Fall River is even less a part of Cape Cod than Wareham.

When the Boston Herald first reported about wedding photographer (and, it seems, professional attention-seeking liar) Phillip Brunelle’s double Lottery windfall, they ran this headline:

Cape photographer scratches for $1G — then for $1M!

And then, in his opening sentence, the reporter called Brunelle “a sleepy Fall River man.”

Good god. Bad enough Wareham is trying to horn in on the good Cape Cod name, but now Fall River? Cripes, Cape Cod would let Wareham into the club a thousand times before it’d even let Fall River reach the locked wrought-iron gate the Cape erected long ago to keep out such riff-raff.

I mean, yeah, Wareham still gets its drinking water out of wells (not from a pristine groundwater source piped directly into homes via solid gold pipes, like Cape Codders do), but at least each resident has their own bucket. And they’re nice buckets too — solid oak jobs, and I hear a few of Wareham’s most well-to-do citizens actually have metal buckets (it’s a status thing).

Fall River? Every resident has to SHARE the same bucket to get water from the community well…and it’s a cheap pine bucket someone picked up at a Christmas Tree Shop. Pine! How gauche can you get? Really.