Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Subscribe  |  Share    |  Print

Follow me on Facebook

Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Thoughts For 2012

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

I know the tradition among media-types is to do a year-in-review kind of thing in which we revisit our favorite stories, make cutesy top 10 lists, et cetera, but I’m going to take a slightly different route and present to readers a list based on my experiences and thoughts inspired by 2011. I call it…

Stuff People Really Need To Keep In Mind In 2012

Neither the President nor any of his would-be GOP successors are evil people simply by virtue of the fact their ideologies are not your ideologies. Having a differing opinion or perspective does not provide just cause for hyperbolic, panic-stricken claims that so-and-so is trying to destroy America…and certainly not just cause for Hitler/Nazi comparisons.

The majority of reality TV shows are abominations. Shows like Jersey Shore, anything preceded by The Real Housewives of…, or with a Kardashian name attached to it are a pox on society. These shows pay ridiculous amounts of money to “real people” to behave in ways that would get a normal person arrested, or at the very least relentlessly mocked at social gatherings. They glamorize imbeciles, punks, and narcissists by packaging it as entertainment. We should not reward these people with fame and/or fortune. Stop paying attention to them.

Christianity, chill out. The “secular left” is not trying to destroy you or discriminate against you. What’s really happening here is, reasonable people are tired of being browbeaten by pious twits for daring to deviate from their standards — standards that, ironically, many self-described Christian politicians are very good at invoking, but very bad at following. When someone irks you, try the gentle answer or turning the other cheek approach rather than playing the victim or telling everyone what awful people they are.

On a related note: not everything that happens in the world happens for the express purpose of making you angry. Not everything is meant as an attack on all you hold dear. Stop looking for excuses to be pointlessly pissed off about trivial crap.

A note for Hollywood: 3-D is overdone and overrated. You know what would really get people into the theaters? Good movies. Stop raiding old TV shows and comic books for fodder, stop remaking great old movies that don’t need remaking. Try — and stay with me, because it’s a radical suggestion — original material. Because TV’s doing that and TV is kicking your hinders in terms of quality entertainment. TV. You know, that thing a lot of actors didn’t want to do instead of movies…that doesn’t cost $12 a pop for tickets and another $12 for a small soda and popcorn.

If 2011 taught us anything, it’s that focused protests can achieve a lot more than a bunch of people loitering for days and weeks on end in public parks. Thanks to people taking action in a focused and organized manner, Bank of America and Verizon abandoned plans for unnecessary fees, Netflix didn’t separate into two distinct entities, and — although this one still rankles me — Lowe’s dropped its advertising for “All-American Muslim.” And that last one only took a few hundred people expressing their religious intolerance in letter form!

Wind turbines do not necessarily cause negative health impacts because of their ultra-low-frequency sound emissions. That is a scientifically unproven point, despite what Dr. Nina Pierpont’s deeply flawed study suggests. Conversely, health effects caused by prolonged stress reactions are real and cannot be discounted because it’s inconvenient for the wind industry.

No one has 365 consecutive lousy days. You are not the exception to this rule. If your life really is kind of cruddy? Chances are, much of it is within your ability to change and you’re simply not exercising your authority over yourself, so stop wasting time blaming the world around you and make some changes.

Declaring that you are the first person to post in the comment section of a blog by posting, simply, “first” is obnoxious, pointless, and pathetic, so don’t do it (especially on this blog in response to this post in a sad attempt to be funny, because that only increases your lameness tenfold).

The Week In Politics For December 30, 2011

Friday, December 30th, 2011

As I mentioned last week, State Representative Randy Hunt (R – Sandwich) will be running for re-election in 2012, and he has his first official fundraiser coming up.

“LOL with Randy” featuring headliner Stephen Bjork is scheduled for 7 PM on January 27 — cannily placed between the NFL playoffs and the Super Bowl, Rep. Hunt noted in his announcement — and will be held in the Emerald Room of the Cape Codder Resort & Spa on Route 132 in Hyannis.

There’s no suggested donation amount, but if you chip in early you’ll get preferred seating. You can do that online at www.electrandyhunt.com/donate.html.

The Week in Politics returns to the print editions of the Enterprise starting next week, so if you’re a candidate for public office (or represent one), send your campaign announcements to me at bailey@capenews.net.

The Importometer Reading For December 30, 2011

Friday, December 30th, 2011

10 ) The countdown begins to the Mayan End of the World! I’m sure the Mayans will prove much more reliable than that Camping guy.

9 ) Cape Wind scores another court victory and declares that it will begin construction within a year…although, considering the project’s track record so far, maybe we should read that as a “dog year.”

8 ) Ron Paul , who heads into the Iowa Caucus leading the polls, takes heat from Personhood USA because his pro-life stance is not hardcore enough. He refused to use Monty Python’s “Every Sperm in Sacred” song as his official campaign theme song.

7 ) Newt Gingrich fails to get on the Virginia ballot. But Virginia could care less after it realized Newt was courting Iowa behind its back.

6 ) Boston is declared America’s Drunkest City. WOO-HOO! We’re number three! We’re number thr– no, wait, I mean…uh, two? No, one! We’re number one! Shoot. Officer, can I start again?

5 ) Foxborough selectmen reject a plan to bring a casino to town. Very considerate of them not to hog all the cash cows, don’t you think?

4 ) Barnstable County commissioners finally fill the long-vacant and important — kinda, sorta, not really, a little, but not THAT important — county clerk position. Seriously, people, it’s not a super-critical job.

3 ) An MBTA employee gets a light reprimand for hacking an electronic sign to flash a clip of the lyrics to “Deck the Halls.” His punishment for duping commuters into believing the MBTA is run by thinking, caring human beings will be much more severe.

2 ) A fake People magazine cover proclaiming that Taylor Lautner (of “Twilight” fame and not much else) is gay fools the Internet for a half-hour or so. Twihards, got news for you: gay or straight, you’re never going to hook up with Lautner. Ever. Deal with it.

1 ) Sinead O’Connor ends her 16-day marriage to her fourth husband, claiming he was letting him go so he wouldn’t lose his disapproving family. Pictures of the Pope, her own marriage — is there nothing sacred this woman won’t tear to pieces?

The Week In Politics – December 23, 2011

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

Last week I posed the question: who is Ron Beaty Jr., the West Barnstable man who has suddenly become extremely interested in Barnstable County government, and is entertaining a future run for the board of county commissioners?

Well, here are the answers from the man himself, courtesy of an e-mail Mr. Beaty sent me on Tuesday (because I never want it said that we here at Snark-Infested Waters are unwilling to allow a response to my smart-assery):

*Who is Ronald Beaty Jr. and why is he so interested in county government all of a sudden?
 
Ron Beaty is basically nobody of any real significance. In addition to what you already know, Ronald Beaty, Jr. is a married 50 year old native-born Cape Codder who holds a B.A. in American Studies from Boston College, as well as an M.Ed. in Educational Technology from Lesley University, along with an M.S. in Administrative Studies from Boston College. My interest in county government is not really all that sudden. I ran for the County Assembly of Delegates twice in the early 90′s (including once while still in federal prison). The most recent interest began two years ago while doing additional graduate work in Public Policy (concentrating in Environmental Policy) at UMass Dartmouth. I chose the Cape Cod Barnstable County Regional Government as the topic for a research project in my Public Management Class (taught by Ed Lambert, a former Mayor of Fall River). As part of the research, I interviewed Mark Zielinski, the Barnstable County Administrator who provided me with both an overview and detailed outline of the structure and functioning of the county government… More recently, my interest was piqued by the introduction of the Special Commission presently looking for ways to either improve or undermine the regional government as it now exists, I have not fully decided on which because so many radical proposals are being tossed around every few weeks…
 
*First of all, what’s up with all the unnecessary quotation marks?
 
I use quotation marks as part of a personal writing style when I wish to emphasize a particular word or phrase. Perhaps I could utilize it less often if it irritates you that much… hahaha!
 
*What has greater weight: the severity of his acts, or the life he has led since?
 
This question is not one that I am qualified to answer. It is up to each individual member of the community to decide in their own heart and mind. Furthermore, it is up to society to choose by reflection of its “prevailing culture” as told to me recently by an old acquaintance who is also a Jesuit Priest at Boston College. If the prevailing culture is one of forgiveness, then the question could be answered one way, and if not, then the conclusion will be otherwise…
 
*Is 20 years enough time to erase what is either a terrible lapse in judgment or a sign of an unstable and violence-prone personality?
 
The first half of this question I also do not have the answer to as well. It is up to our society, its respective institutions and culture to decide such things. The second half of the question I believe I can shed some light upon. Without trying to justify or diminish the serious nature of what transpired 20 years ago, I can say that it was mainly a terrible lapse in judgment. It occurred during the turmoil of a horrific divorce situation compounded by “falling off the wagon” into an alcohol-soaked drinking binge. The extreme poor personal judgment and the consequences resulting from this toxic combination are now obvious and self-evident…

And there you are.

***

I don’t know if you can call this a formal announcement, but State Representative Randy Hunt (R – Sandwich) remarked to me during a phone conversation (which also included some fun debate over the current slate of Republican presidential candidates) that he was looking forward to running for re-election next year and, specifically, getting to know the new voters in Mashpee, which was reunited under the Fifth Barnstable District as part of the recent redistricting.

The Importometer Reading For December 23, 2011

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

10 ) Korean dictator Kim Jong Il dies. Kim Jong Il? More like Kim Jong Dead! Hahahahahaha…ha ha…uh…what, too soon?

9 ) Protesters hit Lowe’s stores across the country to express their outrage at the company’s decision to pull advertising from All-American Muslim. Lowe’s announced that it would stick with its decision, insisting that it was a business decision and that the company does not bow to pressure from any outside organization. Well, you know, from now on.

8 ) The GOP Shuffle continues as Ron Paul — yes, RON PAUL — takes over the lead contender slot in a recent poll. The only guy who hasn’t been in the top spot now is Rick Santorum, and I bet he’s practically frothing at the mouth for his shot.*

7 ) Democrats and Republicans stalemate again over a crucial issue and blame each other for Washington gridlock. Looks like that “Not Me” ghost that used to hang around in Family Circus has a new gig.

6 ) The Massachusetts State Lottery will start accepting debit cards for lottery purchases beginning as early as next month. My sympathies go out to convenience store clerks everywhere. I used to be one of you, and I know how batcrap insane lottery players could get when they were pissing away the money they had on-hand.

5) The first trailer for “The Hobbit” drops. If this does not thrill you, you have no soul and I pity you. Check it!

4 ) Pat Robertson accuses Saturday Night Live of Christian bigotry for its “Jesus Meets Tim Tebow” sketch. Could someone please let Pat know that SNL has been neither relevant nor funny for at least 15 years?

3 ) The Saugus superintendent of schools cancels a traditional annual visit from Santa Claus and, after reversing his decision, starts getting death threats from irate parents. People, that’s not “naughty list” behavior, that’s “restraining order list” behavior. Chill out. Santa Claus is still comin’ to town.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan’s issue of Playboy breaks sales records. Finally, Lohan has found a way to make some money from sacrificing her dignity.

1 ) The box office experiences its worst weekend in 16 years. I find it hard to believe that Hollywood is doing as bad as December 1995, which saw such fine films as Dracula: Dead and Loving It, White Man’s Burden, Balto, Four Rooms, Cutthroat Island — uh…never mind.

* The management would like to remind readers that if you got the joke, it’s not my fault.

The Week In Politics – Dec. 16, 2012

Friday, December 16th, 2011

You heard it here first: Daniel A. Wolf (D – Harwich), state senator of the Cape & Islands district, will run for re-election in 2012.

Sen. Wolf made that official this week during a phone interview with the Enterprise (by which I mean me). He’s had a good first year in office, and if he can keep it up through 2012 he will be a tough man to beat.

***

Who is Ronald Beaty Jr. and why is he so interested in county government all of a sudden?

We might find out more as the local election cycle powers up, but for now Beaty is a good reason to scratch your head and say “Huh?”

The West Barnstable man has become a man of letters, so to speak, over the past month, speaking out about Barnstable County government issues. Earlier this month he wrote to the Enterprise exhorting a special commission charged with studying and, if appropriate, submitting recommendations for changes to the county governmental structure to leave things as they were.

Okay, so far, so benign. Then Beaty wrote a second letter berating the same county officials he had previously praised for failing to fill the very minor position of county clerk. The post has been vacant since Scott Nickerson, who is also the county clerk of courts, resigned to focus on his court duties (and, perhaps, in response to a noteworthy bungle in his office regarding five candidates for the Barnstable County Assembly of Delegates, whose nomination paperwork was not processed properly).

The county clerk has few responsibilities, but Beaty called the vacancy a “major problem” and the need to fill it an “urgent matter.” Okay, maybe overstating things here, but nothing controversial.

Then I got a copy of an e-mail that I present in its entirety:

It seems a bit “ironic” that County Commissioner Bill Doherty should advise and encourage a man with “my background” to run for election next year for one of the Barnstable County Commissioner seats.  After all, a little over 20 years ago (1991) I was arrested, convicted and sentenced by federal authorities for threatening various elected public officials, including the President of the United States. I will have to reflect long and hard about Bill Doherty’s proposal. I shall seek advice, feedback and counsel from family, friends, and the public at large before any firm decision can be made.  Perhaps after twenty years, it is also about time that I finally ask for formal “forgiveness” from the federal government as well. With that in mind, I will be seeking a Presidential pardon from President Barack Obama relative to the previously mentioned legal issues…

HubbaWHAH?!

First of all, what’s up with all the unnecessary quotation marks?

Second, here’s the deal: Beaty filed a letter of interest for a vacancy on the Barnstable County Human Rights Commission. Bill Doherty, sitting chairman of the county commissioners, saw it and (according to copies of e-mails Beaty received from Doherty and sent to me for some reason) remarked:

Now that I read your resume I must tell you that I have a greater reason to support the possibility of your candidacy for public office…The fact that you have a background in civil rights issues and want to continue that by joining the HRC says to me you already have two of the qualifications for public office (in my opinion) Intelligence and a good heart. The third is an ability to work hard. Think about it if not the county the town there is so much need for new and younger people at all levels.

There’s no indication that Doherty was aware of Beaty’s criminal background, which is this: according to several stories I found online (including two Beaty himself provided links to), in 1991 Beaty was convicted of sending threatening letters to President George H. W. Bush, Ted Kennedy, and then-State Senator Lois Pines (he also made threats against his then-wife, but he doesn’t mention those in his e-mail) and spent time in prison for it. As you can see, Beaty is not hiding this fact.

In Beaty we have, in a microcosm, a lot of the challenges that have become so commonplace in politics. Here is a man who was convicted of some pretty serious crimes, but did his time and has by all accounts stayed out of trouble for a considerable period of time. What has greater weight: the severity of his acts, or the life he has led since? Is 20 years enough time to erase what is either a terrible lapse in judgment or a sign of an unstable and violence-prone personality?

As is too often the case, partisan politics could play a role. To use the late Ted Kennedy as a somewhat ironic example, his foes never forgave him for Chappaquiddick, while his supporters were quick to dismiss that dark chapter in Kennedy’s life as ancient history. Right now, Newt Gingrich’s boosters are turning a blind eye to his infidelity, but a lot of those same people would wag a damning finger at Bill Clinton for his sexual shenanigans.

One thing’s for sure: if this guy runs, I’m going to have some interesting things to write about next year.

***

Tom Conroy, we hardly knew ye.

The Democratic candidate for US Senate has withdrawn from the race, citing (and boy, have we seen a lot of this lately) his inability to compete against front-runner and candidate apparent Elizabeth Warren, who has a ton of money and the party’s blessing.

Those same factors have previously shoved Setti Warren and Alan Khazei out of the race prematurely — by which I mean LONG before any of us pesky voters get our say on the matter.

***

Speaking of early dropouts, Thomas Hodgson, Bristol County sheriff, announced this week he is not going to run for Congress after all. Sheriff Hodgson had been toying with the idea of running in the Fourth or Ninth District, also known as, respectively, Barney Frank’s (D) soon-to-be-former district and William R. Keating’s (D) soon-to-be-new district, but decided to stay put.

The Imporometer Reading For December 16, 2011

Friday, December 16th, 2011

10 ) The War in Iraq officially ends. One down and…uh…how many other pointless wars are we involved in now?

9 ) Lowe’s pulls its ads from TLC’s “All-American Muslim” after an uptight Christian group complains, then generates an even larger backlash. Good luck rebuilding from that major error in judgment, Lowe’s.

8 ) The state’s unemployment rate hits a three-year low. Let’s see if we can mimic the state health care bill situation and pass this one along to the rest of the country.

7 ) Foxboro residents get fired up about the prospect of a casino in their town — which, if the plan goes through, will be renamed Kraftsville.

6 ) Mitt Romney takes heat for trying to goad Rick Perry into a $10,000 bet over Romney’s stance on health care. Yeah, like Perry’s campaign has that kind of money to throw around!

5 ) Donald Trump pulls out as moderator for a debate between Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich, stating he doesn’t want to affect his possible re-entry into the race as a candidate. Dude, nothing could ruin your candidacy more effectively than your own odious personality.

4 ) Marvin E. Quasniki joins the Republican campaign. Sort of. He’s a puppet. And he makes more sense that the flesh-and-blood candidates. Check him out:

3 ) Howard Stern draws the ire of (what else?) conservative religious groups after he’s named to the panel of judges for “America’s Got Talent.” Nice to know that after all these years, Howard can still rankle people by simply existing.

2 ) The box office experiences its worst weekend since the weekend following 9/11, proving even Twihards are getting sick of Bella and Edward.

1 ) Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy pics leak online before the magazine hits newsstands. Man, this girl can’t do ANYTHING right.

Capitalist Screed

Tuesday, December 6th, 2011

After I saw “The Muppets,” I wondered how long it would take for someone to claim the film was some sort of thinly veiled liberal brainwashing scheme.

After all, the story is based on that classic trope of the ruthless businessman plotting to swipe land out from under the protagonists’ feet so he can drill for oil — and in this case, the cartoonish villain (played by Chris Cooper) is named “Tex Richman.” Hey, the Muppets have never been about subtlety.

Eric Bolling, host of Fox Business’ “Follow the Money,” gladly took up the challenge and last week he and his guests blasted the movie for being, among other things, a flagrantly liberal attempt at indoctrinating children to the left’s anti-capitalist agenda.

This is just the latest accusation — mostly from the right — of people trying to trash capitalism, but, like the Muppets, the people spouting this “Oh please, won’t someone think of the oligarchs?” sentiment are eschewing nuance and painting the issue with a broad brush. What they’re failing to understand is that few people are railing against capitalism; they are fighting BAD capitalism.

For starters, let’s all remind ourselves exactly what the capitalist model is. In the most general sense, capitalism revolves around the concept of private ownership of a for-profit business enterprise in a competitive marketplace. The United States is technically a social market economy, wherein business operates mostly within the much-ballyhooed “free market economy” and experiences minimal government involvement; supply and demand, rather than the government, dictates price, but the government intervenes in matters pertaining to regulation, monopolization, taxpayer-funded security net programs such as unemployment, and labor rights.

In a capitalist model, there is a working class: a group of people who are paid by those who privately own a business to produce the goods or deliver the services. The working class is a necessary element; big businesses cannot operate without them, and — let’s all accept this as a hard truth — not everyone in the world has what it takes to become self-employed, or even the proprietor of a very small business, so their only chance to earn a living is by playing drone to someone else’s queen bee.

Those who truly despise capitalist economies will cry that those in power are simply exploiting the rank-and-file, as opposed to, say, a socialist model*, wherein the working class shares in the fruits of the labor, which they also share. But, as mentioned above, there are many people — average Americans, if you will — who lack the intellect, creativity, motivation, business savvy, and/or desire to be completely financially self-sufficient and (I make this argument assuming that a miraculous windfall such as winning the Lottery or inheriting a bundle from a long-lost uncle is not a probability) must earn their living through the sweat of their brow.

(* = Please note that I am talking about a REAL socialist economic model, not the disingenuous interpretation of socialism you hear about from arch-conservatives, wherein the government takes money from those who generate capital and gives it to those who contribute nothing back; I am talking about a true “all for one, one for all” model: everyone contributes, and everyone benefits proportionately to their individual effort.)

Generally speaking, this is a fine model, in part because it provides everyone with an opportunity to participate as something other than a worker bee — and many people take advantage of that opportunity, and successfully so. The US Small Business Administration found that of the approximately 27 million businesses operating in the U.S., 99.9 percent have fewer than 500 employees, 98 percent have fewer than 100 employees, 89 percent have fewer than 20, 78 percent have fewer than 10, and 61 percent have fewer than five — and, collectively, community-based small businesses have generated 64 percent of all new jobs created within the past 15 years.

That, people, is good capitalism. That is capitalism that works (pun intended). It creates jobs, puts money in people’s pockets that they can spend on the goods and services — necessary and discretionary — which in turn leads to more job creation. It’s a positive self-perpetuating cycle.

That is not the kind of capitalism that people hate.

No, hate-worthy capitalism is the kind that consolidates the capital generated by the for-profit enterprise in the hands of a precious few at the expenses of the workers they need to support the business, through their efforts or through their spending.

I’ll pick on Exxon-Mobil for my example. CEO Rex Tillerson earned in 2010 $29 million in total compensation: $2.2 million in straight salary, a $3.4 million bonus, and $15.5 million in stock awards. The company’s revenue for that year was $383 billion, $30.46 billion of which was straight profit.

Since 2007, the corporation has added 2,800 jobs — this following a decade of job cuts totaling 126,100 — but the company has declined to clarify to anyone how many of these jobs were created in the United States (and I am counting only direct, sustained employment, not any temporary construction jobs created by the company opening up new facilities).

According to SalaryList.com, Exxon-Mobil pays as little as $41,838 and as much as $270,000 for non-executives, with $96,900 the median annual salary. For fun, I figured out how many new jobs at the median salary could be created with the company’s profit margin for 2010: 314,344.

Obviously, a company in not going to invest ALL its profit on its human resources, but if Exxon-Mobil invested just 10 percent of its profit in U.S. job creation — they are supposed to be job creators, after all — that’s still 31,434 new jobs.

For the sake of debate, let’s leave the profit margin out of this for a second: even if the company dedicated only some of the money is spends on its CEO’s salary, say everything beyond his base pay, that’s 268 jobs created in one year.

I know, you might argue, “So what? Who cares about 268 new jobs when there are 13.3 million people out of work?” I say you have to start somewhere, and  — speaking, I admit, a bit idealistically — if all 2,700 companies employing more than 500 people created 268 jobs, that’s 723,600 people off the unemployment lines — people who will no longer be relying on taxpayer-supported government safety next programs, will pay taxes, and will spend money in the economy that will come back around to create more jobs and move even more people off the government dole and into the position of consumer and taxpayer.

But that is not the kind of capitalism we’re seeing from our so-called “job creators.” We’re not seeing major corporations, many of which benefit from very lucrative tax breaks while reaping record profits, create jobs. We’re seeing them pad top executives’ and investors’ personal bank accounts, as if making more millionaires will lead as directly and as efficiently to job creation as a straightforward investment in human capital would.

That is the kind of capitalism that people are hating on, the “trickle-down economy”-based capitalism that believes the way to bolster the economy is from the top down, not the bottom up, as if the poor and middle class were less important to the formula than those who are, so we’re told, going to shower their largesse upon the “99 percent” and save the nation’s foundering economy — as long as they keep getting tax breaks they, frankly, don’t need.

The rich do have the power to be job creators. All they have to do to release that awesome power is relinquish some of the money they now hoard to the working class — and by extension, the country — that needs it. Socialism? No; a smart investment in the future of the United States…perhaps the best investment they could ever make.

The Importometer Reading For December 2, 2011

Friday, December 2nd, 2011

10 ) Anti-big corporation sentiment takes a holiday on Black Friday as retailers see a spike in activity over 2010.

9 ) Despite his post-2010 election win promise to run again in 2012, Barney Frank this week announces he will retire from Congress at the end of his current term. He blames redistricting for making it harder for him to get re-elected. Personally, I blame his crappy demeanor and laziness when it comes to campaigning.

8 ) Herman Cain “reassesses” his campaign amidst allegations he was involved in a 13-year affair. Apparently the Cain Train has a lot of sleeper cars.

7 ) Andover High athletes get in big trouble for making a teammate eat a “bodily fluid”-covered cookie as part of a team initiation ritual. You people are damn lucky this is a family-friendly blog, because oh my GOD the filthy jokes I could be telling right now!

6 ) Fox News slams Obama for leaving out any mention of God in his YouTube Thanksgiving address. God issues a statement reading, “Guys, leave Me out of this, huh?”

5 ) Sam’s Club bans “The Brick Bible” — the Old Testament illustrated in Lego — after a customer complains about the vulgar and violent content…which was actually edited out of the version that appeared on Sam’s Club shelves to make it more family-friendly. As Superintendent Chalmers once said, God has no place in school just like facts have no place in organized religion.

4 ) Miley Cyrus raises a ruckus by tweeting during her 19th birthday party “You know you’re a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke way too much [expletive deleted] weed!” Then she took off her wig and revealed herself to be Lindsay Lohan in disguise.

3 ) Rumors fly that Demi Moore has already snagged herself a new young man to replace that old codger Ashton Kutcher. I’ve got even odds that it STILL won’t resuscitate her career, which is even saggier than she is (BOOM! Cougar Slam!).

2 ) A copy of Action Comics #1, which featured the debut of Superman, sells for $2.16 million…also known as “more than Siegel and Shuster ever made for their creation in their lifetimes.”

1 ) “Breaking Dawn: Part One” beats out “The Muppets” at the box office. Yeah, well, Kermit the Frog can still emote better than Kristen Stewart.

The Importometer Reading For November 25, 2011

Friday, November 25th, 2011

10 ) The Congressional “super committee” proves not so super, and dissolves without ever ironing out a deficit reduction deal. But hey, they’ve given the Big Two Parties plenty of finger-pointing material. That’s worth something, right?

9 ) Deval Patrick signs casino bill into law, and less than six hours later a casino developer files a lawsuit claiming the law unlawfully favors the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribe. Vegas is giving five-to-three odds that the lawsuit fails at the state supreme court level.

8 ) “The Muppets” opens to universal praise from critics, scoring a rare 100 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Screw you, CGI! Felt puppets RULE!

7 ) The Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound crows about an increase in fundraising in 2010, which was on-par with its second-worst year of fundraising ever, and that’s still not enough to dig the wind farm opposition group out of a $1.34 million deficit. What, have they been taking economics lessons from the feds?

6 ) Newt Gingrich expresses a soft stance on illegal immigrants at this week’s GOP presidential debate. Well, hope you enjoyed being first in the polls, Newt. I think it’s Rick Santorum’s turn now (heeheehee…”Santorum”).

5 ) The Nickelodeon is sold and the new owners plan to turn the venerable theater into office space. A moment of silence, if you please, for the last of Falmouth’s classic cinemas.

4 ) A new study shows that Fox News viewers possess less information about the issues of the day than people who watch no TV news at all. Fox News immediately dismisses the study as a socialist liberal plot

3 ) Thanksgiving rolls around once again, to the usual chorus of inherited generational guilt from folks who can’t separate remembering the past from acting like total buzzkills.

2 ) A Maryland company launches “Chick Beer,” a beer marketed exclusively to women, complete with pink packaging. No! Women can’t like beer! Just like they can’t enjoy sports, action movies, or video games! Dammit, women, why must you like guy stuff?! Now get in the kitchen and make me a sammich!

1 ) Even though Justin Bieber’s accuser has been outed as a fraud, Bieber apparently decides to really put the screws to her and submit to a DNA test to prove once and for all he did not father her kid. Damn, who knew babyface Bieber had a vindictive streak?

Other blogs

Follow us on Facebook

Advertisement