9 ) The Boy Scouts of America drops its restriction on gay members, but not gay leadership. Still: they’re now officially more progressive than the Catholic Church.

8 ) Falmouth voters crush a ballot question asking for money to remove the town-owned turbines. Anyone expecting a two-to-one margin to send a clear message that Falmouth wants the turbines and it’s time to put the issue to bed is going to be as disappointed as question supporters are now.

7 ) Lt. Governor Tim Murray resigns to take a private-sector gig. You know, someplace less likely to send him to jail for his various shenanigans.

6 ) Gabriel Gomez calls his US Senate opponent “pond scum.” Stay classy, Gomez, stay classy. PS: Now tell the media they shouldn’t be paying attention to his idiotic remark and how the race should be about the issues. I love that one.

5 ) Ray Manzarek of The Doors breaks on through to the other side.

4 ) It’s Memorial Day Weekend, also known as “Guests in Our Own Backyard Weekend.”

3 ) Jon Bon Jovi trashes Justin Bieber for showing up late to concerts, calling the young singer disrespectful. If Justin really respected fans, he’d never show up at all.

2 ) The Fast & the Furious 6?! Really? And I thought Tyler Perry’s Medea movies were overkill.

1 ) Amanda Bynes is arrested for drug possession. Her transformation into Lindsay Lohan is almost complete.

9 ) Former Boston Celtic Jason Collins becomes the first active major league sports star to come out of the closet. His move emboldened more than a few homophobes to reveal themselves as well. Win-win.

8 ) Two guys we don’t care much about win a primary special election and launch right into the standard general election campaign white noise. Could we maybe just have these guys duke it out in the octagon?

7 ) A New Hampshire legislator claims that footage of a seriously injured man showing no signs of pain is proof that the Boston Marathon bombing was trumped up by the government. You know, isn’t it funny that this woman was NOWHERE NEAR the bombing at the time? Almost as if she were trying to put as much distance as possible between herself and the event? As if to cover her involvement? That’s right: State Representative Stella Tremblay (R – Auburn) is one of the masterminds behind the Marathon bombing! And since you just read it on the Internet, and she can’t prove she WASN’T involved, it must be true!

6 ) A Connecticut man is arrested after allegedly joking about having a bomb while boarding a Steamship Authority ferry. Hey, good one, doofus. We’ll be laughing all the way to the trial.

5 ) Miley Cyrus poses for a racy magazine photo shoot to prove what an adult she is. Because acting in a responsible and mature manner is SO last year.

4 ) Mike Tyson takes to the stage to tell his life story in a new one-man show. I’m all ears, Iron Mike. Uh, I mean…

3 ) A critically panned Spice Girls musical will close next month. The musical lasted almost as long as their careers.

2 ) A member of flash-in-the-pan rap duo Kriss Kross dies. It’s going to be hard to find a good funeral suit he can wear backwards.

1 ) A musical based on the film Rocky is in the works. People with clear diction and singing ability are ineligible for the title role.

9 ) The special primary election to fill John Kerry’s US Senate seat is Tuesday, and then it’s only another two months or so of caustic political ads. Oh, joy.

8 ) Fox News talking heads rationalize denying the Boston bomber suspect every possible right under the Constitution. I wonder how they would have reacted if he’d just shot up the Marathon?

7 ) The media demands the state release the bombing suspect’s state assistance records. I sense partisan agenda-driven pseudo-logical saber-rattling on the horizon!

6 ) Ratings and credibility continue to dwindle for American Idol. This is serious business, people. I think half of our economy is tied up in that show.

5 ) Swedish authorities find drugs on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. If I had to listen to that kid sing for a living, I’d want to be stoned out of my mind too.

4 ) Gwyneth Paltrow is named the most beautiful woman in the world by People magazine. Say, have you ever notice that People’s most beautiful women and sexiest men alive are always actors with a major movie coming out? Ah, I’m sure that’s just coincidence.

3 ) Comedy Central announces Futurama will end its second run this September. Great, another way Futurama will make me cry (the first being the “Jurassic Bark” episode).

2 ) A Buddhist monk takes five people to court for allegedly distributing a private sex tape. A Buddhist sex tape? I’ve heard Buddhists like to become one with things, but come on…

1 ) A North Dakota news anchor blows his big debut by dropping an F-bomb on his first day on the air. That’s the great thing about working in print media: we can swear all we want, repercussion-free.

9 ) North Carolina Republicans are pushing a measure to establish an official state religion, in defiance of the Constitution. Keep working on that big tent, guys, it’s still looking pretty lopsided.

8 ) Kim Jong Un moves his country’s missiles into position for a possible strike against US targets. The video footage has already earned Industrial Light and Magic an Emmy nomination.

7 ) Magic Johnson expresses “a million percent” support for his recently out-of-the-closet son. He’s making up for all the heartless jackass parents who don’t support their gay children.

6 ) Chris Brown assures fans he “absolutely” won’t ever physically abuse Rihanna again, failing to recognize that allowing any woman to date him is in and of itself abusive.

5 ) Catholics are irked after Google posts a doodle honoring Cesar Chavez instead of Easter. Look, Catholics, you already have a formal holiday with several lead-in days, I think you can be big about this and let Cesar have his one-shot portrait on a search engine’s home page.

4 ) Target catches flack for describing the color of a plus-size dress as “Manatee Gray.” Other controversial size-based descriptions include #2 Ticonderoga Yellow, Orange You A Tall One, and Peter Pinklage.

3 ) Arrested Development returns next month thanks to Netflix. Firefly fans’ misplaced optimism is rekindled.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan tweets a pregnancy announcement for April Fool’s Day. The only joke there would have been on her poor kid.

1 ) Glee‘s Cory Monteith checks into rehab after first saying no no no (if you don’t get it, ask a Gleek).

9 ) A man on the lam following a rape conviction 35 years ago is captured in Maine. All right media, time to start heaping sympathy on the guy for not having a stable home life for more than three decades.

8 ) People raise hell over the “secret” passage of the Monsanto Protection Act and blame the “distraction” of the same-sex marriage debate for letting it slip past everyone. Aha! The gay agenda revealed at last! Homosexuals are in cahoots with Big Genetically Altered Agriculture! It makes so much sense! Oh, wait…no it doesn’t.

7 ) The Pope inflames the ire of Catholic traditionalists for washing the feet of two girls. Look, I’m not Catholic, but it seems ridiculous that such a goofy-sounding ritual is going to be the thing that serves as the final straw for people who think the church is getting too progressive.

6 ) No snow this weekend! No snow this weekend!

5 ) Tom Menino announces he is not going to run for re-election. At least, that’s what the best translations indicate. Either he’s retiring or he was trying to order a pizza.

4 ) Actress Tilda Swinton sleeps in a glass case as part of a Museum of Modern Art display. That means more people will see her in one day than who saw Moonrise Kingdom during its entire theatrical run.

3 ) Harrison Ford plays coy about whether he’s on-board with the next Star Wars movie. Maybe he’s worried he’ll be forced to ride out a Death Star explosion hidden inside a refrigerator.

2 ) Kirsten Dunst admits to Us Magazine that kissing Brad Pitt in Interview With the Vampire was “disgusting.” Look on the bright side: if you’d kissed Tom Cruise he might have proposed to you.

1 ) Justin Bieber’s neighbor claimed the singer assaulted him. He plans to sue for damages and the mental suffering that comes from admitting in public Justin Bieber beat him up.

9 ) The Vatican installs a new Pope. Well, not new new, more like a refurbished old model.

8 ) County officials finally start some serious work restructuring county government through a charter review. Damn, I was really hoping for a Thunderdome-type deathmatch.

7 ) The Plymouth County sheriff catches hell for his politically tinged Obama assassination joke. Well, you know the old saying: comedy is easy; dealing with the fallout of a poorly chosen joke is hard.

6 ) Jimmy Fallon is chosen to replace Jay Leno on the Tonight Show after Leno’s contract ends in 2014…and then starts back up in 2018 after Leno’s next lame attempt at a new TV show falls flat.

5 ) Miley Cyrus tweets a video of herself dancing in a unicorn costume. This is one of those self-telling jokes, I don’t need to say anything else on this one.

4 ) Kate Upton becomes the latest celebrity to be asked out by a regular person via an Internet video. I should really finish up that video invitation to Jessica Alba.

3 ) Tiger Woods starts dating skier Lindsey Vonn…for starters.

2 ) Emma Watson refutes rumors she’s up for the lead role in 50 Shades of Grey, says she’d rather portray characters from good books.

1 ) Selena Gomez admits to David Lettermen she made her ex Justin Bieber cry. She must have screened Justin Bieber: Never Say Never for him.

5 ) North Korea announces plans to launch a nuclear strike against the U.S., severs ties with South Korea, declares the armistice ending the Korean War nullified, stomps its feet, waves its arms wildly, and screeches hysterically. This is what you get for putting a tantrum-prone kid in charge.

4 ) The Catholic conclave begins. The Boston media seems to think Cardinal Sean O’Malley is a top contender, but my money is on Reverend Jim from Taxi.

3 ) Don’t panic, but Douglas Adams would have been 61 this week.

2 ) E.L. James, author of Fifty Shades of Grey, announces plans to put out a how-to book for aspiring writers. It’s called How to Succeed in the Publishing Business Without Really Trying to Have Talent.

1 ) Justin Timberlake joins the “Five Timers Club” on Saturday Night Live, gets to ask former five-time hosts what the show was like when it was funny.

9 ) The Stock Market reacts to the sequestration cuts with…record highs? Where’s the panic? Where’s the rich man freakout? Oh, right, they don’t care what happens to poor people.

8 ) Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez dies. Sure, he was a dictator, but he still did more to help people in need in the U.S. than all the major oil companies.

7 ) Rand Paul delivers a 13-hour filibuster to block a vote on John Brennan as the new CIA director. If only he could put as much time and effort into actually solving problems.

6 ) Mitt Romney says it’s “killing him” not to be President. Better you than us, Mittens.

5 ) Jon Stewart announces he is taking a break from The Daily Show to direct his first feature film. Hooray! Death to Smoochie 2 at last!

4 ) Taylor Swift rebuts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s jibes from the Golden Globe Awards. Her rebuttal debuted at number five on the Billboard pop chart.

3 ) Former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman returns from a meeting with Kim Jong Un to gush over the dictator on the Sunday news shows. Is it really praise when it comes from Dennis Rodman?

2 ) A group of Australian miners are fired after taking video of themselves doing the “Harlem Shake” in the mine. Their termination was allegedly due to safety reasons, but I think bad judgment in jumping on-board the latest stupid Internet sensation should be in there too.

1 ) Justin Bieber is booed by London fans after he shows up to a concert two hours late. The fans weren’t mad he was late, they were upset that he showed up and would actually have to listen to his music.

9 ) Mississippi finally ratifies the 13th Amendment banning slavery, blames the delay on a clerical error. Congratulations, Mississippi, you have now officially joined the 19th Century.

8 ) Cardinal Sean O’Malley of the Boston Archdiocese emerges as a possible contender for Pope. Way to shake things up there, Vatican.

7 ) More snow hits Massachusetts. Can we go back to whining about how hot it is?

6 ) Fox News irks the pagan community with its shocking lack of knowledge of Wicca. Someone should tell the pagans to stop taking it personally; Fox News is ignorant of just about everything.

5 ) The Massachusetts Legislature contemplates a bill that would require all state documents to be written at a third-grade level. Oh, sorry: men and women in Boston want to make stupid writing okay.

4 ) Mindy McReady commits suicide on the same front porch her boyfriend killed himself. Too bad she’s dead. This would make a great country-western song.

3 ) The Oscars are Sunday. Not the “Academy Awards,” the “Oscars.” Yes, that’s sure to bring in the viewers.

2 ) Oprah Winfrey is recognized at the Essence Awards and remarks there’s nothing better than “being recognized by your own.” Which is why Oprah honors herself every month by slapping her face on the cover of her self-title magazine. And every day by turning on her eponymous TV network (hey, someone has to watch it).

1 ) Megan Fox is cast in Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, making this the first Bay movie with a completely artificial cast.

9 ) Pope Benedict announces his retirement in February. Great, another special election filled with attack ads.

8 ) Cape Cod finally gets its power back. You know, this wouldn’t be a problem if we all had wind turbines.

7 ) County commissioners and the Assembly of Delegates continue their back-and-forth over which of them needs to be reformed to improve county government. Girls, girls, stop fighting — you’re both pretty!

6 ) A crippled cruise ship makes it back to land, freeing its passengers from days at sea amidst dwindling food supplies and an increasingly overflowing septic system. (Mental note: make pitch to TruTV for new reality show. Working title: Ship Happens.)

5 ) The double amputee Olympian known as the Blade Runner is arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Dude, I know the handicapped can do anything the unimpaired can do, but come on…

4 ) Marco Rubio delivers a dry rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union speech.

3 ) Chris Brown refrains from joining a standing ovation at the Grammys for rival Frank Ocean. Chris was upset that he was beaten. He then promptly failed to grasp the irony.

2 ) A Montana TV station is hacked and broadcasts a zombie attack alert — also known as an ad for “Fox and Friends.”

1 ) Movie critics agree it is in fact NOT A Good Day to Die Hard, which at this point is referring more to the franchise than the John McClane character.