Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

Snark-Infested Waters by Mike Bailey

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Suggested Rules of Online Etiquette for Responding to the Boston Marathon Bombing

April 16th, 2013 by Mike Bailey

As a public service to Internet users everywhere, Snark-Infested Waters would like to offer these handy tips for how to behave online in the coming days and weeks when discussing what happened yesterday at the Boston Marathon.

1 ) Don’t joke about it. Period.

Yes, it IS too soon. It will be too soon for a long time. Humor is a coping mechanism, a stress reliever, a way to deal with unfathomable circumstances, and sure, one day we will be able to crack wise about this terrible event, but today is not that day.

2 ) Don’t politicize it.

People will inevitably try to lay some degree of blame for this on social condition X or political issue Y or government leader Z. Don’t be one of those people (known colloquially as “callous opportunistic jackasses”). The blame belongs one place only, and that is on the person or persons who did this. Using this as an opportunity to advance a selfish agenda is a slap in the face to everyone directly and indirectly involved in this tragedy.

Addendum the first: sarcastic remarks like “I can’t wait until so-and-so tries to blame this on such-and-such” is passively aggressively politicizing it. This is also obnoxious, perhaps more so. Don’t do it.

Addendum the second: using this situation as a springboard to go completely off-topic (“You know what’s worse than bombs? Wind turbines!”) is the height of self-centered arrogance. Knock it off.

3 ) Don’t compare tragedies.

Boston is now, and for lots of people it has very personal meaning. Don’t diminish or disrespect those feelings by sniffing that Boston isn’t as tragic as 9/11, Columbine, Newtown, et cetera. This isn’t a contest. All tragedies are valid, and claiming that this somehow does not measure up to (insert other tragic event here) is cold and soulless.

4 ) Exercise restraint in re-posting news stories.

This will be the focus of the local and national news for the week, and we will be inundated by information. There’s little need to constantly re-post every single news story. People who want information have plenty of places to get it, and they don’t need help from amateur news aggregators.

Also, if you must re-post things, fact-check anything that isn’t from a reputable news source first. Repeating wrong information helps no one.

5 ) People process things differently.

Let them, and don’t give them a hard time because they seem to be, from your perspective, over- or under-reacting. The degree to which one reacts, or doesn’t, is not necessarily indicative of an abundance or a lack of emotion on the matter. Dealing with tragedy is a very personal and subjective thing, and it’s not really your place to judge someone for not responding how you think he or she should.

6 ) Save your advice for how this could have been avoided/can be avoided in the future.

Telling people how you’d do things differently is not helpful. It really isn’t. It’s not going to change the past and, unless you are actually a public safety official, sharing your sage knowledge born of hindsight isn’t going to do a damned thing to prevent something like this from reoccurring.

7 ) Don’t mistake re-posting uplifting images for a real contribution.

Yes, sharing positive images with your Facebook friends might raise morale, for yourself and others, but there are real people in Boston hospitals who need blood much more than a feel-good meme. There will be people who will need money to offset medical costs or, unfortunately, funeral arrangements. Make a real donation to those who truly need it if you want to do some measurable good.

8 ) Avoid comments sections.

Seriously, stay away. They’re going to be filled with, as best, benign sentiments aimed at the victims of the bombings and, at worst, people the above-listed rules. Getting into debates with them are not productive and will only enhance any existing feelings of anger and frustration. When you reach the bottom of the page, stop reading before the comments section begins and move on.

The Importometer Reading For April 12, 2013

April 12th, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) North Korea continues to shake its fist at the US…and even that, not too convincingly.

9 ) The Brad Paisley/LL Cool J mash-up Accidental Racist stirs controversy by forcing people to think about their attitudes towards other races. The monsters!

8 ) Margaret Thatcher and Annette Funicello die within hours of each other. Hm. Come to think of it, I never did see them both in the same room together…

7 ) Falmouth passes a new turbine bylaw and shoots down a proposal to fund the town-owner turbines’ removal. “Bill Carson” will be complaining about this in three…two…

6 ) Boston Marathon Monday is upon us. My prediction: A Kenyan will win. I know, it sounds crazy!

5 ) A Point Break remake?! Why? In the name of all that is good in life, WHY??!?!!?!?!

4 ) A 42-year-old actress loses a lawsuit against the Internet Movie Database, which she said cost her roles because the website revealed her age. I’m betting her loss of good roles has more to do with the fact her talent level relegates her to gems like Gingerbread Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver.

3 ) Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr is allegedly fired for diva-like behavior. Hey, the woman gads about in underwear for a living. Let her think it’s something special.

2 ) Former Teen Mom star is criticized for exploiting herself in a porn video. Sure, because that’s worse than appearing on an MTV reality show.

1 ) David Letterman grills Lindsay Lohan on her new career as a waste of space. If only the courts had been as tough on her as David…

The Importometer Reading For April 5, 2013

April 5th, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) Connecticut Governor Dannel P. Malloy takes everyone’s guns! By which I mean, enacts common-sense gun control legislation.

9 ) North Carolina Republicans are pushing a measure to establish an official state religion, in defiance of the Constitution. Keep working on that big tent, guys, it’s still looking pretty lopsided.

8 ) Kim Jong Un moves his country’s missiles into position for a possible strike against US targets. The video footage has already earned Industrial Light and Magic an Emmy nomination.

7 ) Magic Johnson expresses “a million percent” support for his recently out-of-the-closet son. He’s making up for all the heartless jackass parents who don’t support their gay children.

6 ) Chris Brown assures fans he “absolutely” won’t ever physically abuse Rihanna again, failing to recognize that allowing any woman to date him is in and of itself abusive.

5 ) Catholics are irked after Google posts a doodle honoring Cesar Chavez instead of Easter. Look, Catholics, you already have a formal holiday with several lead-in days, I think you can be big about this and let Cesar have his one-shot portrait on a search engine’s home page.

4 ) Target catches flack for describing the color of a plus-size dress as “Manatee Gray.” Other controversial size-based descriptions include #2 Ticonderoga Yellow, Orange You A Tall One, and Peter Pinklage.

3 ) Arrested Development returns next month thanks to Netflix. Firefly fans’ misplaced optimism is rekindled.

2 ) Lindsay Lohan tweets a pregnancy announcement for April Fool’s Day. The only joke there would have been on her poor kid.

1 ) Glee‘s Cory Monteith checks into rehab after first saying no no no (if you don’t get it, ask a Gleek).

The Importometer Reading For March 29, 2013

March 30th, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) The US Supreme Court hears arguments on same-sex marriage, expects to deliver decisions in June. Just in time for wedding season! I think that bodes well.

9 ) A man on the lam following a rape conviction 35 years ago is captured in Maine. All right media, time to start heaping sympathy on the guy for not having a stable home life for more than three decades.

8 ) People raise hell over the “secret” passage of the Monsanto Protection Act and blame the “distraction” of the same-sex marriage debate for letting it slip past everyone. Aha! The gay agenda revealed at last! Homosexuals are in cahoots with Big Genetically Altered Agriculture! It makes so much sense! Oh, wait…no it doesn’t.

7 ) The Pope inflames the ire of Catholic traditionalists for washing the feet of two girls. Look, I’m not Catholic, but it seems ridiculous that such a goofy-sounding ritual is going to be the thing that serves as the final straw for people who think the church is getting too progressive.

6 ) No snow this weekend! No snow this weekend!

5 ) Tom Menino announces he is not going to run for re-election. At least, that’s what the best translations indicate. Either he’s retiring or he was trying to order a pizza.

4 ) Actress Tilda Swinton sleeps in a glass case as part of a Museum of Modern Art display. That means more people will see her in one day than who saw Moonrise Kingdom during its entire theatrical run.

3 ) Harrison Ford plays coy about whether he’s on-board with the next Star Wars movie. Maybe he’s worried he’ll be forced to ride out a Death Star explosion hidden inside a refrigerator.

2 ) Kirsten Dunst admits to Us Magazine that kissing Brad Pitt in Interview With the Vampire was “disgusting.” Look on the bright side: if you’d kissed Tom Cruise he might have proposed to you.

1 ) Justin Bieber’s neighbor claimed the singer assaulted him. He plans to sue for damages and the mental suffering that comes from admitting in public Justin Bieber beat him up.

The Importometer Reading For March 22, 2013

March 22nd, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) The media catches flack for its coverage of the Stubenville rape case because of its sympathetic portrayal of the convicted rapists. Let ‘em have it, I say. Not like they’re going to be getting any once they get to prison.

9 ) The Vatican installs a new Pope. Well, not new new, more like a refurbished old model.

8 ) County officials finally start some serious work restructuring county government through a charter review. Damn, I was really hoping for a Thunderdome-type deathmatch.

7 ) The Plymouth County sheriff catches hell for his politically tinged Obama assassination joke. Well, you know the old saying: comedy is easy; dealing with the fallout of a poorly chosen joke is hard.

6 ) Jimmy Fallon is chosen to replace Jay Leno on the Tonight Show after Leno’s contract ends in 2014…and then starts back up in 2018 after Leno’s next lame attempt at a new TV show falls flat.

5 ) Miley Cyrus tweets a video of herself dancing in a unicorn costume. This is one of those self-telling jokes, I don’t need to say anything else on this one.

4 ) Kate Upton becomes the latest celebrity to be asked out by a regular person via an Internet video. I should really finish up that video invitation to Jessica Alba.

3 ) Tiger Woods starts dating skier Lindsey Vonn…for starters.

2 ) Emma Watson refutes rumors she’s up for the lead role in 50 Shades of Grey, says she’d rather portray characters from good books.

1 ) Selena Gomez admits to David Lettermen she made her ex Justin Bieber cry. She must have screened Justin Bieber: Never Say Never for him.

The Importometer For March 15, 2013

March 15th, 2013 by Mike Bailey

Abbreviated edition, because I’m down in Virginia for my sister-in-law’s wedding.

5 ) North Korea announces plans to launch a nuclear strike against the U.S., severs ties with South Korea, declares the armistice ending the Korean War nullified, stomps its feet, waves its arms wildly, and screeches hysterically. This is what you get for putting a tantrum-prone kid in charge.

4 ) The Catholic conclave begins. The Boston media seems to think Cardinal Sean O’Malley is a top contender, but my money is on Reverend Jim from Taxi.

3 ) Don’t panic, but Douglas Adams would have been 61 this week.

2 ) E.L. James, author of Fifty Shades of Grey, announces plans to put out a how-to book for aspiring writers. It’s called How to Succeed in the Publishing Business Without Really Trying to Have Talent.

1 ) Justin Timberlake joins the “Five Timers Club” on Saturday Night Live, gets to ask former five-time hosts what the show was like when it was funny.

The Importometer Reading For March 8, 2013

March 8th, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) An HIV-positive infant is apparently cured following an experimental drug regimen. Point, science. Over to you, religious nutjobs who maintain AIDS is a curse from God on homosexuals.

9 ) The Stock Market reacts to the sequestration cuts with…record highs? Where’s the panic? Where’s the rich man freakout? Oh, right, they don’t care what happens to poor people.

8 ) Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez dies. Sure, he was a dictator, but he still did more to help people in need in the U.S. than all the major oil companies.

7 ) Rand Paul delivers a 13-hour filibuster to block a vote on John Brennan as the new CIA director. If only he could put as much time and effort into actually solving problems.

6 ) Mitt Romney says it’s “killing him” not to be President. Better you than us, Mittens.

5 ) Jon Stewart announces he is taking a break from The Daily Show to direct his first feature film. Hooray! Death to Smoochie 2 at last!

4 ) Taylor Swift rebuts Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s jibes from the Golden Globe Awards. Her rebuttal debuted at number five on the Billboard pop chart.

3 ) Former Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman returns from a meeting with Kim Jong Un to gush over the dictator on the Sunday news shows. Is it really praise when it comes from Dennis Rodman?

2 ) A group of Australian miners are fired after taking video of themselves doing the “Harlem Shake” in the mine. Their termination was allegedly due to safety reasons, but I think bad judgment in jumping on-board the latest stupid Internet sensation should be in there too.

1 ) Justin Bieber is booed by London fans after he shows up to a concert two hours late. The fans weren’t mad he was late, they were upset that he showed up and would actually have to listen to his music.

The Importometer Reading For March 1, 2013

March 1st, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) Sequestration! The word nobody knows the meaning of, yet we’re all freaking out over it!

9 ) Pope Benedict has left the building…and gone to another building nearby, which, oddly, is also a church.

8 ) Law & Order: SVU ends a story inspired by Rihanna and Chris Brown’s reunion with the Rihanna proxy killing the Chris Brown proxy. Too bad art doesn’t always imitate life.

7 ) Seth MacFarlane gets mixed reviews for his occasionally ribald Oscar hosting stint, declares he won’t host again. Dude, that decision was made long before you made it.

6 ) The Barnstable County Commissioners and the Assembly of Delegates get into another pissing contest, this time over the lack of a PowerPoint budget presentation to accompany the phone book-sized budget document. Sorry, I didn’t realize that the Assembly couldn’t read something unless it had pictures.

5 ) Ben Affleck’s Argo wins Best Picture, ensuring that no late-night talk show host will ever tell another Gigli joke again.

4 ) Scott Weiland is booted from Stone Temple Pilots again. Fans react: “STP was back together again?”

3 ) The Onion catches hell for a vulgar tweet about nine-year-old actress Quvenzhane Wallis. Congratulations, Onion: people have whined about a joke you told. You are now officially mainstream.

2 ) Critics call nine-year-old rapper Lil Poopy’s saucy videos inappropriate for his age. Yes, because objectifying women is only appropriate for adult men.

1 ) Budweiser is accused of watering down its beer. Like anyone can tell.

The Importometer Reading For February 22, 2013

February 22nd, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) Arkansas stands poised to pass the most restrictive anti-abortion bill in the land, one that bans abortion after only 12 weeks of pregnancy, half the standard defined in Row V. Wade. Yes, because what the world needs are more Arkansans.

9 ) Mississippi finally ratifies the 13th Amendment banning slavery, blames the delay on a clerical error. Congratulations, Mississippi, you have now officially joined the 19th Century.

8 ) Cardinal Sean O’Malley of the Boston Archdiocese emerges as a possible contender for Pope. Way to shake things up there, Vatican.

7 ) More snow hits Massachusetts. Can we go back to whining about how hot it is?

6 ) Fox News irks the pagan community with its shocking lack of knowledge of Wicca. Someone should tell the pagans to stop taking it personally; Fox News is ignorant of just about everything.

5 ) The Massachusetts Legislature contemplates a bill that would require all state documents to be written at a third-grade level. Oh, sorry: men and women in Boston want to make stupid writing okay.

4 ) Mindy McReady commits suicide on the same front porch her boyfriend killed himself. Too bad she’s dead. This would make a great country-western song.

3 ) The Oscars are Sunday. Not the “Academy Awards,” the “Oscars.” Yes, that’s sure to bring in the viewers.

2 ) Oprah Winfrey is recognized at the Essence Awards and remarks there’s nothing better than “being recognized by your own.” Which is why Oprah honors herself every month by slapping her face on the cover of her self-title magazine. And every day by turning on her eponymous TV network (hey, someone has to watch it).

1 ) Megan Fox is cast in Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, making this the first Bay movie with a completely artificial cast.

The Importometer Reading For February 15, 2013

February 15th, 2013 by Mike Bailey

10 ) The region continues to recover from the Blizzard of 2013, a.k.a. Winter Storm Nemo. The Weather Channel continues to fail to realize the irony of its name choice. (Read a book, people.)

9 ) Pope Benedict announces his retirement in February. Great, another special election filled with attack ads.

8 ) Cape Cod finally gets its power back. You know, this wouldn’t be a problem if we all had wind turbines.

7 ) County commissioners and the Assembly of Delegates continue their back-and-forth over which of them needs to be reformed to improve county government. Girls, girls, stop fighting — you’re both pretty!

6 ) A crippled cruise ship makes it back to land, freeing its passengers from days at sea amidst dwindling food supplies and an increasingly overflowing septic system. (Mental note: make pitch to TruTV for new reality show. Working title: Ship Happens.)

5 ) The double amputee Olympian known as the Blade Runner is arrested for murdering his girlfriend. Dude, I know the handicapped can do anything the unimpaired can do, but come on…

4 ) Marco Rubio delivers a dry rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union speech.

3 ) Chris Brown refrains from joining a standing ovation at the Grammys for rival Frank Ocean. Chris was upset that he was beaten. He then promptly failed to grasp the irony.

2 ) A Montana TV station is hacked and broadcasts a zombie attack alert — also known as an ad for “Fox and Friends.”

1 ) Movie critics agree it is in fact NOT A Good Day to Die Hard, which at this point is referring more to the franchise than the John McClane character.

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