Mr. Sutter’s latest campaign finance report, which shows that as of March 31 the Bristol County D.A. has about $21,000 in campaign funds. Meanwhile, his primary opponent, incumbent William R. Keating (D) had close to $400,000 in his campaign war chest as of the end of March.

Add Mr. Sutter’s lackluster finances to his DA-related woes (accusations of professional misconduct) and you’ve got a campaign that’s one step away from needing a hougnan to bring it back to life (no offense to the voodoo priests out there).

***

Someone whose campaign apparently is apparently faring much better is that of Sandwich Republican Thomas F. Keyes, who is challenging Senate President Therese M. Murray (D – Plymouth).

Mr. Keyes has been assembling “leadership teams” throughout the district, people within each town to lead campaign efforts, and last week he named Ralph Crossen, Jr. and Bill LeBeau as his Sandwich town captains.

It looks like Mr. Keyes is forming a much more solid and coordinated organization than he had in 2010, so Sen. Murray could be in for a decent fight this year.

Now, that all said, I have to shake my head in disapproval over Mr. Keyes’ recent announcement that he has signed a “no new taxes” pledge with the Citizens for Limited Taxation.

All pledges of this nature are nothing more than quick and easy and ultimately meaningless campaign gimmicks. It is President George H.W. Bush’s famous “No new taxes!” slogan in written form — and Bush, as you might recall, abandoned that pledge when the cold hard practical reality of running a government reared its ugly head.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for cutting government waste and I’m not thrilled about having to pay taxes. I’m also not thrilled about understaffed police and fire departments, inadequate public schools, and roads that are impassible by anyone not driving a Panzer.

Political news and announcements may be e-mailed to Michael Bailey, senior political reporter, at bailey@capenews.net.

9 ) US Senator Scott Brown and Elizabeth Warren get into a war of words over releasing their respective tax returns. Who cares? All that will tell us is which one we should resent more for being that much wealthier than the rest of us.

8 ) Dick Clark dies of a heart attack at 82. Wait, he was only 82? He was barely out of puberty!

7 ) Authorities conduct a series of busts on businesses engaging in EBT card fraud. Now, instead of taxpayers footing the bill for food stamp cheats, we get to foot the bill for their imprisonment. We just can’t win sometimes, can we?

6 ) Rick Santorum declines to endorse Mitt Romney, stating he’d rather leave the decision in the hands of the voters. Yeah, that plan worked out great for you, didn’t it, Rick?

5 ) Hundreds of runners drop out of the Boston Marathon due to the hot weather. Looks like the Kenyans’ dastardly plan to increase global temperatures so they can dominate the sport of marathon running is working nicely.

4 ) Daniel Adams heads to jail for abusing the state’s film tax credit incentive. He should have gone to jail for the two crappy movies he made.

3 ) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announce they will at last get married. For wedding gifts, they’re buying one another new children from their favorite third-world nation.

2 ) Good Morning America breaks the Today show’s 16-year streak as the top-rated morning show. Don’t get too thrown, American viewers: CBS is still dead last. Consistency!

1 ) Oprah Winfrey fails to make Time Magazine’s “100 Most Influential People” list for the first time in nine years, getting bumped off for the likes of comedian Louis C.K. OUCH. Way to rub salt in the wound, Time Magazine.

Democrat James C. King, an attorney from Dover, recently announced that he was dropping out of the US Senate race and formally endorsing Elizabeth Warren. Yes, nothing influences voters more than an endorsement from a candidate they never heard of.

***

On the flip side, we have a new candidate jumping into the race for the Ninth Congressional District: attorney Daniel Botelho of Fall River is running as a non-party candidate. Learn more about him through his Facebook page or his WordPress blog.

Political news and announcements may be e-mailed to Michael Bailey, senior political reporter, at bailey@capenews.net.

9 ) Former state treasurer Tim Cahill is indicted amidst allegations he misused Lottery funds to bolster his flagging gubernatorial campaign. Another sad case of someone thinking the Lottery will solve all their problems.

8 ) Falmouth Town Meeting voters take contradictory votes on whether to keep the town-owned wind turbines spinning following two nights of debate. Well, glad we could solve that problem once and for all…

7 ) The Big Dig lives on as the state gets ready to undertake $54 million in light replacement surgery in the tunnels. Oh, just rebuild the entire damn thing already! It’ll be cheaper in the long run.

6 ) Sarah Palin swallows her disdain for the “lamestream” media to co-host the Today show. Lesson learned: pride takes second place to a paycheck and bolstering your ego.

5 ) County commissioner candidate Ron Beaty splits hairs over how the Special Commission on County Governance was created. With that kind of skill at creatively interpreting select and incomplete pieces of information, this guy should be running for a federal office.

4 ) James Cameron tweaks “Titanic” after Neil deGrasse Tyson points out inaccurate constellations in the night sky during the climactic sinking scene. Next, Neil plans to fix the first three chapters of the “Star Wars” saga by showing George Lucas all the errors in plotting, dialogue, and characterization (could take a while).

3 ) Keith Olbermann admits he “screwed up” and deserved getting fired from his Current TV gig. Let him tell you more about it in a long-winded, self-righteous monologue.

2 ) A Bellingham school powers to public pressure to restore the word “God” to the lyrics of “God Bless the USA.” It was inevitable, really “Elmo Bless the USA” just doesn’t have the same ring.

1 ) Jaleel “Urkel” White denies that he blew up at his “Dancing With the Stars” partner backstage. Wow, and I thought after starring in “Mega Shark vs. Crocasaurus” he couldn’t sink any lower.